i need an opinion about what to do? my mom past away 7 1/2 months ago and my dad started dating my moms sister

Question

like 2 months after her death and now they they are together on and off, on and off, my 12, 13, &14 yr old bro and sisters and me have been kinda left out there to fend for our selves im old enough to handle it but now i feel like they are my responsibility 100% just so they can live a somewhat normal life im soo stressed and my dad and aunt dont even think they are doing anything wrong they act like everything is how it should be. my mom and dad were married for 19 years she was only 34 and i know my dad is still young but so soon and to totally change his lifestyle i just dont know what to do or even say!!

oh and just to let everyone know i am 20 years old so that is partily why i feel like i need to do something i live 30 min away from them and just cant stand hearing that he leaving the kids all by them selves almost 24/7

Answer 1

I'm very sorry for your loss but I don't think you have to say anything. Both your dad and your aunt are grieving and have likely formed a bond that may or may not last through their pain. They turned to each other and while it might not have been a way that was appropriate, they're helping each other deal with the saddness of a loss of someone who was dear to them. People deal in many different ways and only time will tell if the bond is lasting or forged because they both experienced something so crushing. I wish you well but I urge you to cut them some slack and try to realize that as long as they're happy, it's a good thing.

Answer 2

Well, people heal differently and death is a big undertaking all together. I am very disturbed that he would date you mothers sister! He should be focused solely focused on raising those children that's a priority. You as his eldest child does have the right to voice your opinion respectfully, otherwise he probably would never really know how this truly is affecting your life. Further more, I wonder why he is dating your mom's sister especially if your mom wouldn't have approved of that if she were living and the situation permitted him to be with another woman! As for your aunt she's just as disloyal! You hang in there and do what you can but since your a child yourself don't miss out on your childhood because your dad is not doing his part it isn't your responsibility!

Answer 3

First, I'm really sorry for the loss of your Mom, especially at such a young age for her, as well as you and your siblings. Your Dad is going through a really rough time too. More than likely he has turned to the Aunt for comfort. (As is she, with your Dad) Obviously your the oldest and *feel* like since Mom is gone you are the responsible one, maybe you can sit with your Dad and just talk about your feelings about losing your Mom and how you *feel* that since she is gone that you have to step-up and almost try to do what she did. Tell him that you know that's not right to feel like that, but you are having a hard time getting past it when he is busy.

You need to keep the lines of communication open with him so you can all work through the mourning process.

Good luck and best wishes for you and your family!! ;)

Answer 4

All of you need to sit down and talk openly about your feelings It seems they are being very inconsiderate and selfish with their own needs....and not considering yours. I can only hope they will listen. If they do great ....but if you don't get their attention and they are that immature....all I can say to each of you is.... be there for each other and remember the only person you will be 100% responsible for in your lifetime is yourself. Time really does heal as I lost both of my parents within 13 months and my sons were my strength and it does get easier...The greatest gift you can give your mom is to follow your own life path and be there for each other during the bumps in the road. Take care.....

Answer 5

Grief does funny things to us. We all handle it in our own way. I am very sorry for you and your family. The loss of a Mom is devastating. The loss of a wife and or sister is just as devastating. For a sister, someone who has been a constant figure in your life since you were born or very young, is like losing a arm or leg. For a married couple to lose their mate, at such a young age, makes one really feel like life is totally unfair and the debth of knowing they will never come home and your left to carry on alone, raising your children, after sharing 19 years with them, is almost incomprehensible. You are all suffering. You (especially) are carrying a big responsiblity on your shoulder, feeling like you need to take care of your siblings and trying to deal with your own grief, plus watching your Dad and Aunt handling your Mother's death as if nothing has changed. Just continue to be honest with your feelings. Take the time you need to work thru your loss and the pain of your Mother's death. Try to patient with your Dad and aunt. After the first year goes by, reality will set in. But it doesn't sound like your Dad has grieved yet. If he hasn't, once it hits him, things will turn very sad and lonely for him. I am sure you wonder if life will ever be normal again. "Time" will take care of that. So just hang in there, lean on God for support, and try to be understanding to the fact that every one's grief is personel and there is no wrong way to deal with losing someone you love.

