My daughter and her 17 year old boyfriend just got engaged. A month ago they rented an appartment and never told us. We talked them out of it.He has not even graduated school yet. They have been dating for 5 months. My daughter is recently out of a 3 year relationship that ended badly. This new boyfriend is very manipulitive, he seems to be able to talk her into anything. She definatly was not raised to do what ever she wanted when ever she wants to do it. I am afraid if my husband (we have been married for 21 years) an I dont go along with it they will elope. What can I do? I want them to wait untill she is 21.If they last that long they should get married.
2006-07-26 01:39:02 · 17 answers · asked by I CAN SEE RIGHT THROUGH YOU! 3 in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
I am a parent, I can see why you are arew worried.
At 18 and 17 its hard to form a mature relationship, let alone a marriage. As well you report him as being manipulative, thats an added concern.
A few thoughts.
First, resist the thought of panic. Life has a way of sorting out our plans.
Next, keep communication open with your daughter, you and she will both need it.
You and your husband need to stand together on this, lean on each other.
Its better of they wait, the marriage has a better chance of surviving.
Finally, if you believe in God, pray, he really cares..
Peter
2006-07-26 01:56:45 · answer #1 · answered by Peter H 3 · 8⤊ 1⤋
I would start a conversation with her and ask about her future plans. After she's told you her plans, let her know what you think - in a loving and supportive way. She says "Joe Bob and I want to get married as soon as he's out of school and we want ten children" and you respond "I'm concerned that you and Joe Bob won't be able to support such a large family with out really good jobs. Have you thought about what type of work you're going to be doing? Does Joe Bob have a plan for his future employment?" Hopefully, you'll plant some seeds with this conversation and she'll think more about the future.
I would also try to get her into see a therapist. She sounds like she may have some issues to work out. Maybe get her in by calling it "family sessions" or bribe her, whatever works. The therapist can help her reason through her decisions without being critical or judgemental.
My final thought is that sometimes people have to learn the hard way and while it pains the family to sit back and watch, sometimes that is all we can do.
2006-07-26 02:04:03 · answer #2 · answered by Susan G 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well she is 18 and regardless of how she was raised she is legally an adult and there isn't much you can do if she has her mind made up. The good news is her bf is still only 17 so you have some time before they can actually get married, at least until he turns 18. My advice to you would just try and be supportive even if she does marry him. Support is needed so badly in time of mistakes.
2006-07-26 01:45:57 · answer #3 · answered by Alyson 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Where are his parents?!? He is only 17, and if he wishes to get married, he will have to get their permission or wait till after his birthday. I'd get hold of them, ask them what they feel about the situation.
In the meantime, your daughter is 18. There is nothing you can do legally to stop it. (Statistically, they will have a better chance of a long, happy married life if they wait till they're both in their 20's...)
I understand the situation from the other side- I was the daughter who was raised to know better. I've been engaged 3 times (married the 3rd guy).
My first fiance was a man who couldn't keep a job. He had emotional and mental health issues that I eventually realized I wouldn't be able to live with. I also realized that there were things I wanted in life, and if I did go through with the wedding, I'd NEVER have them.
My second engagement was a guy that (obviously) I loved (or so I thought). My parents, my brothers and all my friends hated him, told me stuff about him and his history. I felt they were being too harsh- "People change, why can't they let him turn over a new leaf?"
I eventually learned that he hadn't been completely honest about some things with our minister, and I thought, "How can you lie to him?.... If you've been dishonest with him, what have you been dishonest with me about?"
I have (HUGE) issues with dishonesty-- I've dumped more than one guy for not giving it to me straight... I left town, stayed with one of my uncles in another state, and broke the engagement off via a phone conversation.
*****
Whatever YOU say won't matter much to her. She'll probably be thinking like I was- "Why can't Mom/Dad lay off him?..." She'll simply have to discover something about him that she knows she won't be able to live with. Pray that she finds this intolerable characteristic BEFORE the wedding, and that she's willing to endure the backlash of a broken engagement (trust me, it's not that bad).
One possible suggestion- ask her what she wants out of life, her goals, dreams, etc. Ask her what her values are, what's important to her in every area you can think of. (You will need to get HER to say these things. Be sure to take mental notes of everything she mentions, b/c you will use that information, that wording later in the conversation.)
Then ask her how being married to him is going to help her achieve those things- here's where your mental notes come in. How is this wedding going to further her progress toward _______. (Use her wording!) "We'll figure out a way," isn't good enough, either.
Don't attack him in this conversation-- don't use words that degrade him, tear him down. That will only make her defensive- exactly NOT what you want! Be respectful toward him, about what she says.
