does anyone have any joke or illustrations I could use in a church sermon?

Answer 1

A mouse looked through the crack in the wall to see the farmer and his wife open a package. ‘what food might that contain?’ The mouse wondered, he was devastated to discover it was a mouse trap.

Retreating to the farmyard, the mouse proclaimed the warning.
‘There’s a mousetrap in the house! There’s a mousetrap in the house!’

The chicken clucked and scratched, raised her head and said, ‘Mr Mouse, I can tell this is a grave concern to you, but it is of no consequence to me. I cannot be bothered by it'

The mouse turned to the pig and told him. “There’s a mousetrap in the house!’

The pig sympathised, but said ‘I am very sorry Mr Mouse, but there’s nothing I can do about it but pray. Be assured you are in my prayers.

The mouse turned to the cow and said. ‘There’s a mousetrap in the house!’
‘Wow Mr Mouse, I’m sorry for you, but it’s no skin off my nose, said the cow.

So the mouse returned to the house, head down and dejected, to face the farmer’s mousetrap alone.

That very night a noise was heard throughout the house – like the sound of a mousetrap catching it’s prey.
The farmer’s wife rushed to see what was caught, in the darkness. She did not see it was a venomous snake whose tail the trap had caught. The snake bit the farmer’s wife. The farmer rushed her to the hospital, and she returned home with a fever. Everyone knows that you treat a fever with fresh chicken soup, so the farmer took his hatchet to the farmyard for the soup’s main ingredient.
But the wife’s fever continued, so friends and neighbours came to sit with her around the clock. To feed them the farmer butchered the pig. The farmer’s wife did not get well, she died. So many people came for her funeral, the
farmer had the cow slaughtered to provide enough meat for them all.

The mouse looked upon it all from his crack in the wall with great sadness. So, the next time you hear someone is facing a problem and it doesn’t concern you, remember – when one of us is threatened, we are all at risk. We are all involved in this journey called life. We must all keep an eye on each other and make an extra effort to encourage each other. Remember.. Each of us is a vital thread in another person’s tapestry; our lives are woven together for a reason. One of the best things to hold onto in the world is a friend.

Answer 2

Here is a joke I once heard in church.

A new minister preaches his first sermon on St. Peter cutting off the ear of the High Priests's servant with his sword in the Garden of Gethsemane and everyone is very impressed.

The following week he preaches another very good sermon on a slightly different aspect of St. Peter cutting off the High Priests's servant's ear with his sword. Somebody has a quiet word and suggests he might like to choose a different subject next time.

The following week is the harvest festival. He mounts to the pulpit and announces "My text for today's sermon is 'First the blade and then the ear'"

Answer 3

small church builds a huge steeple with a bell that so big that no one can ring it. They advertise and 3 men come to try out. The first 2 fail miserably. The 3rd gets all of his stregnth and determined to get the job as bell ringer throws the hammer as hard as he can when he misses the bell, hits a rafter where the hammer bounces backward, cracks the guy in the back of the head while he goes flying into the bell head first, out of the steeple and he lands in the middle of the lawn. Meanwhile the bell rings so loud that everyone hears it all over town. They run down to the lawn and they are all looking at this guys when someone says. who is he? Someone else says, I don't know but his face sure does ring a bell!

Answer 4

I honestly believe that God has a wonderful sense of humour and a joke I read on this site, would have appealed to Him. I will take the liberty of 'stealing' it from the original teller:

The wise old Rabbi died and went to Heaven where he was welcomed at the gates and taken straight into see God. 'Welcome Rabbi' said the Big Man, 'I will take you to the Jewish Section if you like'. Away they strolled to a beautiful corner of heaven where God showed the Rabbi where he would be staying. 'I'll show you around, if you like' God offered and the Rabbi accepted. 'And here we have the Muslim Section' God pointed to some beautiful homes 'Hello Allah' came a chorus from the people in the gardens. On they went to the Sikh, the Hindu and other sections until when they came to a very high wall, God put his finger to his lips and they quietly tip-toed past. When they were well away, the Rabbi asked 'What's the problem God'. 'No real problem' answered God 'It is just the Catholic Section - they think they are the only ones up here'.....

Number Two: The Pope died and went straight to Heaven. St. Peter welcomed him and told him to wait in the waiting room for a few days when God would see him. Two days passed, but the call did not come. Suddenly, he heard cheering and shouting inside the gates, so he went to see. He saw a crowd of about 200 people carrying a man on their shoulders being lead by St. Peter. They went straight into the Big House, and when the Pope had a peep, he saw the stranger on God's lap having a great chat. The Pope went back to St. Peter and said 'I don't know what's going on, but I was Pope back on earth. I have had to wait days. This stranger arrives and within minutes he is in with God. What's going on'. 'Well it's like this' said St. Peter 'according to our records you were the 167th Pope to come up here. He is the first London Detective to do so'.......

Answer 5

The success of any joke or illustration depends on the topic that you are discussing. Give us the topic of your sermon, and you might get better quality answers.

Answer 6

Picture the scene: Moses and his flock arrive at the sea, with the Egyptians in hot pursuit. Moses calls a staff meeting.

(Moses) Well, how are we going to get across the sea? We need a fast solution. The Egyptians are close behind us.

(General) Normally, I'd recommend that we build a pontoon bridge to carry us across. But there's not enough time - the Egyptians are too close.

(Admiral) Normally, I'd recommend that we build barges to carry us across. But time is too short.

(Moses) Does anyone have a solution?

Just then, his Public Relations man raises his hand.

(Moses) You! You have a solution?

(PRMan) No, but I can promise you this: If you can find a way out of this one, I can get you two or three pages in the Old Testament!

Answer 7

From Reader's Digest - Submitted by Margie Dorame, Oro Valley, Arizona

"Our Sunday school speaker had riveting stories to share with the kids: He was working near Mount St. Helens when it erupted. He was in Florida when Hurricane Andrew hit and was visiting friends in New Orleans as Katrina struck.

One child raised his hand. 'Staying long in tucson?'"

Answer 8

two naughty little boys were playing up one day more than usual
the mum just couldn't cope so sent for the local minister to have a word
the minister came in with a stern look on his face and the two little boys sat in silence
the minister approached one boy and asked in a raised voice ... " boy , do you know where Jesus is ? "
the little boy remained silent
he turned to the other little boy and asked the same " boy do you know where Jesus is "
the boy remained silent
before the minister could go into a lovely sermon about how Jesus was in their hearts the boys ran out in total fear of this man with the stern voice , into the kitchen and hugged their mum , hiding behind her apron
" whats wrong boys ? " mum asked
the oldest boy yelled with fear " mum , mum this guy Jesus is missing and the minister thinks we did it !! "

Answer 9

this is not a good place to find good jokes in fact I guarantee you'll get some of the stupidest answers that are insulting to a man of GOD plz goto yahooligans.com they are cleaner there.just a little friendly advice.

Answer 10

Jesus walked into an inn the night after the last supper. He didn't have any money, so he handed the inn-keeper 3 nails and asked; "Can you put me up for the night?"