ok i am at my wits end, i need help. could someone give me advice on how to get my children to listen to me?

Question

i have gotten out of a bad relationship with their father. he didn't want anything to do with the kids so i have them. i can't get them to listen to me. please help!!!!!

their father taught them that they didn't have to listen to me. but now i am on my own to raise them.

they are 5 and 6 years old

my kids are 5 and 6 years old both boys. i was never easy on them. i was not allowed to punish them in any way. that is part of the reason i divorced him. he would not let me have a say so in anything. he was also abusive to us.

Answer 1

Sounds like you did the right thing ending the relationship with Dad. But now have the task of starting at square one with the boys.
Have a family conference. Discuss the rules in your home and the consequences of breaking them. Give them "brownie points" or some other type of reward for listening, helping, and minding! When they get out of hand, get down to their eye level and tell them that their behaviour is unapropriate and sit them in a time out spot [previously set aside at family council] 1 minute per year generaly works best! After sitting quietly for that time - don't start the clock till their quiet and get a timer or clock they can watch - Then back down to eye level and get the appology for their behaviour.
It may take a few days for them to get the gist of it, but it works! Oh yes and you need to chose together what the Brownie point reward should be. After - say 10 points is acquired. Maybe Ice cream cones or something! Good luck mom! hang in there!

Answer 2

You don't say how old your children are, but here are some general rules:
1) They need to know what is expected of them - So set clear, unambiguous rules. If their bed time is 8 o' clock, then every single solitary night that's when they should be in bed.
2) Think about what you're telling/asking them to do: Your goal is to raise your children to be caring, responsible adults - able to make their own decisions. If there is something that isn't a great idea, give them advice and let them make their own mistakes (for instance, if they want to wear shorts in the winter, explain the down side and then let them do it - it won't kill them and they'll learn to make better decisions.
3) Don't lose your cool - when you do, they know they have you.
4) when it's time to punish, give out punishments you can keep to (your curfew is 9 p.m., if you're not back by that time you will be grounded for 2 weeks) and then keep to the punishment - don't be weak, or they will walk all over you.
5) Explain that they will always have your love, but that they have to earn your respect - if they screw up, sometimes punishment isn't necessary - you can tell them how disappointed you are.

Answer 3

First of all, they are missing their father and are therefore testing limits. This decision wasn’t theirs and they are trying to find ways to feel powerful. I suggest you empathize with them as much as possible. Say things like “I can tell you really miss your dad. You are very (angry, upset, mad, hurt, disappointed).” This will help them to better express their feelings and release some anger.

Try and use logical consequences whenever possible. Taking away a toy or privilege when your sons misbehave is not a logical consequence. Taking away a toy if they throw it or are destructive with it is logical. These are some other examples of logical consequences. If they make a mess, they clean it. If they break a toy, it goes in the trash. If they damage something in the home, money comes out of their piggy bank or they earn money doing things around the house to pay for the damages. Let the discipline fit the crime.

Another technique you can try when they are misbehaving is this. As soon as they misbehave, get down to their level and say "I don't like when you (explain what and why)." Take them gently by the hand and put them in a spot in your home (bedroom, the couch.) Say "When you're ready to (listen, stop, behave) then you can come back with me." This is not a time out because you are not giving a time limit (you controlling them). They return when they're ready to control themselves. You may have to take them back to the spot a few times before they get the message. Thank them when they behave. Keep it up!

Notice them when they are not misbehaving. Say things like "You worked on that for a long time! Look how high you can climb! You used so many colors on that picture!" These are intrinsic motivators rather than extrinsic rewards ("Good job," stickers, candy). These phrases are great confidence builders and will help them to feel powerful.

Set limits, follow through, and offer choices, not chances. You can say “Do you want to do that by yourself or do you want some help?” "No" should mean "No" the first time you say it. Say "Yes" as much as possible. Be patient and consistent. Good luck!