"Oh, it's not?... and you're OK with that???!? WHY?!? Honey, you deserve EVRYTHING you just said. Why in the world would you give those things up?" Be incredulous! Be amazed that she'd give up these precious dreams for some guy that doesn't even respect her. (Manipulation requires a lack of respect)
Yes, this is a sales technique, but that's what you're trying to do- sell her on the idea that marrying this guy isn't what she wants.
You love your daughter, let her know. God loves her too. Ask Him for her happiness, well-being. Pray for her to gain wisdom. He will help you help your daughter.
2006-07-26 02:13:17 · answer #4 · answered by Yoda's Duck 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
She is 18 and legally she can do what she wants with or without your permission. I would try to talk with his parents and see if you get feed back there. Don;t go on the attack just try to come up with a plan to help them decide if this is the right thing. Churches usually offer pre martial counseling and has some good successes. You may also want to ask the both of them together to make a lite of pros & cons of why they want to be married at such an early age, sort of like whats the rush. Be very positive and upbeat other wise yuo could alienate everyone invloved and just make it worse.
2006-07-26 01:49:36 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
You are in a tricky situation. I think you should sit down with your daughter and tell her that you feel she is too young for marriage but you will support her if she moves in with her boyfriend after he has graduated. I know this is not what you want but at least you won't be alienated from her. Tell her that you want her to have a marriage that will last and if she tries living with this boy first she will be able to get a clearer idea of who he is and if he is for her. I get the feeling that this is a rebound relationship and that she is in serious pain. Don't let her feel any dislike you have for her boyfreindand try to make it seem like you are accepting him. It will be hard but you want her to stick around 'cos sooner or later she will snap out of this craziness and need you to help her out. I wish you the best of luck and your daughter will find her happiness again.
2006-07-26 01:52:50 · answer #6 · answered by nkate14 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If she just got out of a 3yr relationship, she was only 15...so having a boyfriend is all she knows. The other thing that I wonder is if you have voiced your discontent with her and the new boyfriend - she may be rebelling by moving forward as fast as what she is...try some reverse psychology on her...*pretend* to like the guy...and civilly try and talk to her about what they are really planning in regards to the marriage. Maybe she likes the idea of having a ring or being engaged. She probably has friends that are starting to go through this stage and feels like she has to go along with them...I dunno- but like others have said, he is a minor. What kind of jobs do they hold? How would they pay for the wedding? How are they paying for the apartment and all the bills that go along with that?
Just don't let her know that it's getting to you as bad as it is...hopefully she will wake up from her dream and realize that this is not what she wants out of life. If she doesn't, your going to have to let her learn from her mistakes, unfortunately. That's what life is all about- even as hard as *that* will be for you- she's technically an adult...you may only end up hurting your *mother/daughter* relationship in the end. That kind of damage is not worth her *little* mistake of marrying to young and learning that life ain't all it's cracked up to be....
Just let her know you love her no matter what, and if she chooses to become independent and get married you will emotionally support her but not financially. (make sure to say tthis in a civil manner also.) Anytime someone moves out, gets engaged and all that *adult* stuff they have to make sure they can financially support themselves. (not rely on Mom and Dad to keep bailing them out of messes)
As for the manipulating- he knows she is down and out from the break-up of the ex...and he will of course play on those feelings. I agree that that is not the right thing for him to do...but until she *mourns* the break-up and realizes she is a good person and better off with out the ex, she will be under the new guys spell. :(
Good luck with her and the fiance...time and love from you and her Dad could change her mind. You sound like a great Mom who is concerned about the well being of her daughter, but you can only do and say so much before she will turn her back on you and her family....don't let *her* silly mistake do that to you, her and the family.
Again Good luck!
2006-07-26 02:16:40 · answer #7 · answered by sammy22005 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well, I'd hate to say it but there is really nothing you can do about it at this point. She is an 18 year old adult and she has to experience life for herself now. She has to make her own mistakes without Mommy's protection, so that it can make her stronger. Your job now is to be there to support her when she needs you, because she'll still need you, you are always gonna be her mom, but just not for everything. If she does make a mistake with this decision, she'll realize your were right so don't throw it up in her face with the big "I told you so" speech. That right there could possibly push her away from you.
2006-07-26 02:03:53 · answer #8 · answered by High? 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
"Hes a very good boy and they love each other so much. I don't have anything against them getting married because she is in GOOD hands. And at least I wont have to worry about her marrying a bum... " what is the negative to this situation?? I say let them be! when she turns 18 you will not be able to stop her from getting married and it sounds like this is a good positive relationship and not some messed up one. Let your daughter be happy. it sounds like she is making the right decision to me.
2016-03-26 22:47:31 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
first, 17 is still a minor. She can actually be put in jail for statutory rape since he is under age.
What landlord would rent anything to a 18 and 17 year olds? Have you tried talking to the boy's parents? They have some legal control over him since he is still a minor.
2006-07-26 01:44:10 · answer #10 · answered by thunder2sys 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