Any suggestions on bullying?

Question

We recently moved and my 9 yr old daughter is having trouble at school with another girl bullying her. I have talked with her about this and suggested she stand up to this girl but she is afraid to. The bullying is verbal and emotional. She was very popular at her last school and is terrified about starting back to school in the fall.

Answer 1

My advice is to activlely do something about this.

I suffered at school because I am of mixed race. When I was younger I just put up with it. My parents knew about this but for some reason I pleaded with them not to take action (this is quite common or to be in denial). One day I cracked and viciously turned on one of my bullies and caused them physical damadge - I got into serious trouble, after the school had found out what had gone on, my punishment was reduced to a single detention.

My point is that some kids suffer and keep it in and this will have serious psychological effects upon then. Other kids just snap and do something potentially dangerous. Now I'm an adult I see that both reaction are wrong!

You as a parent have the power to confront your daughters teachers, make sure that they know that you want this to be kept confidential, make sure that the teachers know how serious this is - people have commited suicide over this (I know it's a horrible thing to say - but it's the schools responsibiltiy to look after your daughter). If you don't get any joy seriously consider contacting the head of the school and let them know if nothing is done you will take this higher - educational authorities and you can even involve the police.

It's important that you don't tell your daughter about this as the thought that you have contacted her teachers etc will probably effect her self-image even more.

You have the power to solve this, take action before someone else does.

SORRY - I TRIED TO REPLY TO YOUR MESSAGE BUT ANSWERS SAID THAT YOU HADN'T CONFIRMED YOUR ADDRESS? HERE IS MY REPLY:

Hmm... some 'teachers' just want a quiet life, they don't want to be 'inconvenienced' by such trivial matters.

Again, perhaps you might think my approach a little heavy handed; however, I really would 'inconvenience' this 'teacher'. As it sounds, he's doing absolutley nothing about it which is a crime in itself. My suggestion is to go to the principal again and clearly state all of the facts - that nothing has changed since last time and as a Mother you simply won't accept this ongoing problem and if something isn't done to stop your daughter's suffering - you will contact the educational authorities/press/police (some people need a bit of a shove before they do their job), if you aren't satisfied contact the education authorities.

I wish you and your daughter all the best.

Answer 2

Although bullying has been around as long as humans have formed societies (10,000+ years ago), it has become one of the very worst forms of abuse we are seeing.
A lot of other respondents have advised either ignoring the problem or else fighting back. In both cases, this is the wrong approach. Ignoring a bully does not necessarily mean it'll stop - it isn't always about "getting attention", some bullies have what is called conduct disorder (the precursor to antisocial personality disorder). "Ignoring" the problem also teaches your daughter that her feelings are wrong or irrelevant and so don't warrant any action.
Fighting back, especially physically, is also the wrong approach because it can very easily dredge up a whole host of anger your daughter would be feeling. I have read cases of bullies who were actually killed by victims who had had enough and who fought back.
What I found worked for me, when my young son was being bullied, was to meet with the principal, the bully, his (or, in your case 'her') parents and the victim (in this case your daughter). I then made it quite plain that bullying would no longer be tolerated at all ever....period...no room for debate or discussion...I wasn't interested in hearing "the other side". I then made it quite plain that I would check up on the school each and every day and that, one more incident, I would phone the police, have the bully removed from the school and press charges.
That may sound extreme, but that's what I did and it worked. If you take that approach, you will have to be fully prepared to follow through. I hope that helps.
Yes, I hate bullying

Answer 3

I am a teacher and there are a few things that we suggest children do when they are confronted by a bully:
First and foremost, stand up to them. Practice comments beforehand and give your child some ideas of what to say.
They are only being bullied because the bully enjoys scaring others.
Next, the group is important. If a few kids get together and stand up, the bully will not come around.
For the shy and timid, we suggest that she/he never be alone.
Stay out of situations where that bully can torment.
Don't go around places where the bully is, if they see him/her coming........leave, etc. If they can't get to you, then they can't tease and hurt feelings.
Call the parent of the bully. It won't be the first time that they have gotten a call. Make it clear that you will not allow this to happen to your child and that you are willing to take actions if it continues.
Also, tell the school administration the same thing. Maybe you would rather have them contact the parent so that you are not involved. I would even go so far as to say that you were considering having your child go to a private or charter school so that she does not have to deal with the harrassment. That should get some action.

Answer 4

Bullying at school goes on because the adults in the building don't see it happening and the kids are afraid to report it. There is a difference between tattling and telling and kids often don't realize the difference. There is a great website that has interventions for bulling www.interventioncentral.org The teacher and principal need to be notified immediately. take the intervention information to them and tell them it is unacceptable and it needs to stop. There is a push for legislation for all schools to have anti-bullying programs and it has been passed in many states. Dan Olweus, author of Bullying At School has researched Bullying for over 30 years and has a wonderful program that trains the whole staff, parents and students about bullying. Be proactive and tell....and tell your daughter to keep reporting it.

