How do I deal with finding out that my daughter is cutting herself?

Question

She's 14 and I'm totally confused. I never expected anything like this could happen. Counseling is an obvious plan of action, but what else can/should I do for her or myself?

Answer 1

Like you said, counseling is an obvious plan of action. I'm really, really glad you can realize that because a lot of parents can't. Find a really good therapist that your daughter can connect with - which can be more easily said then done. When I was younger, I went through four therapists before I found one that I really connected with, and thus one that really helped me. Listen to your daughter and let her be honest with you. She can like a therapist but not connect with him or her. I think its very, very important for your daughter to find someone she can really talk to.

Beyond that, just be there for her, as corny as it sounds. Let her know that you're scared of what she's doing to herself, but you're trying to understand. Tell her you want to know what she's going through and you want to talk with her, but do not force her to talk to you. If she doesn't want to talk, be understanding, and realize that, eventually, she will talk to you.

So, basically? You can't do much.

I know that's so, so hard to hear, but if you try and make your daughter talk to you or confront her and make her talk about what she's doing or how she's feeling, she's going to get defensive and scared and clam up.

I think its really telling that you're posting this question. A lot of parents in this position would never do such a thing. Many of them can't face it, others don't want to and ignore it, and others just put their child in counseling or on medication and try to forget all about it. You want to help you daughter, and that's important. As long as you make sure she knows that, you'll be doing all the helping you can.

Answer 2

I really do not feel counselling is enough. Can you look around a find out who is a really good child psychiatrist in your area and then take her? Consellors vary in skill. There is a place for it, but people really need a skilled psychiatrist and not just a primary care doctor. You should get some counselling for yourself for support and join a support group for parents or family. Conunselling is not because you have a problem, but to help you cope with the feelings you have in this situation and to teach you how to work best with your daughter.

http://www.nami.org has local groups for family and online infromation. There are probably other local groups.

Please take care. Just love your daughter and know you are doing the right thing to get her care. Take care of yourself too.

I am so sorry this is a very hard thing to deal with.

Answer 3

I agree with "Groovy Granny." Nothing beats being able to listen and HEAR what your daughter is saying, while at the same time trying not to reinforce the behavior. A parent is really not a buddy, no matter how you try. Your child wants you to be approachable and yet removed, and above. Someone she litterally looks up to and respects. Eventually she may open up to you. Just be there for her. Never let her doubt you love her, not for an instant. But also insist on certain standards of behavior. She is cutting herself because that pain takes her mind off the pain in her heart and head. She may have doubts concerning her self-worth. Cutting herself could be a means of punishing herself for her perceived failures or shortcomings. Hang in there, and good luck to you.

Answer 4

Accept what has already happened and make your next move accordingly. I've read that cutting in many cases is a way for a kid to relieve stress if they have no other outlet. So be honest with your daughter. Have a good talk, let her know that you want to understand what she's going through. Try to identify the causes of stress (hence the reason for cutting) and then try to figure out what better ways there could be to release stress. Maybe self defense classes, maybe sports, who knows. Good luck.

Answer 5

I can imagine that this would put you in a spin. First off, take care of yourself. If you aren't strong, then your daughter won't be able to turn to you.
Counselling for you both is the most basic thing that needs to be done. Perhaps she needs to spend some time in the psych ward or observation ward as a place to get her the help that she needs on a more intense basis.
Talk with the counsellors at the county health office or a psychologist that you know as a place to start.

Answer 6

It is not only a cry for help , it is a way for her to releve her pain. The cutting causes pain that causes endorphins to be released, giving her a small"rush" every time she does it. I tell you this for you to understand better. She needs to have activites that give her good self esteem. If parents can do stuff with their kids , that the kids want to do , that would help. She really needs to see how uncool it is. Teenagers also typically are going through hormonal changes all the time. Depression is rampant among teens. Check to make sure she is getting all the vitamins she needs now. Soda is so bad for depression. Lots of fun healthy exercize is a must to combat depression. I went through many things as a teen. I wish you the best of luck. You definately should let her know , "She doesn't need to do this anymore" . "Mom is here for you, anytime. " "what can I do for you , to help you with this" Also , want to tell you , I thought that having someone to talk to like a therapist was very helpful. Sometimes , You just can't talk to your parents. She needs to feel like All is good with her life and that she has a good purpose from day to day. Whatever you do, don't freak out! Stay calm,cool and collected. She needs to see that you care, and have a handle on things. Email me , if you want to talk.

Answer 7

Wow, hard to deal with. I've done it many years ago. The reason why she's doing it is because she has a pain inside and by hurting herself, she feels like the pain is going out her body. I've stopped by myself because I just started feeling better.

What you should do is to sit down with her and try to know where the pain is coming from. Don't expect her to just open up. She might tell you to f**k off. Let her know you're there for her whenever she wants to and that you won't judge whatever she'll tell you. Don't force her or she'll definitly turn her back on you.

Try to get her in therapy if she doesn't want to talk to you. If you feel she's going to far, force her to the hospital. Good luck.

Answer 8

Keep in mind, this is an illness. She will need mental help, and you should go to counseling also. You will need to be there for her. This means that you will need to find a place to draw strength from. If you are spiritual, you may want to find help in the church. Better, get help from your local mental health professional. REMEMBER, THEY ARE LIKE ANY OTHER DOCTOR. DO NOT TRUST BLINDLY! Always get a second or third opinion especially if they start talking medicine. Try to find a support group. One for you and one for her. Good luck, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. If this is the start, then it will take a while to get to that light.
Lee

Answer 9

First of all, very calmly. Stay cool & be calm.Try doing something good for both of you. Girls day out . . . just have fun! Try learning how to meditate and maybe something like yoga and swimming to stay relaxed

I have a list that I give out that has helped. Contact me & I'll give you a copy.

Your daughter There are several different flat-out-crisis-in-the-moment strategies typically suggested. My favorite is doing anything that isn't SI and produces intense sensation: squeezing ice, taking a cold bath or hot or cold shower, biting into something strongly flavored (hot peppers, ginger root, unpeeled lemon/lime/grapefruit), rubbing Ben-Gay® or Icy-Hot® or Vap-O-Rub® under your nose, etc. Matching reactions and feelings is extremely useful.

You and your daughter will get through it is long as you can remain calm whatever she says, just stay calm. By all means go to counseling & support groups. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Answer 10

I myself used to from like age 13-15. There was nothing anyone could do for me or say to me that made any difference. My parents put me in couseling, and it did nothing. I don't remember why I stopped. It was stupid to start. But ummm... yeah, tell her all the nasty gross scars she's going to have. And be careful because when I was 14 I overdosed and almost died. 2 weeks were spent in the hospital. How major is her cutting? Are they deep and bad, or to they barely bleed? She may be doing it cause other kids are, or she may want attention. Keep an eye on her.