Answer 4

try to not yell at them,never hit them. Taking away privileges works and talking to them calmly can work well. They are old enough to talk about how they feel and have some input on appropriate discipline.Write down the house rules, make them simple. Review the rules every morning, remind the kids once when they break them , and then time out or remove privileges if they break the rule again. Remind them several times every day how much you love them and try to spend time doing things with them, even if it is only drawing pictures after supper or turning on the radio before bed and dancing for half an hour. It will take time for them to feel secure and to learn to respect you. you can't force someone to give you respect, you have to earn it. The kids are very lucky that you had the courage to get out of a bad relationship and I'm sure that with time everything will turn out well.

Answer 5

It's hard to give advise because I do not know their ages, however. During your "relationship" it would appear that he was maybe stricker. The kids may feel that since you were easier on them prior to the split that they can take advantage of you now. You must set the rules and not back down from punishment, whether you spank or give those time-outs or take their toys away, NEVER give the toy back or shorten the time out or and most imortantly let your emotions take over one spank on the rear with sturn and controlling vocallization should suffice, never BEAT your kids. If you feel you are loosing control you need to get yourself together in mind and body then come back and set them straight. I know this may seem a bit harsh but YOU are the parent and if they don't respect you as such you need to put them in their place, NOW. Good luck

Answer 6

Wow you got a lot of responses...I wanted to add that it's going to take time and consistency before you see results. Pick a few things that are most bothering you and work on them first. Set up the ground rules so they know what you expect and what will happen if they don't comply. Then be firm and follow through every single time. It may get worse before it gets better but eventually they will understand that mom means what she says and they have to listen. You can't be a lazy parent if you want results so every time they don't listen, you have to physically go to them, state your expectations, and follow through with praise or a consequence (even when it would be easier to let it slide! Don't do it! LOL!). Once they believe you are firmly in control and they can count on you to be consistent, you will see an improvement in attitude and it will be easier to correct other behaviors.

Answer 7

they are active boys and they need to be occupied at all times. Make sure you giving them plenty of oppurtunity to be active and creative. Keep them busy and they will have less time to find trouble. Also because of the recent separation there may be tension in the home and there may be alot of feelings that they are having that are to confused or embarressed to talk about...be sensitive to that. Tyr not to yell to much because children who get yelled at often learn how to tune it out! Dont resort to hitting that only reinforces the negativity that they may be feeling. And you may want to design a reward system and maybe give them some small household responsibilities and if they earn enough points you do something special that they have been asking for.

Answer 8

Lordy, honey! Sounds like the kids have been brainwashed by Daddy. You said that they're 8 and 5, right? So, I'm gonna tell you straight up what you need to do. You need to set boundaries and those kids need discipline. Encourage good behavior(give them chores to do and make them earn stuff..that works with my kids!), but if they get out of line, you have to put your foot down. Say what you mean and mean what you say(in other words, if you ground them, stick to it!). If Mommy respects herself, then the kids will respect Mommy(which is you, sweetie.) Sometimes you'll have to take them back to the old school if they really get outrageous(it's called Tear-That-***-Up!). Those boys need love and structure. Also, surround them with positive male influences(try your local Big Brothers/Big Sisters program or the Boys & Girls Club). Good luck, darling!

Answer 9

You have to punish them. I do not mean punishing them physically. If they are bad, deprive them something that they like. Moybe no ice cream or some of their favorite. You will meet with a lot protest in the begining. You must be firm. No two way. After a while, hopefully they will learn that it does not pay to be naughty.

Answer 10

purely you are able to come to a determination what to do for the extra effectual and he will by no ability exchange and if i exchange into you i could pass lower back with your mum and go away his older daughter with him and notice how he copes, he will then comprehend how plenty he desires you yet asserting that as quickly as you have been at residing house, the raising his baby and your new infant and housekeeping and faculty journeys etc is often the mums interest yet he ought to help you in the residing house on the weekends - yet going out with the lads or going to raves etc is an entire no-no, he had married you and has a relatives that can assist you you improve, perchance i'm being advise with the aid of asserting he shouldn't bypass out with out you and there'll be a great variety of fellows who will inform you that yet i'm from the older age team and whilst i exchange into youthful you spent time with your spouse/husband and not going to a rave, sturdy success