In 2006 my wife is 28 (I'm 33).We been togethr 3yrs,problem Attention seeking self centrd mother in law (MIL)?

Question

My MIL's 76 and involved herself in decisions the Mrs + I should make.Our home. Some furnishings. Our holidays. We've let her have her way WITHIN reason out of respect and consideration of her age.
My wife was born to a 1st time mom age 47 in 1978.Not many fond memories of childhood + school etc..in the 80's she suffered bullying due to the age diff. MIL was to other moms. She grew up boarding schools + never bonded with MIL. My wife feels guilty for feeling embarrased of her older mom back then also things said as an angry+confused teenager.
I'm sure MIL's aware + milks it. Poor old lonely me etc..says if we have kids she will barely get to know them..etc There's nothing wrong with MIL..bless - but she's just crafty + has made dodgy + selfish decisions which've became apparent when she grew old - I hate to say.
Problem is we can't wait to start a family , but are ransomed by exceptional emotional skills of MIL
Something's got to give ,its tearing us apart. Can offer any advice

Answer 1

dude....just wait a little longer....time will save you.

Answer 2

Seems like the MIL is unable to let go of her daughter and trying to make up for the inattention she gave in the early days. The thing about attention deficit disorder is that the attention seeker wants any kind of attention - good or bad and will do anything to get such attention. You will not be able to stop her attention seeking but what you can do is control it and take back your life. Therefore involve her in decisions that you are comfortable with and tell her about other decisions you have made. You will need to stick to your guns as a team and until eventually the MIL will understand the boundaries. If you continue the way you are then best you start making separation plans now.

Answer 3

Hi, if you and your are wanting to start a family, go ahead and do it!!!

You are right she is milking it , if she is that old, you would think she would be pushing you both to have kids just so she COULD spend some time with her grandkids!!!

She is just wanting you both to herself, at the moment you dont have anyone else distracting you or to pay attention to. Once you have a child she knows that you both will not be bending over backwards for her.

Your wife should not feel guilty for how she felt while she was growing up, how many of us really weren't ever embarrassed by our parents as we were growing up!!!!
This your life and if you don't want her butting her nose you need to tell her - she may go into a strop for a bit but then again she is wanting both your attention she will soon sort her act out.

P.S. just remind your wife how she felt as she was growing, does she really want to leave it too long before having kids.

Good luck and dont let the MIL ruin what you have!!!!

Answer 4

MIL can be a problem - Your wife needs to set boundaries for her mother and follow through on them. You did not say if she lives with you or alone. If she lives with you then maybe its time to have her move. If she does not live with you then it will be much easier to set the boundaries - you do not have to answer the phone if it is not convenient etc. Your wife is the one that really needs to explain to her mother that this is her life and not her mothers. Maybe get MIL involved in senior groups where she will meet other people her age and have things to do. Also the this is hard but don't ask for advice from her if your not willing to accept the answer.

Answer 5

Your wife has to tell her mom.......that she is an adult and that she is going to make the decisions for herself. As long as you keep "letting her get her way" nothing is going to work out. If the MIL getting in your life bothers you so much now...then you are right to wait to have a family...because...after she becomes the grandmother......controlling will start.
You just have to let the wife do all the talking.......if you are the one that does it she is going to think it is all you.

Here is my next thought? Is moving away an option? But some distance between the family and her......extreme thing to do..but could it going to save your marriage?

Answer 6

first of all u can let the mil say whatever she wants n then do what u 2 want.just because u love someone does not mean u have 2 listen 2 all there ****.just let the old bat go on n live ur lives.whatever u do do not n I repeat do not let her move in ur marriage will be over trust me.let her guilt trip u all n know that that is what it is she is just giving u a guilt trip u have 2 take like a grain of salt n not let it fester inside ur relationship.good luck

Answer 7

Unfortunately, this occurs a lot, and in my opinion the best and wisest thing to do is get your partner to talk to her mum about it, im sure your partner has noticed this too and she should talk through problems because this would be the best way to deal with them instead of running away...your MIL needs to realise that there is never a third person in a relationship :)

dont talk to your MIL yourself because this would create enmity, get your partner to talk to her because she has the mother daughter relationship that reinforces her arguments

it is your job as the husband to support your wife, help her do this and let her understand that it would cause friction if you do it yourself

good luck

Answer 8

Put her in a nice home and visit her once a week. You ad your wife should make decisions, it's your family. your MIL must be lucky she had a child, but that doesnt mean she can maipulate the situation for her to be the victim. You and your wife should sit down and have a talk and explain to her that ya'll aprreciate her input and such, but that you two need your space to make your own decisions.

Answer 9

You need to distance yourself from the monster in law. It is neither your fault nor your wife's fault that she ended up lonely - she chose to have your daughter late and she has to take the rough with the smooth.

If you dont have children when you want them, you're going to end up like her, regretting every moment that you spent childless.

Loving someone and liking them are very different. If you want to save your sanity I suggest you spend less time with her and will your wife to do the same.

So long as you dont give up on the woman and only tell her things that she needs to know, you wont be doing it out of spite.

cruel to be kind.

Answer 10

I am an only child and i have an extremely controlling mother. I was married and my mother caused havoc - the difference is i beganto see my mother for what she really was and the damage she had caused me. I realized her behaviour was all about control andputting me down was one of them. Nothing was ever good enough either, My ex husband and i talked about it but it was a long time before i began to stand up to my mother very slowly and say NO. When i did this she began to hate my ex husband with a passion but i said No BCS i realized that she was damaging ME. First is for your wife to acknowledge then to learn to say NO or just IGNORE her comments and thoughts and do it anyway with no explaination, Then not too allow the comments to go through her soul as much
It takes time but my mother has lived her life and i realized that she is very miserable and bitter and if i didnt wake up i would infact end up like her
Although i am not with my husband anymore we are good friends and through our marriage i began to recognize that although my mother loved me their was a side to her that was NOT NICE and that MOTHERS NO MATTER how much they have SUFFERED to bring you up cannot control your life forever
You cannot please them forever they must accept your life if they want to be involved in it. My mother was afraid of loosing control and maybe loosing me. She didnt loose me but i dont share too much information with her and therefoe my life is a lot better
I made it her choice indirectly by my actions either you stay involved in my deciscion making process MY DECISION MAKING or you get cut out of the process
Its your wifes call to take some action
If you have children her mother thinks she will be left out instead of thinking it will bond all of you As selfish as my mother could be sometimes and trust me mothers know what they are doing.
Ask your wife if the heavens will fall or wwthree will break out when she gets pregnant> What is the worst that will happen ?
Its not like the mother is going to disown her - she will sulk bcs she wasnt listened t o =only that
Your wife isnt a child anymore and make her read this

Answer 11

Why don't you move to a different state and get a new job? Sounds like you need to get away somehow. Do it as soon as you can, or just stop answering the phone when she calls. Don't let her make decisions for you because of her age, tell, her that she needs to back off and if she doesn't and is unhappy, that is ok. It is ok for her to throw a temper tantrum. I have a controlling mother, and you just have to learn to say no, let them throw a fit, and later, they get over it. It is upsetting to me at first that she would throw fits when she doesn't get her way, but soon afterward, it is all over and dear old mom is back to her same old happy self. You just have to learn to say no.