daughter is messing up!?

Question

My 13 yo daughter is messing up. I know she's a good girl, still get good grades, but since Apri has behavior has chnaged, She took to joining bad crowds, doing foolisg things and got a bit disrespectful, though not that much. We talked to her, she apologized and promised to change. For some weeks I got back my lovely teen, but then she started messing up again. Yesterday when she got home I noticed she had drank. She confessed she had joined that crowd again and had drank beer.
I'm thinking about what I can do for my daughter. I have to protect her. I've always been a very understanding mom, have never given my kidsd a harsh punishment, but today she's grounded and mad at me. I'm really sad. I have to find a way to correct her , shes nice but is sidetracked. How can I straighten her up without being harsh and showing despite what shes doing I love her so much?

Answer 1

IT's a very difficult situation for a parent. Your daughter is only 13 and she is not to old to have restrictions placed on her. In fact she needs them now more then ever. I expericned MASK Depression when I was 18 only because I was the good girl up unil I graduate dhigh school. It is common for young adolescents to mask depression. This occurs when depression, or "anger turned inward," is intolerable or unacceptable. To hide the true pain and intense sadness of depression, the teen disguises anger in other, more aggressive ways.

Signs of Masked depression are

1.Truancy
2.Learning Problems
3.Sexual promiscuity
4.Temper Tantrums
5.Hostile behavior
6.Rebelliousness
7.Defiance
8.Running away
9.Delinquency
10.Accident-prone behavior
11.Reckless behavior
12.Obsessive/Compulsive rituals.
13.Boredom, restlessness
14. Somnatic complaints

Parents reaction to mask depression is most often anger and frustration. These reactions only help to further alienate a teen who is already usually distrustful, hostile, or uncommunicative. The need for help is present. Communication IS extremely important. You need to set aside time to talk, I mean REALLY talk with her. One of those mother daughter things.......Do not get mad at her, if she doesn't want to talk don't force her. You need to find out if something is upsetting her though. Teenagers require creative questioning....point blank are you having sex, doing drugs doesn't always cut it. Examples of creative questioning include "If your life could be perfect right now what would it be like"....when she starts to answer listen to what she is saying...

Just because the home life may seem close to perfect, everything in "her" world may not be perfect.. That's what's important. Not only be her mom, be her best friend. I hope this has helped some.

Answer 2

Your choice not to be harsh and discipline her is selfish. Your not looking out for your daughter, your trying to make it easier on you. She needs a parent, not a pal. So many parents do not use much discipline with their kids growing up and then when they are teens, all of a sudden they think suddenly they become bad.

It didn't happen overnight; you just chose not to acknowledge it. Since when is discipline bad? Harsh? Do it if needed. Don't be her buddy or pal; be her parent. Set the rules and dont' back down. You don't want to admit it but this just didn't occur. Would you rather be harsh, or allow her to be a drunk, drug addict or a teen mother. It's time to get real. Do whatever it takes.

Don't be a cool adult; be a good parent. It's about your daughter and not what makes you look the best or what's easiest for you. 13 y/o and drinking? Ouch. It's time to get real. You said,"I want to discipline her but do it in a non harsh and nice way?". That's all about you.

No kid likes discipline when it happens, and she'll tell you she hates you; but in the end they enjoy it because it creates a happier environment and the love and concern they feel from you will make you closer.

Dr. Phil has done several shows on parents that are poor at discipline. Go on his website. I'm not a huge Dr. Phil fan but the changes in the families were remarkable. Discipline is not bad. The greatest love a parent can show sometimes is saying no. Be a parent, for your childs sake. It won't be easy but sometimes it isn't.

Answer 3

I have a daughter of 13 she will be 14 in November and the change in her is the same my heart goes out to you
it is no use going all mad and scream and it is no good closing your eyes
i no how you are feeling right now i had to ground my daughter yesterday
because of the way she acts
i sat down with her today i sent her brothers swimming so i could have a 121 chat with her
i tryed to explain i didn't think she was a bad girl but she was learning life by the wrong people i tryed telling her some truths about by life when i was young and how youths try to act all cool but as they get older if she didn't change her actions all she will be left with for friends are the dead end ones
the rest will get a decent life and she wont have that all she will be able to hang with are the troubled ones that will not have no future because decent people will not want to no her if she Carry's on going down the wrong path
it starts being little things they mess up on then the things they do get bigger and bigger till no one can control them
oh yeah moving could help but that is not solving the problem you have to solve the problem 1st
i wish you all the luck in the world i am sure things will work out OK as you seem a very caring loving mum
good luck
respect
shaz

Answer 4

She's 13 and going through some serious changes. All may not be right in her world, though it may seem that way to you. Ask her what's wrong. Boundaries must be set, but tell her that you're only setting them because you love her and want what's best for her. She may not know what she wants, but make sure she KNOWS that she has YOUR support, no matter what. Let her know there's places she go, people she can talk to and are willing to do whatever it takes to help her get through this, including you.

