I've got a serious problem and I'm freaking out. Who can tell me something that will make me laugh?

Question

smiling already. thank you.

Answer 1

DICTIONARY OF MEN'S ENGLISH:

1. I am hungry = I am hungry

2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy

3. I am tired = I am tired

4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!

5. I love you = Let's have sex now

6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?

7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you

8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you

9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you

10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you

11. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay

Answer 2

An elderly couple were walking about the streets of their home, Moscow. They each feel drops of moisture on their faces. The man says that it is snowing, but his wife is convinced that it's raining. Finally, they see General Rudolph walking by, and the woman calls him over to settle the dispute. The general says it's definitely rain. The man doesn't believe him. Sighing, his wife tells him, "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."

Answer 3

Here's one.

A police officer pulled a guy over for speeding.

Officer: May I see your drivers license?

Driver: I dont have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

Officer: May I see the owners card for this vehicle?

Driver: Its not my car. I stole it.

Officer: The car is stolen?

Driver: Thats right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owners card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: Theres a gun in the glove box?

Driver: Yes sir. Thats where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

Officer: Theres a BODY in the TRUNK???

Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?

Driver: Sure. Here it is.

It was valid.

Captain: Whos car is this?

Driver: Its mine, officer. Heres the owner card.

The driver owned the car.

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if theres a gun in it?

Driver: Yes, sir, but theres no gun in it.

Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said theres a body in it.

Driver: No problem.

Trunk is opened; no body.

Captain: I dont understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didnt have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.

Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the lying son of a ***** told you I was speeding, too.

Answer 4

Yo momma's so fat when I watch tv and she walks in front of it I miss 3 episodes of my show
Yo momma's so fat her legs are like spoiled milk: white and chunky
Yo momma's so fat when you went to the beach a blue whale wanted her children
Yo momma's so fat a picture of her fell off the wall
Yo momma's so fat after she got off the carousel the horse limped for a week
Yo momma's so fat all of her clothes have to be custom made by a contractor
Yo momma's so fat and dumb she used saturn's ring as a hula hoop
Yo momma's so fat and her back so crooked when she lays down people say I didn't know we had mountains
Yo momma's so fat and old that when God said let there be ight he told her to move her fat *** out of the way
Yo momma's so fat and short and yo daddy so tall and skinny they stand next to each other and make the number 10
Yo momma's so fat and stupid her waist size is larger than her IQ
Yo momma's so fat and stupid that she was fired from Forrest Gump cuz she kept eating the box of chocolates
Yo momma's so fat and you're so poor when she comes in your house the tires pop
Yo momma's so fat as a kid she couldn't play Hidenseek just seek
Yo momma's so fat at the zoo the elephants started throwing her peanuts
Yo momma's so fat by the time she sets her clock its an hour off
Yo momma's so fat that Goodyear come to her to restock on tires
Yo momma's so fat even Bill Gates couldn't pay for her liposuction
Yo momma's so fat even her clothes have stretch marks
Yo momma's so fat even her shadow has stretch marks
Yo momma's so fat even Richard Simmons laughs at her
Yo momma's so fat every time she turn around its her next birthday
Yo momma's so fat every time she wears high heels she strikes oil
Yo momma's so fat Fat Albert gave her the rights to say Hey hey hey
Yo momma's so fat folk exercise by jogging around her
Yo momma's so fat God created her and on the seventh day he rested
Yo momma's so fat her *** has its own congressman
Yo momma's so fat her *** looks like two pigs fighting over a milk dud
Yo momma's so fat her belly button doesnt have lint it has sweaters

Answer 5

What is the difference between girls/woman aged: 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58. 68, and 78 ?

At 8 -- You take her to bed and tell her a story.

At 18 -- You tell her a story and take her to bed.

At 28 -- You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed.

At 38 -- She tells you a story and takes you to bed.

At 48 -- She tells you a story to avoid going to bed.

At 58 -- You stay in bed to avoid her story.

At 68 -- If you take her to bed, that'll be a story!

At 78 -- What story??? What bed??? Who the hell are you???

Answer 6

Questions, answers….all day long!!
We have no life so we play along.

We answer the stupid, we answer the smart,
We answer question after question. How did this all start?

How did we become so addicted? We’re did we go wrong?
Now our houses stay dirty…we stopped mowing the lawn!!

We can’t sleep at night, we can’t concentrate at work
We live to answer questions to people who act like jerks

We stare at our computers till we go nearly blind
But as long as we can give answers…we don’t really mind

Answer 7

An old man took his wife to the Doctor,he said Doc,I don't know whats wrong with my wife she never listens to me and she wanders off.The doctor said "well she either has Alzheimers or Aids"The old man was speechless'he says well how the hell will I know?'The Doctor says simple "drive her to the woods in the middle of nowhere,if she finds her way home,don't ***** her!

Answer 8

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children... "You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mum, Ann: "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turns to the third Mum, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol. This too manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and whispers. "Come on, Dick, we're leaving..."

Answer 9

What did the attention whore say to the other? Nothing, they were too busy talking to themselves loudly about their own problems.

Answer 10

Yo momma so fat her shadow ways 50 pounds