Its my brothers fault that i lost my dad and my little brother....?

Question

My mom says that I'm going to have to forgive him someday. But how does SHE stay so calm after losing her baby boy and here husband? Im just always angry at my brother for what he did because he wasnt keeping his eyes on the road. the only way he survived was because he was on the drivers side and the car hit the passengers. How can I forgive him for what he did?

Answer 1

Jessica you and your family are going through one of the most tragic and painful events ANYONE can go through. This may sound strange, but your reaction is not all that unusual.

You understandably have a lot of pain, sadness and anger at losing the ones you love; someone/s who you shared your life with on a daily basis.

It's normal to go through all sorts of feelings when having to go through this. The thing to realize is that everyone handles death differently. For example, it's coming out mostly as anger for you right now. For your mom, it sounds like she is in shock and unable to feel much because it's still so overwhelming for her. So she seems uncaring or unconcerned, but she does feel loss and is just going through it in her own way.

I totally understand you being angry at your brother. If he was being an irresponsible driver, it's natural for you to be furious for a time. And at the same time I think you already know deep down, that your brother is not a villian. And some part of you knows too that he is feeling incredible guilt and pain; must be. In fact, his guilt is a lifelong mental jail sentence that you and your mom don't have. Allow yourself to feel angry, but also allow yourself to feel regret for him, not just your dad.

Your dad wouldn't want you lashing out at your brother. Also think of that when you feel like putting out anger toward him.

Another fact to help you: You and I and everyone makes mistakes each day that could land us and others in the grave. When you get furious about your brother's mistake, think of your own mistakes. The only difference is that, apparantly it was your father's time to go (and your baby brother). And for all you know, their lives might have been taken even if your brother hadn't been careless. It could have just been their time to leave the planet.

You will not always feel this way. You and your mom and brother will go through many different emotions over time. You will all have your own way of mourning. Be patient with each other. The pain will ease with time too.

The direct answer to your question is this: YES, you can forgive him for what he did. Give yourself time and you'll be less and less angry about it all. If you didn't love him and if there was no hope of having a good relationship with him, you wouldn't have cared enough to ask the question.

Finally, I recommend you guys go into family counseling. I really really really really think you all could benefit hugely from it. It could offer some ways to deal with this situation better and offer some emotional relief. I wish you all the very best.

Answer 2

First i am really sorry for you loss, but your mom is right you have to forgive him as hard as it may be he didn't intentionally kill anyone. I am sure if you ask him he would say he wishes he would have died instead or with them. He didn't really do anything accidents happen all the time what if your dad had been driving would you feel the same/ You need to really examine the situatuion and be thankful you have a brother that is still alive and allow your self to grieve properly for you losses.
please don't live the rest of your life angry you will miss out on a lot and i am sure your brother feels in some way like he wishes he were dead to. He is still your brother and when it comes down to it family is who will always be there for you.

Answer 3

I'm so sorry for your lose. Yours is a very difficult situation. I'm sure your brother has beat himself up enough for the both of you. He is what is left of your family and your Mom. You should try very hard to forgive him, that is the reason that we need to concentrate on driving when you are in a car. Being the way you are, is not making you feel any better. Good luck.

Answer 4

Hi. My name is Rose. I was wondering how do u see it being your brothers fault? Alot of ppl can get blind while driving or lose control of the wheel. When i was 16 i lost a good friend names josh he was hit by a semi truck and the trucker was drinking, For the longest time i felt like it was my fault cuz i told him to come over and be at my house at a certian time for his suprise party. He never made it. you never know what happens to people while they are driving. Maybe it wasnt ur brothers fault maybe the person in the other car lost controll to. There are lost of ways. im sorry to hear about ur dad and ur brother. Im sure God is taking good care of them and god bless u honey.

Answer 5

I'm so very, very sorry to hear about your loss. How terribly hard this must be for you. Did you know that the human brain is not fully developed until the age of 23? Undeveloped cognitive skills in boys poses a problem in their ability to judge speed and distance. And, unfortunately, automobile accidents happen every single day - even to experienced drivers. Still, none of these facts will make your pain go away. But maybe it will help you in continuing to have a relationship with your brother. I'd image he must be even more devastated - filled with overwhelming guilt. But we're not discussing him. We're discussing you. Again, I'm so very sorry. I can't even begin to imagine the pain you are going through. Please hang in there, and take good care.

Answer 6

You need to go for grief counseling with your brother. They will get you to confront him angry or not and he will hear how you feel. Then you too will have to hear how he feels, how he is living with guilt everyday of his life. I lost my 3 best friends in a car accident. The one driving was to blame so i had no one left to feel angry towards. I know this is a lot different than loosing a family member, but it still took me a long time to stop looking for answers to why. I hope you and your brother can work this out for both your sakes and your mom's.

