I haven't mentioned I'm not Christian, how do I refuse to join bible-study without alienating myself ?

Question

I'm a stay-at-home-mom who moved into a new (wonderful) neighborhood. I just met a few of the other mom's in the area and right off one asked me to join her bible study that will start in a few weeks. I feel really awkward about this because I haven't mentioned I'm not Christian (I usually don't talk about my religious beliefs with people I don't know very well) and now that she's mentioned it again I know next time I'll need a response !
She's best friends with my next door neighbor, has children the same age as mine, and has been really great to chat with and invited me to many other outings. But what do I do or say? She and her friends are the first women I have met here and I am worried that if I say I am not Christian I won't have the chance to become better friends...or they will try to "save" me. I have to give some kind of reason for why I won't be going. Or am I worried for nothing and should go and check it out?

Answer 1

The people that have said you should attend are helping you establish a bad precedent. And it's a precedent that might have an effect on your children as well. It's also a slippery slope that could well wind up in people trying to "save you," or rope you into activities (and perhaps even expenditures) which you would otherwise not be involved in.

First and foremost it's inappropriate for her/them to make assumptions about your religion or lack thereof. This is true for many reasons, not the least of which is that the U.S. is, at least so far, a country that has codified, and absolutely relishes, individual religious freedom. Giving in to their social pressure on this, at any level, is to give up an important aspect of your individuality. I am also a firm believer in the idea that children learn from their parents how to be independent and to resist following the "herd" - whether it’s their peers or other groups.

So by all means stay friendly, courteous and obliging. But within that framework, let them know (very nicely) what you will allow, and what the boundaries are. And as someone already mentioned, if you do this honestly and gently, then you are totally covered. If that doesn't satisfy them/her, then it's unlikely you would have wanted that relationship in the first place: because it came with unwarranted assumptions and demands.

Answer 2

You seem to be pretty nervous about rejecting her offer. I understand that it is hard when you are the new person someplace - you are the person you have always been but you are the new person there. You want to fit in but you also need to be yourself.

You have stated that you are not a Christian - that's part of who you are and is nothing to be ashamed of. Personally, I would thank her - really thank her - for her kind invitation, and then tell her that you will not be able to attend. Don't explain further. If she presses you about questions of religion/faith, and if that makes you uncomfortable, just explain that you believe that your faith and spirituality are deeply personal and individual, and that you don't feel comfortable discussing them on short acquaintance. Explain to her that you know that her invitation was generous and kind, and that you would like to socialize with her, but that you cannot attend her religious services.

Then, find some other neutral activity you think you all might enjoy and suggest attending THAT as a group on a day and time that doesn't conflict with your neighbor's bible study. It is direct but not confrontational and gives you a chance to interact with them socially.

A less direct method: thank her - really thank her - for her kindness, but tell her that you have another recurring committment at that time. And then find one. Contact the local community center/community college/adult education center and take a class in whatever - money managment, origami, yoga - something that you want to learn more about anyway, arrange for swimming lessons for you kids, make that time a regular date night with your husband - whatever. You have given yourself an alibi for not attending, but I don't think you have done much by way of developing a true friendship through honesty.

If you are not a Christian, I wouldn't go to the bible study and frankly I wouldn't apologize for it. I'm pretty sure that the woman was extending the invitation as a way of inviting you further into her social network so the best way to counter would be to suggest another social activity and gently decline - directly or indirectly - the invitation to bible study.

Answer 3

I really empathize with you, because I am not Christian either. I usually don't discuss religion with people other than close friends and family. So, I would suggest that you definitely not go unless you know you won't be uncomfortable attending. I can undestand how awkward you must feel in a new neighborhood which you like and that you don't want to alienate any new friends. But you need to do whatever will make you happy/comfortable. Maybe you do want to just check it out just to see what it's like. Or if you decide not to, couldn't you just say, "You know, I really appreciate the invitation, but I have my own religious beliefs and wouldn't feel right going to that." If these women are so nice, then shouldn't they understand your feelings? Don't do something you are not comfortable with just in order to fit in and maintain relationships. If it turns out that you can't remain friendly with them, then you could always try to find other women to be friends with by going to recreation/leisure classes, or parks where moms with kids congregate. It also depends on how old your children are. If they are in preschool, then you may have the opportunity to meet other moms there. Or if they are in elementary school, that's also a good way to make friends. Whatever you do, just be yourself and good things will most likely happen...good luck!!

