How do I politely suggest to a parent they have their child evaluated?

Question

I have an in-home daycare and one of the kids (almost 3 yo) is VERY behind socially and developmentally. He can't do things that many 1 year olds can and cannot talk except a couple single words. I have only had him in my daycare for about 2 months and have a good rapport with his mom (she also has an older child in my daycare that is a little behind but not as severely). How can I suggest that she have her child evaluated without hurting her feelings? I think it would be beneficial for him to have assistance early on instead of waiting until he is in school and possibly too far behind to function in a normal classroom. I have worked in special education classrooms for a few years and know how important it is to treat them early. I just really don't want to hurt her feelings but I don't think she sees that there is a problem. Please help!

To answer some of you who seem to think that I am cold hearted and just want to point out the child's flaws FYI I am in the childcare business because I CARE about the kids! If I didn't care I wouldn't give it a second thought, HOWEVER, I would actually like to help make a difference in his life by hopefully getting the professional help he clearly needs. His mother doesn't see it, I talk to her everyday and it is obvious from the way she talks that she does not realize that he is slow...this could be because she hasn't really seen him around other kids his age. So please stop acting like I am out to get her, I like her and the child is a very sweet boy, I simply would like to see him be successful.

Answer 1

This is always a difficult situation. You sound like a caring and concerned person; which is definitely just the type of person who is needed to take care of our children. I have found myself in a similar situation when I was working in a preschool, and noticed one boy having some communication problems that I did not believe that the parents were aware of. I do hold degrees in Psychology and Special Needs and am currently completing my Masters Degree with a concentration in Speech and Hearing Therapy, so most of the time I would just be able to approach the families in question in a very straightforward manner and they would be willing to have a discussion with me; as they would be aware of my educational background. You may want to talk to some specialists in your area who deal with children with the same types of difficulties; they may even be willing to set up a time with you to come to the daycare and just observe, in general to watch the interactions of this child that you are concerned about. When I was teaching in the preschool situation, and had a student that was exhibiting behavior that was vastly "different" from the other children, we would sometimes set up a test situation that all of the children would participate in and this would really show the differences and you would have some evidence on paper to start a conversation with the parents with. Of course you know that, ultimately; you are helping the child which is the first priority above all else. If you already have a good relationship with the mother, it should not be too difficult to strike up a conversation with her over the "test" and bring up your concerns. Keep it simple, don't dump too much on her at once, make sure that you speak to her privately so that she will not feel intimidated. You may want to have a list of a few local organizations and/or therapists who could work with her son to pinpoint the problem areas and work with him to help him socialize better and learn so that he will not be quite so far behind. I have worked with families who knew there has been problems with one of their children's ability to learn; and they are just in a state of denial, because they are scared that people will look down on them, or think that they are "bad parents," because their child doesn't learn the same way everyone else's' child seems to. Even if his Mom is resistant, at first, she will eventually realize that you have spoken up in order to help her child. I have met some of the children I worked with over 20 years ago, just out living their lives and they have come over to me and thanked me for helping them all those years ago or thanked me for helping their families to find help for them. It can make a big difference in this boys future. When I see one of the children I helped all those years ago, going to college now, holding down jobs and raising families of their own that is the best paycheck ever! Teaching can be a difficult occupation, but the payback into heart and soul is beyond measure. Best of luck to you. Bless you for helping our future generations.!!

Answer 2

I second the suggestion for finding some checklists for simple assessements of all the kids in your care. You should be able to find some on the web or at the library (see examples below). Then you can focus not only on his weak areas but also point out some of his strengths. It's also important to remind parents that you aren't a professional (unless you are!) so you certainly can't diagnose a problem, however that after many years of experience and observation you are sharing your concerns because you care about him.

It's possible his pediatrician has already picked up on the problems and/or that he's being treated for them and she hasn't said anything to you. I don't know why, but parents sometimes don't inform their caregivers when a child has been formally evaluated and is receiving therapy for a delay.

If she does get upset, remember it's not about you. It's very painful to consider that your child may have a problem. Given time, I'm sure she will do what's best for her kids and get over any ill feelings she may initially have towards you. Good luck!

Answer 3

Here's an idea, being a former preschool teacher, is do a "progress report" on all the children, you can usually find some good reports on early childhood websites that says what age the child should be walking, talking, coloring in the lines, etc. And do some observations and check it off as you observe them. Give them out to the parents with of course some great comments like "Joe is doing great! He's really come a long way and he's a pleasure to have in class!" when it comes to that child's mom that you want to confront, sometimes the answers might speak for themselves. In the comments, you could say "you know, i noticed that Fred is still a little behind than the other children and there are a lot of great programs in our community that could help Fred." Now you are saying it, but using a professional point of view rather than just saying that her child is slow. Hope that helps!

Answer 4

Well first you need to remember this, the kid is only 3 and unless you have some expertise in the area other then running an in home daycare you may not be the best to offer advise on this topic and you certainly would be putting yourself in an awkward situation at least.
Kids mature differently and develop differently not all 3 year old kids learn at the same rate and some have more problems then others as well.

If you don't feel up to talking to the child's Mom about it why not call in social services and have them come by your place and take a look at the kid when Mom is not there. If you are running a legal daycare in your home then that should be fairly routine. The Onus would be on them as to what to do and not you.

