When when you have a child can a man go out an work, but when a woman wants to she gets critisized?

Question

I have Juris doctorate, and my husband is international real estate, I just started working in a firm, I have friends that have children and they ask what I am going to do when I have kids, I tell them I am going to be a lawyer, and they ask me why I don't want to stay home with my kids. Why is it only me that is asked that, and why not my husband? Why is it the women who has to stay home? I mean I know it's good for the kids, and all this stuffl, but why me? Why don't they ask my husband to do it, or when he is going to quit his job?

I mean, a parent is a parent, when we have kids, we are going to split it up so that I am working part time and he is working part time, so that the kids have both parents. I just think it is so much better that way.

I grew up with just a stay at home mom, and a dad who worked all of the time, I would have much rather had both parents there. Babies need both mommies and daddies present.

Just don't understand why raising the children falls solely on me.

Answer 1

I hate people like that...I do not want to sit at home all my life with my kids and feel as if I am mooching off of my husband.

I want to be able to go out and work and buy my kids stuff with my own money not go buy them stuff with my husbands money because then I feel like he is the one buying for them for Christmas, Easter and so fourth and not me.

Answer 2

Veronica,

I chose to be a stay at home mother for 4 1/2 years, in total. I have two boys, the youngest is 2. My experience is that no matter what choices you make with parenting there are always going to be people who support you and those who don't. Unfortunately, everyone seems to think their five cents worth is important, and they really press you about it.

My advice is that you do what you know is right for your family. There are a lot of people who will support your decision. I have just returned to work, and am working in a daycare while I am also studying a bachelor in teaching. We have a good set up, and people can really see the benefits my children have. While I am at work in the morning, they are at home with their father. It is good quality time for the three of them, and something not a lot of fathers seem to get the opportunity to do.

I had a lot of critism about going back to work especially while I am studying, but everyone shut up when they realised how good the situation is for us.

Every family is different, and every mother's needs are different. Some people have the capacity to stay at home, and others would go crazy if they did...that is what makes this world so great, we are all different. Don't let others judgements of good parenting decide what you do, and certainly don't take on other people garbage.

Good luck

Answer 3

I understand what you are saying, but I think the reason women are usually the ones who stay home is because they are more nurturing by nature. Dont get me wrong, men can be nurturing too, but I feel I am just naturally better at it then my husband. I have a 13 month old, and I work about 15 hours/wk, so I feel that I get the best of both worlds. I used to think I woulod never want to stay home, but when I had my little girl it all changed. Maybe it's hormones, but something told me that I needed to stay with my little girl. Granted not everyone can afford to do so, but if you can it's so much more rewarding to be with your children. I make more money than my husband, and if I worked more we could buy a bigger house, a nicer car, etc... but I doubt when she leaves this house I'll look back and say I wish I had chose to work more. Also I have such a different bond with my little girl since I've been there so much more. She loves her daddy so much, but I'm the one she wants when she bumps her head. You'll see how you feel when you have a baby. You wouldn't be able to imagine it right now.

Answer 4

I think it is important to raise our own children whether it be the mother or the father. Just days ago in a nearby community an 8 mo old died and a 10 mo old was sent to the hospital in serious condition while in the care of a sitter. and that was only two of many reports of neglect and abuse in childcare facilities. I'm sorry but a little extra money or fulfilling big life plans can take a back seat to raising happy healthy children.

As far as split shifts go it is hard finding a job that understands and while the parent-child relationship is extremly important so is the husband-wife one and split shifts take a lot out of that one.

I am currently putting my accounting career on hold until my youngest reaches kindergarten. You don't have to give up a career but perhaps it is better wait, they don't stay little forever.

Good luck to you and I hope you can make it work.

Answer 5

Me thinks thou dost protest too much. I think you feel guilty about the whole matter. Perhaps its worthwhile to reconsider whether you really want children now or not. Its okay to NOT want children. You don't have to reproduce. You both can work - no second guessing. If you are worried about waiting and being too old, consider adopting.

Another way to look at the whole matter is that you have a CHOICE to work or not. In the traditional man's role it is never even given a second thought, as a man, you WILL work and support your family - so these stereotypes cut both ways.

In this day and age there's nothing (perhaps short of mammary glands) that prevents your husband from being the stay-at-home parent if you both so choose. Interestingly I know a family that did that. Fast forward ten years and the woman resents having to go to work every day while her husband has this great relationship with the kids. In fact watching the two of them interact, she doesn't respect him either. I wonder if they were being honest whether they would do the same thing over again. As much as we don't necessarily want to admit it, maybe there is something to these traditional gender roles.

I think you have a lot more choices than you seem to recognize.
Be honest with yourself and exercise other options if you need to.

Answer 6

I think it's great when kids can have both of their parents around...and I think it's great that you guys want to make it work. Do your friends know that you and your husband plan to share the responsibility? If they don't accept that and still give you a hard time, maybe you need to find new friends. Why are some mothers so self-righteous, anyway? They made their choice, you made yours.

For us, it wouldn't work to both work part-time, since I'm going to be a teacher while my husband is an engineer. Since housing is so expensive here, we will need his whole income. But, I have no doubt that he will be a very present and involved father.

I think more companies need to give dads paternity leave - it's very important for them to be there to support the mother and bond with the child in the first weeks. Sadly, most guys would be completely inept as a stay-at-home dad - but we can change that :) I'm going to teach my boys how to cook, do laundry, and wash dishes!

Answer 7

Traditionally the children have been raised by mothers. It's a bit odd that you're being pressured by people you consider friends before you are even pregnant. There's nothing wrong with sharing the raising. I agree with you 100%. Those friends are narrow-minded. For some reason they feel it's okay to push their opinions onto you. I hope you stand up for yourself and act like they're the crazy ones for even suggesting something so old-fashioned. I know a family very well where the mother is an eye doctor and the husband stays home to raise their children. It works fine, the family is healthy, happy and well-adjusted. Be proud you don't bend to peer pressure. Good luck. :-)

Answer 8

Because some people still live in the age where mommy stays home. In my house we can't afford to have either one of us stay home, we both have to work and even if I COULD stay home I wouldn't. I was going NUTS being at home with a NEWBORN, I can't be a stay at home mom because I need a life too! Just ignore them and tell them to get out of the 18th century that women have moved up in the world. I say kudos to all that CAN stay home and are ABLE to stay home not go nuts! I just need my live with adult time outside of my family. If I was able to be a stay at home mom I would still work part time.

Yes children need their mommy but they need their daddy too. You BOTH made the baby so you BOTH need to take care of the baby! My fiance tried to pull the crap of only me watching the baby at night and it worked while I was on leave but once I got back to work (when my daughter was two weeks) I put my foot down and said I need some d*** sleep too, get up and feed your daughter!

Do what YOU feel is best and if they were REAL friends they wouldn't make you feel bad about not wanting to stay home.

Answer 9

Hmmm...I have the opposite problem, I stay home and ppl think I am lazy, they say you should get a job.
I dont know, You just cant win either way.
I would in your position, go to work, being at stay at home mom is good for the kid sure, but you miss out on independance, and a pension or old age.

Answer 10

Socially speaking, mothers are traditionally the nurturers, but can you believe that it wasn't always that way?
And look at the animal world. There are species that have nurturing fathers.
Sadly, I guess we're the only species that doesn't see where both parents can do just that...