Answer 5

not a nice situation at all.

i think youve handled it great so far and its fantastic that you obviously have your daughters trust and have open lines of communication with her.

however, you can not be at school or with her 24/7. Additionally, if this is a new school she may not feel like she has enough support around her in order to feel strong enough to stand up to these other pupils.

I would talk to her teacher. Just to make sure that an adult in the school knows so it doesnt go any further than the bullying she is experiencing now.

Secondly, i would give your child a boost of confidence. I would encourage her to make new friends at school and be really positive about the new friends she has already made. She needs some peer support around her at school in order to deal with this problem in her own way. She will learn some great lessons about herself if she can sort this out in time in her own way. Of course this may not be feasible...... but what a great lesson to learn at 9. that no one can push you around.

If however it ever gets physical I would speak to the principal immediately.

best of luck.

Answer 6

We just went through this! I feel for you. Mostly the bullying happens on the play ground - kids are smart - especially girls - they aren't going to be nasty in front of teachers. At nine, they are just learning how to work out problems with friends, and they no longer have parents or teachers to intervene. I tried really hard to let her work it out on her own, we talked a lot about the kind of friends she wanted and how she wanted to be treated by those friends. I bought her an American Girl book called "A girls guide to sticky situations" and another called "A girls guide to friendship troubles." She loved them and refers to them a lot. I also talked to the teacher and found out that my daughter wasn't the only target. Eventually I talked to the girls mother - who turned out to be distraught. I wasn't the first parent to contact her and certainly won't be the last. She knew my daughter and really wanted her child to be friends with her - she thought they had a lot in common. She worked with hard with her daughter, talked to her often about what she does and why, talked to the school counselor and the principal. Once or twice we tried getting the girls together. When it was the two of them, the girl was nice, but she'd already ruined it for my child. She really didn't enjoy being around the bully. I felt sorry for the girl and the mother, it looked to me that the kid was really insecure and needed a lot of attention and reassurance - thus, why she was bullying others. Eventually I asked the principal to make sure that they were'nt in class together this year. I also taught my daughter some things that I swore I never would - how to give a dirty look, & how to look a person up and down and make them uncomfortable. I wanted to teach her a few harsh words, but didn't go that far. The last thing was I talked to the teacher about recess, we worked it out that if my girl was having a particularly hard day with the bully, she could ask the teacher to stay inside during recess and help with classroom stuff. This way my child thought she had a friend and a confidant in the teacher (because the teacher would know what was going on when my daughter asked to stay in), but she would'nt feel like she was tattling that the other girl was being mean. We thought that we would have to limit it, but it only ended up happening only a couple of times. So, as it turned out - she felt better just knowing that she could escape the situation if she needed to. We still talk about it often, and unfortunately, I had to explain to her that this bully was just one of the many that she's going to face in her life.

Answer 7

I am not an expert, but I do know repeated exposure to something that causes fear and practicing how to respond to it can reduce the fears.

Let's say a person is afraid of snakes, so one way is to exposure this person to snakes (harmless one of course) gradually. 1st time is to just to be near a snake, the 2ND time is to touch and release the snake quickly and 3rd time grasp the snake and so on. In time the person loses his fear of snakes.

So maybe you can start by simulating the bullying and getting your daugther to learn how to respond to it. If bully says this and this, then know that it is not true and ignore it, If the bully does this and that, then walk away. if the bully keeps chasing you, look for a teacher and so on. Realistic simulation may help. With time and more exposure to the real thing, the fear goes away.

Hope this helps. Do note I am not an expert.

Answer 8

Tell her that she can either get help from the principle, or she can take a stand and tell the bully she is not going to take it anymore. Something I wish I had done when I was being bulled is to single out the toughest bully and just kick there ***, that will put a stop to it, it always does.

Answer 9

Ask her if she wants you to intervene. If she were my child, I wouldn't risk making the situation worse for her unless she asked me to. In that case, I'd be talking to teachers, the principal and the parents of the other girl. You should teach her the "you're stupid" look. That's the look you give people when they say something completely stupid. Tell her to use it whenever this other girl starts in on her. Explain to her that the other girl is probably doing that so that people won't criticize her first, and that all she wants is attention. Tell your daughter not to give that girl the attention she is trying to get.

Answer 10

First, talk to the school to make them aware of the problem.
If possible, try to contact the parents of the other girl and explain your situation.

Tell your daughter that there are some people who are just mean for no reason, and that there are plenty of other kids to be friends with. Give her a big hug and tell her that you love her just the way she is!