Answer 5

As you know that this is is very delicate situation, I suggest that you locate some outside sources materials, perhaps in brochure form, to help soften the blow. Your concerns are valid and you're right on target to address this before the child reaches public school. If there is a father present perhaps it would be easier to approach him instead, or see if you can find an objective third party to break the news.

If the mother sees that you're genuinely interested in the needs of the child and are not being combative, she may be receptive to your suggestions of an evaluation; she may also pull the child from your care, which you may have to be willing to accept. Since you do have a good rapport with the mother, approach her with the compassion you feel and in such a manner that she won't have the opportunity to become defensive. There's no easy way to break news like this to a parent, and in all honesty it seems unlikely that she's unaware of the situation, unless she is also socially and developmentally behind.

Answer 6

I think it's great that you care enough to want to help this child. I am an educator and one thing I would suggest is to set up a parent meeting one day. You may want to make some notes about why you think the child is behind. Use words that are less threatening (not behind, slow, etc.), but rather that are more professional in nature. Do the "oreo method" where you begin by saying how much you enjoy the child and then explain that you have "concerns", be specific and suggest that he be evaluated. Then say something good again about the child, this is the oreo method (something good, something not so good, something good).

You are the best line between child and parent to catch these things. My hats off to you for being so intuitive and watchful! The other child you mentioned (elder sibling), has that child been tested? Just curious.

Answer 7

As your business is child care and you have identified the need then create a program from your knowledge base. If you ask the parent how she feels her child is developing in comparison to her first she may say that she's noticed that the child is not as advanced this would be your lead in to letting her know your observations, you could also make observational notes but be aware that you shouldn't be making a comparison between the siblings or another child in them, if the parent feels the child is fine your alternative is to not say anything and put your program into place or to say something and possibly have the mother feel offended and move her children elsewhere. Is unfortunate but some parents don't want to hear that their child is less than perfect and as you already indicated she doesn't appear to think there is a problem so your risk of losing the opportunity for early intervention may go. This does not need to be onerous and should be included into the program that you already provide as part of your childcare business, use your expertise.

Answer 8

I have a day care in my home and whenever I have a concern about a child's development, behavior, eating habits, what ever, I always ask if they have a quick moment first. If they have the time to talk, and never when other parents are around, I simply say, I have some concerns about blah blah blah. I ask if they have noticed anything at home and then try to compare what they tell me with what I've witnessed. If the parents think it's serious, and in the case of what you have described it is, I suggest they speak with their pediatrician and see if they can refer them to someone who specializes in the area of concern. I've worked for many years in public school, preschool, day care facilities and now my own day care, so the parents have always been very receptive to what I have to say. They know that I truly care about their children and just want to make sure they are healthy and happy and getting help if they need it. I'm sure the mom of this child you watch feels the same way about you and would hopefully feel comforted that you are looking out for her child, in every way possible. Just be as tactful as you can, try not to sound overly concerned or as if the issues are causing a problem during the day. Just tell her the things you have mentioned here and pray that it goes smoothly. Honestly, some parents can't see when their child is having developmental delays. They want their child to be perfect so they are in sort of a state of denial that anything is wrong. They often need someone outside their family to say, "hey, I'm noticing something that's a little off", before they will notice it themselves. Good luck.

Answer 9

I know how you're feeling. I've taught preschool for 12 years and have had to approach parents with concerns many times. I think you're right about speaking with her now. I usually tell the parents that I have some concerns and ask if they would come after school to meet with me. You can do this, or find a time away from the children to speak with her. I think since you have a good rapport with her it should go smoothly. You can simply tell her that you are concerned with his hearing, and that she have him tested. This would just put a bean in her bonnet to get things started. Hopefully the child's doctor would notice something wrong and get things moving. If this doesn't work, I suggest you be a little bit more direct with her. In a calm and gentle way, tell her that you are concerned with his language skills, and that he is not where you would like to see him. It would also be good for her to come observe your program so she can see the difference between her child and the other children. Watch her to make sure she is noticing the other children. I have done this with some parents and they only watch their child. If she does this, try and find a way to point out another child to her. Hope this helps. Good luck and keep up the good work!

Answer 10

I would like to thank you for choosing a career field that isn't choosen by most. I'm in the same field and have had the same experiences as you are having now. Some times its not about the parents and their feelings its about the children so don't feel like your the bad guy because you are doing your job and you have the childs best interest at heart. In the long run she will appreciate the early warning about the childs development. Take it one stepp at a time. Most parents are in denile about their childs development because of their lack of knowledge. Be persistant and consident! First talk to the parent about your discoveries. Second video tape the childs behavior. Third get the information for the parent. Get info on different programs for developmental disablities whether its lanaguage,cognitive or physical. Last but not least, it is your program so you can invite any professional to evaluate your program or the children in it. This parent my be able to except this info from someone who is completely unbias. I hope everything works out, you are doing the right thing, hang in there and good luck.

Answer 11

sounds like the child is developmentally delayed first if she seems like a the type of lady that although your not an expect but have a good idea about what kids should be doing at what age. You should say look I would like to be able to sit down and talk to you about the child. If you can not sit down now or she can not sit down at that time make a time that would suit both of you. Then you could start and say something in the lines of I see many children and I know what other children should be doing at that age. but I have noticed that your one does not. It may be a good idea to have your child cheeked out. Tell her were to go to get this help. It is not uncommon for there to be more then one developmentally delayed child in one family. But your right getting this sorted now is much better that way if the child need speech therapy or any thing else getting this started at much early age is only the best thing for the child good luck