Answer 6

This is a tough situation. Sometimes death brings people together who otherwise would never get together. They are helping each other out. Have u talked to your dad or aunt about how u feel about the situation. I think u should let them know your feelings also.

Answer 7

I am sorry for your loss. Your mother and father married very young. And, your father may be very young and feels comfortable with someone he knows instead of searching for someone new. He does need to realize that he still has a family that needs him. Have a family meeting and talk with him. You are still a family and you and your siblings need to communicate with your father to let him know your needs. There is nothing wrong with your father dating you aunt; there is a comfort zone between the two. Good Luck!

Answer 8

I can imagine it's very tuff for you, try to get your dad to sit down with you and have a serious talk, tell him about your feelings, see if he's really serious about their relationship, not just medicating his loss this way...be honest with each other and try not to attack each other while talking. Be strong! If you can't handle it try to get out of the family and live on your own for some time, might give you a break and when you having a distance than it doesn't bother and hurt you as much...

Answer 9

You are the new 'mom"...sorry. But you can stop this now if you takes the following steps.

1. It is time for the pastor to come over for a visit. Speak with them ahead of time discuss your "concerns" and "fears".They will make sure they discuss your roll as a child still, and his roll as a parent. A 2month time period is too soon to call yourself single again .I bet the pastor does not know this "special time" they share alone together.

2. Its time to bring home your boyfriend all the time...If you don't have one, have a friend "pretend" to be one. This will cause Dad to become very territorial of his area. (dogs don't like other dogs sniffing around their tree ).

Answer 10

Your dad & your aunt do both have something in common – the loss of your mom. Both are going through the grieving process together and have similar feelings. They both share the same sort of memories of your mom, and they probably also have a long history of knowing each other. Your aunt is the closest thing to your mom your dad has left.

If it was a completely new woman, I might suspect your dad was hiding from his grief (since he had started dating within two months), but since it’s your aunt, I see that as understandable.

Still, while I do not know your age, it’s a heavy and unfair burden for you to have to essentially “parent” your siblings. It is not your job, and it will place undue expectations on you. Later in life, you’ll probably struggle with being over-responsible, feeling tied down, not knowing where your boundaries are, and so forth. You really need to be the age you are, right now.

(It also won’t help your relationship with your siblings, if you have to be their parent – caring for their emotional needs and grief, and making sure everything gets done.)

So you need to talk to your dad, as others have suggested. Be sympathetic towards him, ask him what he’s going through and what role your aunt is playing in helping him (i.e., be interested in him); but also treat yourself with the same dignity and tell him you feel like you’ve had to pick up a lot of responsibility and be the parent, and you miss him and need him to be your dad. You’re not a parent, you’re not old enough, and you don’t even have the practice he has had. You all need him, even while he tries to deal with his wife’s death, to be part of your family and realize everyone is grieving and lost.

You all need to stick together if you are all to make it. If he wants to include your aunt in that picture, accept that… but he definitely needs to be your dad. Your mom’s death did not change that, and now makes his presence even more important. He needs to listen to you and sympathize with you and support you.

Meanwhile, if you know any other “mother figures” in your life, find them and ask them to support you as you deal with this. I can’t imagine what it’s like to be the oldest and lose your mom – who would have been your strongest supporter in this situation. You can’t afford to remain alone.

Finally, make sure that all of the things you feel responsible for actually have to be done. Maybe you are putting extra pressure on yourself to make things happen that could be done differently. This is where the advice of an older woman could be very helpful to you.

Take care. Don't give up or let your fear/over-responsibility keep you from approaching your dad and conversing with him.

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Extra: Just saw your last comment. You're not in the house, so things are slightly different from what I said. Your goals, I think, are to (1) help be a spokesperson for your siblings [i.e., help your dad realize the situation, if they can't explain it well] but (2) meanwhile help encourage and teach your siblings to speak themselves to your dad. They need to learn how to do this, if things are to work in the end.

If you feel you need to sit down with both your dad and aunt and share what your siblings have been telling you, or the bad effects of what's been happening, then do that.