Answer 7

First let me say i am so sorry for your lose. I know your brother didn't mean to do it. Once again i am sorry you lose your brother and father. I'm going to be honest with you. I had to see my dad in so much pain. My dad lost his mom(my grandmother) when i was 2.(13 years ago). My dad lost his brother when i was 5(10 years ago).However my dad lost his father(my grandfather) in 2002. a year later My dad sister pasted away and his niece.My dad been throw so much stuff.And i lost wonderful people in my LIFE too. I LOVE THEM AND I MISS THEM. But I would want them to past away and go to a better place then see them in pain at the doctor.Taking pills.But it dint work.Tell you this that happen with my dad..Which is the truth.Be happy you have another Brother.Be happy you have your mom.Because my dad only has me.my mom.my brother.his niece.uncles.aunts.and cousin.But he lost his mother and father and brother.Be happy you have something then nothing. Be happy that you know there in a better place. He happy that it wasn't you in the car. I was upset because before my grandfather pasted away he promised me he was going to be okay.but 3 days later he pasted i was mad. i was heka mad. But i cant be selfish.I had to think about all the pain he was in. and how hes in a better place. I dad acts like hes okay.But he would rather see someone he love in pain past then still in pain.but no one will never forget someone they love..!

Answer 8

I can only imagine the pain you're going through and the feelings you must be juggling. Nothing anyone can say will ease the pain; I do know that with time (and the waiting sucks) the loss eases so it's not so raw. I've also had time to learn that nothing happens by accident or for no reason. Meaning your brother who was driving was merely part of the bigger picture; the loss of your dad and brother was a majorly hurtful timing. I know it's easy to blame your brother; maybe he wasn't concentrating or driving as he should have, but I've come to see that in life, things that are supposed to happen, happen. In other words, even if your brother was driving totally perfect, the other driver could have screwed up and the wreck still would have happened and your loved ones would still be gone. I can't tell you why things happen, I just know that they do and there's always a reason somewhere. Like maybe the quick death would have prevented your dad from a painful, lingering cancer or kept your little brother from a worse death or a painful life. When it's our time, it's our time. Also, I'm pretty sure that your surviving brother hurts as badly as you do - probably worse - even if he doesn't show it. Keep in mind that your brother would never in his wildest imagination wish to kill his own family members or hurt you or your mom in the way he has. Forgiveness isn't easy but it's necessary. It helps heal you (the forgiver) to heal. Hating does nothing but hurt you and add more pain to your already broken heart. Even though I don't know you or your family, just hearing your hurt and hearing your acknowledgement for forgiving lets me know that you and your family had a lot of love and proper upbringing. I somehow believe that if your dad and brother could come back, they would tell you to forgive and not hate or resent your other brother. Love is stronger than hate - depend on it, use it. And then too, honestly, if you read what the Bible says about heaven, even with loving you as much as they did, your loved ones are happy where they are. They really are happy now (even though you're not) and they are better off where they are. They're not hurting, they're not upset, they've got the perfect life and will forever have the perfect life. It's you, your mom, and your brother that are left here to hurt and try to carry on without the other two. It's not easy but you can do it. What helped me get over my parents' deaths was remembering how my folks wanted me to be happy and how they taught me to always love. My mom used to tell me, "Remember that my time is up when God says it is and it's not our place to question it. Don't be sad for what could or should have been but be thankful for the time we had. After all, not everyone gets the chance to know real love." She used to tell me that it's alright to cry and be sad when someone died (more so her) but that in the long run she wanted me to remember and honor her not by being all bummed out, but by living and carrying on with life and the lessons she taught me. But girl, I'm telling you, it's impossible to go forward and to live life like I bet your dad would want you to if you hold hatred in your heart. It won't come out overnight but God will remove it if you ask Him to. And when He does, YOU will feel lighter, you will heal faster, and I swear to you (I know from experience) that life will get sweet again. No, not like it was before because you'll always remember and miss your dad and little brother, but it won't be so painful and you'll be able to remember them and smile and you'll laugh again without feeling anger or pain. I swear to you. Give yourself time and know your brother loves you. Know that your dad and little brother would want you to forgive and know too that all things happen for a reason that we do discover with time. I promise you.

Answer 9

Damn! Sorry for your loss sweetie. Just tell him your sorry for what happened. Don't say you forgive him, that's just blaming him for what happened. Sh*t!!! Think about what he's going through! He might be planning his own death right about now! Give the boy a hug, hold him tight, and tell him you love him and your sorry. That's it. Life is too damn short to play the blame game, you know this. Just know that your father and little bro are in a much better place now. They would want you to be there for your brother.

Answer 10

Accidents happen. Your dad was also responsible since he was in the car at the time. You have to take care of the people left behind and cannot make him suffer more by not forgiving him. Take care of the future. He will be there for you since he is alive. Yourself can make mistakes as well and you have to understand other people's mistakes.