Spend some time with a family therapist and look into getting one for her if problems persist. Something else might be going on here than just a cry for attention. Depression is serious in teens and pre-teens, and can be seen as just a tantrum or typical rebelliousness. MAKE SURE there's too serious going on with your daughter, mind and body wise, and tell her that while you don't approve of her decisions, you're willing to let her try standing on her own. She'll have to eventually, and when she stumbles, be there to catch her.

Answer 5

Have you ever seen the movie "Thirteen"? If not, I suggest you watch it -- preferrably with your daughter so you two can have a heart-to-heart chat afterwards. I'm not saying your family situation is the same as what went on in the movie, but the movie is a very frank example of just how dangerously and horribly out of control a teen girl's life can become. However, that doesn't mean it HAS to become that way! And in fact, I think the movie, especially with its powerful conclusion, could very well be an excellent wake-up call to any teen girl who's thinking about taking the "bad path." Good luck to you and your daughter! :) I mean that sincerely!!

Answer 6

You have no choice, given the circumstances, but to be strict. Your daughter needs to remember that she chose to join the crowd even though you warned her. Then she chose to go back to the crowd and drink and get into other sorts of trouble by following that crowd's example. Her actions have gotten her into the trouble she is in. Show her you care by reminding her that you are trying to protect her from things that she doesn't understand yet. (She may get angry for you telling her what she does and doesn't understand, but think about it, if she understood that dangers of alcohol would she have been drinking it with those people?) Just make sure that whatever you do you tell her that you are there for her if she wants to talk to you and make sure you don't betray her trust. Other then that, just remember to keep her in your prayers! Good luck, God bless.

Answer 7

I would get her involve in sports or other activities she likes so she cant have time to do these things, explain tha it isn't ok for her to do these things and why. Give her examples, take her to a local jail and show her the drunk tank, or the police station to talk to police to talk about statistics of accidents with young teens and rape stats of young drunk teens, how they can be taken adantage of, get hit by cars, trains, fall off of stuff. It is very dangerous for adults to drink, think of how dangerous for kids. Their bodies r not mature enough to take on alcohol. Liver disease, kidney failure, kidney stones. Brain development and cognitive abilities are effected by drinking. I'd be her mom and do the best I can to lay it down that it isn't ok for her to drink in ur home, do not feel bad for punishing her for something that she did wrong. Do not abuse her, but grounding and timeouts and taking away priveledges is totaly ok.
Use this as a learning experience for you and her. Get her to understand what is appropriate behaviour in your home and for her age and don't accept anything less.

Answer 8

This is a hard one !! You have to be careful with how you approach it because the wrong words could push her away and not pull her in !! I guess with out typing pages and pages I would say go and talk to a counsler not a religous one ( most kids just get upset when parents push religion on them) just find one she likes it might take a few but you will find one !! To throw out a guess I am gonna say she dosen't make friends as well as you would like and these kids accepted her and are willing to hang out with her so she doesn't want to give that up!! Also I would try to get her involved in somethings out side of school but don't push it !! She might want to try somethings and then she will possilbly make friends out side of those kids and will eventually seperate herself from them !!


Good luck !!

Answer 9

Sounds like me at that age... if you don't put a stop to the nonsense now, it will get worse. If she is already drinking at 13, she will most likely try drugs in the near future. If she is being persuaded by her friends, she will give into peer pressure more then what she is now. What next? sex at 14? Trust me on this one, be as strict as you have to, change her school, so she has to find new friends, but stop it now. You are a good parent to care so much, most parents don't seem to care that much. thank God for people like you.

Answer 10

Whatever you do, don't compare her to other kids that you consider "good". My parents did that to me and it made my rebellion even worse. I'd rather have kids get the wild years out of the way early instead of later in life. She needs to make her own choices. All you can do is help her. Punishment accomplishes NOTHING with a strong-willed kid.

It's like when people reach a certain age they forget what it was like to be a kid.