How to talk to my man?

Question

We have been together 19 months. He is 37. I'm 34. He has "gone off" sex, its been a problem, for me, for months, I've had sex once this year! I know some of your reactions will be "he's gay" to "he's having an affair" but I can assure those obvious thoughts are wrong.
When I try & talk to him we don't get far, he's never been much of a talker. I'd like to know the best way to talk to him where in he won't clam up?
He has money worries all this time, I've moved up a dress size - I don't know if this counts, he's never mentioned it - he can get an erection, I don't believe its a physical problem.
We had a pregnancy scare & he said has said he "hasn't gotten his head around the 3 abortions he was resposible for" in his earlier relationships, do you think this is the problem? I suggested I go on better contraception & he told me not to bother! So I am confused, I have shouted & I think he thinks when I bring this up its a fight, not something to be resolved together. Can anyone help?

Answer 1

U've got a hard road ahead of U.
Men's sex life will suffer if they're over-loaded with many problems.
Time 2 sit him down 4 a heart2heart.
What U can't discuss will fester away, try not 2 let it lay unresolved. UR Man is taking on-board a lot of guilt, guilt over the abortions, he may need some counseling 4 this.
It's obvious he has a good heart 2 feel like this over something some men C as only a Womans problem.
Has he been checked-out by a doc, 4 some under-lying medical problem?
I wish I could say something 2 make all go away 4 U.
I'm with U in spirit.
GOOD LUCK!
:)

Answer 2

First, I think you both might try to at least agree on marriage counselling, if you are both serious about your relationship succeeding. Your man might also get sex therapy; you might help him with this using books and following the guidelines of the therapist. Note that marriage counselling might include this but they are really two distinct fields.
You wrote: "he said has said he "hasn't gotten his head around the 3 abortions he was resposible for" in his earlier relationships." As you recognized, he will have to get over this. The best way is for him to learn to forgive himself. A psychologist, priest, or philosopher might help him with this. We each of us make mistakes in life. Life goes on, if we dwell on them, unable to reach the point of forgiveness, the attendant healing process cannot proceed. He will heal and you will both of you enjoy some sex life, I'm sure, if you both believe.
I've heard men's sex drive does diminish slowly after the peak of 18 years. I think this is true. I've noticed it in my own body. However, I've also heard of men as old as 80 enjoying sex. There must be a way. Maybe accepting the changes in the aging of our bodies is a key. I can still get it up, but it takes a while longer than when I was younger.
My wife and I got marriage counselling in our first year of marriage. It did help. We now have two children, delightful angels, 6 and 3. Let me know if I can help answer any other questions. I hold you both in the Light.

Answer 3

All these answers are great until you've really gone through the same situation.

Any chance you get, remind him that you're not one of his ex's. He's not going to like this, but it will get you closer to the results you need. Also, ask him, "Is there anything I can do to help?" This key phrase seems to work really well with men because it gives them the opportunity to be open and take you up on your offer or figure things out for themselves.

After that, you just have to wait. Pleasing yourself while you wait for him to come around is a great release, but make sure he knows you're doing it. Don't hide it from him. Tell him, "I'm horny. Wanna have sex?" If he says he doesn't feel like it, say, "Okay, then, I'm going in the bedroom to pleasure myself." He may get curious and join you, he may not. Either way, you get release.

Answer 4

First of all... Do you want the TRUTH... or do you wish to persist in FANTASY.

What *IS* your relationship?

He's "your man"... but you don't have sex?
Do you LIVE together... do you visit once a week?

I don't discount "GAY" nor do I discount "an AFFAIR"... in fact, if he's NOT gay... I'm guessing he's having an affair, if only with his HAND.

I'd like to know more about what your "RELATIONSHIP" is too.
Are you married? Maybe this is ONE SIDED... maybe you THINK he's YOUR MAN. Maybe you're NOT his woman.

I think you have an imaginary lover here... as much as I hate to say it. I think your relationship is just that.... Your Relationship... and it's all in YOUR head.

I do think your WEIGHT problems contribute... and I DO know you (and he) have no communications skills. For Goodness sake You're 34!!! you should be able to have a meaningful conversation by now!

Good luck to you... you'll need it.

Answer 5

From what you say he has many problems he has to deal with. Have you suggested counseling? If he balks at that, tell him that you are going to go for yourself anyways, and do so. I'm sure this is very worrying for you and means you need some help to sort things out in your own mind as to how you really feel about whats happening. Setting an example does help in letting your partner know that there is nothing scary about seeing a councilor.

Answer 6

If he thinks you are fighting everytime you bring this topic up then write him a letter. He'll have to read it and he cannot interrupt you about it. Obviously something is bothering him. It isn't normal for a man not to want it. In your letter be tender and understanding. Tell him that you love him and that making love is one of the ways to express your love for eachother. Tell him how you feel about him not speaking to you. Explain that you are not trying to pick a fight with him, but that you are very frustrated because these are real concerns for you and that you feel he is not receptive to your concerns.

A letter can do wonders. You put in that letter whatever you want to put in it. Be as honest as you can. If you don't get anywhere with it, then you need to think about your future with this man. Is this the way you want to live? See what happens.

Good luck.

Answer 7

Yeah it sounds like he's suffering from depression or anxiety, and scared that he'll get you pregnant. I don't know what you were using before, that you still had pregnancy scare, but try something different. There are other ways to be intimate, if you know what i mean, take baby steps(no pun intended) and experiment with new contraception.

Answer 8

He is suffering from depression and needs to seek therapy. He has already told you he is concerned with money and has guilt from previous abortions as reasons for being depressed.

Answer 9

Girl, it's obvious his not interested in having sex with you anymore. Maybe you should inform him that if you aren't getting any from him, you are going to find it elsewhere, then maybe he'll wake up and stop neglecting your needs. If he doesn't, you know he doesn't care anymore.

Answer 10

It sounds like all he needs is time and patience. He sounds like he is feeling very guity about things in the past. Just give him time, maybe suggest sex therapy.