My boyfriend is German and 'funny' about certain things.... especially about telling people that I have kids from a previous relationship... my girls are 8 and 10 years old... they are very sweet, and often wonder why they can't go with me and him places... I know he is afraid to tell his parents that he is serious with a girl who has kids, is divorced, etc... now he has ME scared to tell them too.... (just met them last night, and they are VERY friendly... !!) But I know German's are more uptight then Americans, esp about the 'proper' or 'right' way to do things.... so I am just wondering... obviously at some point the truth must be told... that I am divorced, with kids, etc.... I do want to be married (to him!) and have more children.... he is 34, and I am also.... we have been together over a year now... so my question is, is it NORMAL to not tell the parents that the person has kids? And at what point DO you tell... and isn't it more uncomfortable to 'come clean' later?
2006-07-26 07:36:55 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous in Pregnancy & Parenting ➔ Parenting
Keep in mind that it may just be the fact that I have been married before (this is a man who has never even lived with a girl, and who takes committment seriously- ) it may be that the fact that I have been married before is scary to mention to his parents who have been married for years.... maybe he thinks they will be disappointed or concerned that he is with a woman who is divorced and who might (in their minds) potentially divorce HIM... maybe that is the concern... to tell the truth, I suppose I have thought the same thing... the questions 'why did you get divorced?' where is the father, etc etc.. I'm not anxious to be asked those questions, when what I really want is for them to adore me!! Still, they only come here from Germany once a year (their english is good)... they seem like very sweet, normal, old-fashioned people... I can't blame him for not wanting to bring it up.... can you? SOME families, esp American, maybe it would be no big deal...
2006-07-26 11:43:08 · update #1
Keep in mind that it may just be the fact that I have been married before (this is a man who has never even lived with a girl, and who takes committment seriously- ) it may be that the fact that I have been married before is scary to mention to his parents who have been married for years.... maybe he thinks they will be disappointed or concerned that he is with a woman who is divorced and who might (in their minds) potentially divorce HIM... maybe that is the concern... to tell the truth, I suppose I have thought the same thing... the questions 'why did you get divorced?' where is the father, etc etc.. I'm not anxious to be asked those questions, when what I really want is for them to adore me!! Still, they only come here from Germany once a year (their english is good)... they seem like very sweet, normal, old-fashioned people... I can't blame him for not wanting to bring it up.... can you? SOME families, esp American, maybe it would be no big deal...
2006-07-26 11:43:48 · update #2
Run away. Your kids come first and if he has a problem telling his parents, he probably has a problem with the whole concept of you having children period. How long can you hid your kids? And how fair is that to them? Think of your kids.
2006-07-26 07:39:40 · answer #1 · answered by Pinolera 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I can understand you being scared to tell them. But seriously. They are your kids. I am sure you are proud of them just as I am proud of my son and want to show him off and talk about him all the time! It's not fair to them or to you to hide them and you won't be able to hide them forever. So, once they find out, they will probably think you are weird if you wait a long time to tell them.
Who do you value more? Him or your kids? For me, kids always come first. No offense, but he needs to grow some ba!!s and tell his parents. I want to meet a man that loves my son like his own, especially if we are going to get married and have more. I mean, how old is this guy where he is scared what people think?
If you are thinking in the long run, honesty is the best policy.
2006-07-26 07:40:54 · answer #2 · answered by Kitty 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If you have been hiding your daughters and not taking them places because of a guy, that is wrong. Are you sure you want to marry a guy that obviously hasn't became close or accepted your precious children. At 8 and 10, I'm sure they kinda know what is up, how heartbreaking. If you want to pursue this relationship, can you give your ex husband your kids? They certainly don't deserve this kind of treatment. Your children should come first, ALWAYS! I've heard of cases like this where the mother end up killing her kids to be with the guy. DUMP him and find someone who will love and accept your girls. Aren't they worth it?
2006-07-26 11:25:53 · answer #3 · answered by shakes 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You owe your children more respect than to hide them. And this man owes you more respect than to expect you to hide your kids. He's a grown man and if he can't be mature enough to stand up to mommy and daddy and run his own life his way, than hunny, you don't want him! Besides, don't you value honesty in a partner? If he's willing to lie to his parents about you, what will he try and hide from you? Or what is he hiding now even? I'm not saying leave him, you honestly care about him alot, but you need to sit him down and tell him that while you care about him greatly, you don't think it says much about how he cares for you or about his character in general that he can't step up and tell the truth and that it hurts you that he has to act ashamed of your having children. You need to tell him that he needs to decide what is more important: being with you or pleasing mom and dad? After all, to accept you is to accept your kids.
after reading your update- why are you making excuses for his behavior? Or for your own for that matter?! If you ask me, i think that you know what the answer is to this question already and that your looking for someone to validate the behavior you and your boyfriend have been engaging in because you feel guilty. Not gonna happen. You know it's wrong and you know what you need to do, so stop making excuses and start putting your children first like they deserve to be!!!!!
2006-07-26 07:46:05 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Come clean right away! What example are you setting for your kids? Are you teaching them that relationships should be hidden from family? Do you want them to hide their relationships from you when they become teenagers, just to let you walk along mislead? No you don't.
If this guy doesn't honor his parents by telling them who you really are, and what is the most significant priority in your life, then you have to wonder what he's hiding from you...
2006-07-26 07:40:53 · answer #5 · answered by Sharon P 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think whoever tells them is the one they are going to get mad at (if they get do get mad, I mean you said they were very friendly so they might not be upset about it). Maybe you should tell them together. I really don't think they'll be mad at the fact that you have kids, I think they'll be a little mad that you've been dating a year and haven't told them. Also, I don't think they'll hate the fact that you've been divorced and have kids but I do think (as all people probably would be) they're going to be curious so be ready to explain and discuss it all to them.
2006-07-26 07:40:06 · answer #6 · answered by BeeFree 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Maybe you shouldn't be with a guy that is ashamed of your children. Your children should be put first. How will you ever have a long lasting relationship with him if he won't tell his parents about your kids? Will y'all hide them forever? I wouldn't. You should tell them now in order to see their reaction so that you can judge properly whether or not this relationship will last.
2006-07-26 08:42:26 · answer #7 · answered by guineasomelove 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
What is wrong with you?? No, it is NOT normal not to tell them. Why are you embarrassed by the fact that you have kids?? Your children should always come first, no matter what! And the fact that he is 34 and afraid to tell his parents this???? Think hard about whether he is the one for your children. They must come first.
2006-07-26 07:48:13 · answer #8 · answered by blondie7795 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Um, I think it has less to do with the fact that he's German. Germans are generally less up tight than Americans, from my experience. No, it's not normal.
You need to be honest, and find out why he's so ashamed of your children.
2006-07-26 08:01:05 · answer #9 · answered by sovereign_carrie 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I don't think It's fair for your children to have to suffer just b/c you and your b/f don't want to tell them. Your children come first and If you and your b/f really care about each other then you need to tell them. How would you like It If your daughter's denied you to there friends, you would be hurt, this Is probably how your daughter's feel. I hope my answer was able to help you and your b/f out. GoD bLeSs!!! =^..^=
2006-07-26 08:03:55 · answer #10 · answered by twofroggiesand1princess 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