Should I leave him in his time of need?

Question

My husband is a depressive alcoholic and his mood swings have caused great upset to our two children.

He left the family home in Easter this year, at the time I didn't know that he had any mental health problems I thought that he left because he was seeing someone else.

Since then however I have tried to get him help via the doctor, social services and other organisations but he doesn't want to know.

I work part time so I can't be with him all the time, when he's had something to drink (usually between 10-18 cans of beer) he is very aggressive and abusive, and although I go to his flat and help him tidy up I can't cope anymore.

I am physically and mentally drained with the abuse he shouts at me and our eldest child is scared of him

his mother says I should end the relationship and get on with my life and he'll be fine, but I don't think I can let go that easily.

He has threatened to kill himself on many occasions and I don't know I should do?

Answer 1

You are such a good person.

You are giving him all this time and attention with absolutely nothing in return. Even his own MOTHER tells you to get on with your life.

I honestly think she has a point. If it's not for your sake, for your children's.

Threatening to kill himself is not a real threat, it is a form of blackmail which should be ignore. You are not responsible for his happiness and you should just move on and look after yourself and the children.

You never know, this may force him to sort his own issues out and become a more pleasant person to spend time with.

Answer 2

You must have a very stressful time looking after 2 kids holding down a job and being a carer for your husband.
You need time to recharge yourself so you can think clearly.
Maybe you could go away for a short break and tell your husband that he has to admit he has a problem and seek help other wise you will leave him threats or not, or even give yourself a week off from seeing him, maybe his mother could take over.
It is very important to check what effect this is having upon your children as sometimes, thro no faults of our own we can not see how other people are suffering.
The fact he is threatening to kill him can not cloud your decision and you must make the best decision for you and your children.
Hopefully the break will give him a kick and he will seek some type of help.
You may also find it helpful to have a chat to your g.p who will be able to put you in touch with support groups in your area or have a look in yellow pages for a support line.
Good luck and take care x

Answer 3

ok here's what to do....

1. go and see alcoholics anonymous on his behalf and ask to talk to someone about what you can do to help him.

2. If you have been supporting him through this for a long time and now need a break, TAKE ONE, in fact, make it your FIRST priority, you and THE KIDS come first, and if he had any decency in him he would realise that.

3. Remember that you are not alone in all of this. It is not an easy situation, not by a long chalk. You should be ready for when he gets better (if that happens) but you should also consider moving on if he won't help himself, it's probably complicated as there will be alot of feelings involved.

personally, i would try and get time on your own - about a week if you can manage it and do some walking on the beach and thinking - for example. Funny how solutions to supposedly difficult situations become easier when we are away from them

2 more things 1: keep smiling for the kids' sake and 2: best of luck.

:-)

Answer 4

By staying in this situation, you are not helping him. By tidying up after him and letting him treat you and the kids this way, you are enabling him to keep doing what he's doing.

If he is abusive, get yourself and the kids away. He may be only verbally abusive right now, but things can escalate pretty quickly. Are you willing to sacrifice your kids' well-being to stay with him?

He needs help. Professional help that you cannot provide. He is not willing to see it, and thus, no one can help him until HE decides he's hit rock bottom.

Threatening to kill himself may be a way for him to bind you to him, because he knows that you love him. Or, he may be serious, but if he's seriously suicidal and doesn't want help, there is nothing you can do for him.

I implore you, get out, get YOURSELF and your kids some therapy, to help you sort out your emotions about all of this, and do not let him near the kids when he's been drinking. Get a restraining order if he gets pushy. It's time to stop thinking about him and start thinking about those kids.

Answer 5

Well, speaking from experience of having a similar problem in the family, I went to a doctor for advice and she told me a few things...
1. you are his wife and not a doctor or a physcologist
2. If he refuses to get help, chances are he doesnt want it and nothing you can do will help him.
3.look after the wellbeing of your children first. This is your and his responsibility, someone has to do it.
4. If he takes his own life that is his decision, maybe leaving him might encourage him to seek help and maybe not, but you have to look after yourself first, because if you dont, you will not be in any shape to help anyone else, him, or your children.
5. Marriage is a contract in which both partners must participate, or it doesnt work. end of story..

Answer 6

well you did marry him for better or worse and in sickness and health, and you got the worse and the sickness but no one for any reason has a right to abuse you and if you child is afraid of his own dad then he needs serious help. i am not sure but i think if you get 2 signatures like yours and his mom's you can have him committed, something you could look into and sometimes those talk shows help maybe wake him up. you know he has to admit he has a problem b/4 he will help himself, so you might just have to show him tuff love by letting him go to jail for abuse or committing him your self. if it doesn't work just leave why ruin your life cause he wants to ruin his and give your kid a better and happier life not a fearful one.

Answer 7

Stop thinking about him and think about YOU and your CHILDREN. Its doing tons of damage to your kids. If he refuses to change then you have no other choice than to move on. The next time he threatens to kill himself just call 911. That way he will be forced to have a mental evaluation and in the mean time….you can get a restraining order if you feel you need one. Get this guy out of your life. You and your children deserve happiness.

Answer 8

I'm sorry to hear about this. If he's not able, or willing to go to get some kind of treatment, then I think you should send him on his way. It's pretty obvious that he's not going to change, so you shouldn't have to put up with all that. I don't want to sound cold hearted, but him threatening to kill himself may just be his way for yelling help, or just being mean. You don't need all that drama in your life. In my opinion, you need to dump him Best of luck to you.

Answer 9

I think you should leave your husband, he's a threat to you and your children's life. You don't want them to grow up thinking that what he does is okay do you?

I know someone who was aggressive towards his girlfriend with a child and it took her years to leave him. He kept threatening to end his life and eventually she found the courage to leave him (he also beat her up a few times). She has never looked back and the bloke? He didn't carry out the threat of ending his life.

I hope this helps a little.

Answer 10

Your husband can find his own way when he's ready.

You need to get help for your own problems - codependency and enabling.

What is going on in your family carries on from generation to generation unless someone breaks the cycle. If you care about your children's future, get help.

Call Alcoholics Anonymous and they can steer you in the right direction.

Get going and good luck.