how to leave an abusive realtionship?

Question

hello i have been in a relationship for about 5 years and we ave two children together and my oldest is from another relationship. after we started having kids the ause started. The name calling, the put downs. not helping with the children or even bothering with them . it has gotten worse now to controlling me making me feel bad, saying that i am a bad mother. he gets mad if i do not have sex with him, he uses it like a obligation that i owe him. i have relaixed that my self esteem is lower than ever before and i have no where to turn . someone please help me. i think that my kids deserve a stable family and a stable foundation. thank you

Answer 1

You need to find a womens/family shelter in your area and contact them. They can provide you with information and give you some options. It's NOT hopeless and you MUST LEAVE NOW!!! You have to realize that your abusive man may begin abusing your children at some point. The abuse will only escalate. You and your children are in grave danger.

Answer 2

Leaving this man is going to feel like one of the hardest things you do. I've been out of mine for almost a week. Finding help is also hard, but it can be done. With my ex he doesn't work, I do, but I never have money because he always took it all. So, I have to stay at my aunts house, until I can save up enough money to move on my own. I understand what your going through. Stay strong when he starts saying that he will change. It doesn't happen. Contact the police if you have to. Get a restraining order for you and the kids that will keep him away from the kids as well. I wish you the best of luck

Answer 3

He's doing his best to make you believe that you DESERVE this sort of treatment. That is simply not true. You deserve someone who loves you and will treat you and your children well. This is not the man. It's obvious that his own self-esteem is very low that he has to belittle you to make himself feel better.

The verbal abuse is bad enough, but coercing you to have sex when you don't want to is only a few steps from rape. From his standpoint, it would get easier to force you to have sex if this behavior continues.

Do you have family? Financial resources? If so, TELL your family what's going on. Start saving money. If you live together, you need an escape plan. Contact your local domestic abuse shelter. Look in the phone book or call information to get the number. Call from your public library if you feel like he may be monitoring your phone calls from home. They will advise you on what to do.

No matter what he promises, don't believe it. Without counseling and effort, he's NOT going to change. Don't fall for it.

You deserve BETTER.

Answer 4

I have been there and am a survivor. I was in a abusive relationship for 8 of the 13 years we were together. The Domestic Violence Intervention Project (DMV for short) helped me get out and start a new life. I am stronger then I have ever been it has been 6yrs that I have been free from my abusive situation. I have enclosed links with numbers that will help you get in touch with your local DMV office. They have groups, they helped me get a house, furniture, in my case I had to leave everything behind to keep my kids and I safe. I am now moved from where they first helped me but I still go to the groups at my new area and so do my children. If you need anyone just to listen feel free to contact me. You are in my thoughts and prayers and you are not alone.

Answer 5

First, you are a smart and strong woman for not being fooled into thinking you are not abused or you do not deserve better.
There are a few things you should know and repeat to yourself and act on.
One, as I said above, you are smart and strong, and you know that you are abused. Do not expect him to acknowledge it, he won't, and he'll try and guilt you for even thinking it. But, you should never be called names, never have to have sex if you don't want it, and never be undermined in the most demanding altruistic job on earth, mothering.
Second, I suspect that you do have some family and friends that will support you. You cannot tell until you reach out. Your man may be a charmer to the outside world so you think it is an uphill battle to get someone to feel with you. But, trust me, the problem is far more common than you think. Yes, a few may ignore you, but you will find more support than you think you might from where you are now, and you will need it. Regardless of whether family and friends will materialize for you, get out your Yellow Pages, and look under Women for abuse help centers. Contact them without delay. This is very important. You won't be doing things alone and without guidance anymore.
Three, control is subtle and dangerous. I don't know how young your kids are, but if you can get a job, even a part time one, do. It will reinforce your self-esteem and provide you with some means and put you on a path to financial self-sufficiency.
Four, consult with a lawyer to see what your options are in terms of getting him kicked out of the place. I suppose that the lease is in his name, when he has a controlling temper. But because the children are there, you may be able to keep your home. As for paying for your home, you might find some help from family as I mentioned above. If you have to give up your place, do. Better be safe and on your road to happiness, independence, and well-being than comfy and miserable. If you can't afford a private lawyer, go to your Legal Aid office. No doubt the Women's help centers will help you find it, or you can also look it up in your Yellow Pages, or contact the Police Department, they will assist you in locating Legal Aid.
Emotional and Verbal Abuse eventually turns physical. You must break up with your guy. I know that's the hardest and scariest part. He probably provides you with something positive but, on the whole, he hurts you, and through hurting you, hurts your children. If you do want to work on your relationship, if he shows willingness to work at himself, do it only AFTER you break away. Do not stay under his control.

Answer 6

first off if he hits you , call the police and have him arrested . you can then get a civil protection order against him .
at which point he is not allowed in your house or around you or calling you .
dont feel bad about having him arrested , he dont seem to care how his abuse makes you feel .
if he is not hitting you , then i would start saving up some money he doesnt know about , make plans to leave , and see if you can either stay with a friend , or relative or go to a womens shelter . they can help you find a place . but make sure you have money saved back just in case you or your kids need something .
get out as soon as possible . you never know when the abuse will worsen or when he will start taking things out on the kids .
good luck and HUGS

Answer 7

Something like this is never easy and leaving is always difficult to do, oddly enough. From the outside it is easy for someone to say 'leave' and its true, you must do this.

Oftentimes people stay in these relationships becuase they fear attempting life or something on their own. They have developed a comfot being in this abusive relationship and justify staying because they are afraid of not knowing what to do when they finally leave.

Clearly you have determined it is best for your to leave, both mentally, physically, and spiritually. Is there a family member you can go to temporarily? How about a friend? It may be worthwhile to get a hotel for a few days to allow yourself to sort things out.

Judging by your question, it is imperrative that you leave.

Answer 8

Either kick his sorry butt out of the house (preferable so the kids aren't up-rooted) or make a plan, save some money, borrow it, whatever, and get out. If you have to do it while he's gone or sneak away - do it. Just get out. You and your kids deserve better. The controlling, and verbal abuse are sometimes just the beginning. You need to leave before it escalates to physical violence. You deserve, as we all do, to be with someone that truly cares for you- real love, from a REAL MAN, lifts you up and makes you feel good about yourself. If someone loves you they DON'T hurt you emotionally or physically. It took me a long time to figure that out, but its true. Love/Relationships do NOT equal drama and misery. Good luck, take care of yourself and those babies. =)

Answer 9

Get out! This man has all the characteristics of the classic abuser. It will escalate. It will get worse. If you don't leave you are putting your children and yourself at risk. Every state in the U.S. has multiple places to turn for assistance. I've included some links for you to research. You owe yourself and your children a stable life without this weak, little, insecure, selffish, self-centered man in it! He will destroy you. The first step is definitely the hardest: making that important decision to leave. Making that decision is tough but it is empowering. I wish you the best and be strong!

Answer 10

For the children's sake and yours, leave now. Pack up and get out because my mom went through the same thing. As my little brothers got older it got worse. I know kids need a dad but not that kind of dad. My mom has been out of that relationship for 5 years now and is happier than she has ever been. My brothers have a good life, free from yelling and mental abuse. It was the hardest thing she ever did but it turned out to be the best thing she could have ever done. Good Luck and be strong!