Answer 4

Here is my advice.
Explain that you are not Christian.
If your kids and theirs are playing together it is going to become public information anyway.
If it comes from you, then they understand that you are not ashamed of it.
If you appear to be hiding it - then you are opening yourself up to suspicion (are they devil worshipers or witches?) or opening yourself up to trying to be converted.
Be up front, matter of fact (but not pushy), and do not make excuses.
If you are a good kind person, it won't matter to them.
If you are okay with them talking about their Christianity let them know (example if they say "Oh I feel so blessed to have met you or if you sneeze "God Bless You).
Such statements are made from the heart.
Just let them know that you have different beliefs, and once you get to know them better you will be open to discuss them (if you are).
We are devout Catholics.
The best bible study I was ever in was a couples study.
The count of couples were 3 Catholic , 2 Lutheran, 1 Evangelical, 1 Methodist, and 1 atheist.
Everyone was open minded and learned a lot.
We never did convert the atheist's but at least we knew where they were coming from much better.
It lasted about a year and a half.
Don't worry.
And if you are curious - go check it out - just because you go a few times does not mean you are locked in for life.
Hope this helps, and good luck!

Answer 5

This is a real problem one I haven't been able to solve a lot of the time but I tell them that I don't go because I am an atheist some will accept that and move on others won't the ones who do I can become friends with in the long term the ones that don't I couldn't
I have learned to accept this as just the way it is. If you are curious about Sunday school it ain't THAT bad and it does provide a social setting to get to know your new friends better and may provide them with some insight to YOUR beliefs.Good luck to you.

Answer 6

Where I would not participate in prayers or worshipping, I do have many friends and family that are religious. I would try to be as truthful as possible without insulting anyone else's belief. If they cannot accept you for the wonderful person you are, regardless of belief, then you may not want yourself or family exposed to those type of people. Perhaps try and give them the benefit of the doubt, be honest, and you may strike up some wonderful friendships. Good luck.
You can always say that you don't feel comfortable talking openly about beliefs because of the way you were raised. Many people can understand that.

Answer 7

I can undertand your quandry. You haven't mentioned what religion you are, if any at all. If it's against your religion, I wouldn't do it. But, if not, I might go and check it out. Maybe you can learn something. I'm an atheist myself. Personally I'd go to it as a learning experience. I think you should mention the fact that you aren't a Christian. If they can't repect that, and accept you for that, then they're not the kind of people that you need to worry about being friends with. True Christians are understanding and would accept you in spite of what they may percieve as a "fault".

Answer 8

The first time you met her she dropped religious hints out there to see if you would bite, knowing that a fellow believer would jump at the chance to talk about religion. But you didn't, so she already knows you're not religious. The only reason she befriended you is to try to convert you.

She's going to keep pestering you until you make it absolutely clear you're not interested. If you tell her the truth that you're not religious, that won't do it. If you want to keep the friendships, while not coming across as a social pariah, you're going to have to lie and claim to be some other religion. Tell her you're a Unitarian Universalist or something to get her off your back.

Answer 9

Just tell them that "At this time it is not convenient for you to join in their study group. Perhaps at another time you may be in a position to join them." That way you are not cutting yourself off from these woman and it gives you an opening should you decide later you would like to check out what the bible study is all about. Take care and have a great day.

Answer 10

Just because you aren't Chrisitian doesn't mean you can't study the Bible. I'm not Christian and I've found it interesting to read. I would say check it out at least once, it won't kill you.

Don't lie to get out of going, whatever you do. If you don't want to go then just say you aren't interested. If you're worried about being ostracized, getting caught in a lie is much more likely to have that effect than telling the neighbors you aren't Christian. Plus, if they are that judgmental, who needs them anyway?