10 points to the funniest joke!!?

Question

I dont care how long it is i just want a good laugh so i guess....... GO!

Answer 1

Genders

You may not know that many nonliving things have a gender; for
example....

1) Ziploc Bags--They are Male, because they hold everything in,
but you can see right through them.

2) Copiers--They are Female, because once turned off, it takes awhile to
warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right
buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.

3) Tire--Male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated.

4) Hot Air Balloon--Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to
light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part.

5) Sponges--Female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.

6) Web Page--Female, because it's always getting hit on.

7) Subway--Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

8) Hourglass-- Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

9) Hammer--Male, because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000 years,
but it's handy to have around.

10) Remote Control--Female...Ha! You thought it'd be male. But consider
this--it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't
always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying!!!

Answer 2

12 Step Program of Recovery for Web Addicts:


1) I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my newspaper like I used to, before the Web.

2) I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand typing.

3) I will get dressed before noon.

4) I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes, and plan dinner before even thinking of the Web.

5) I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few friends and family that are Web-deprived.

6) I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via the Web.

7) I will read a book...if I still remember how.

8) I will listen to those around me and their needs and stop telling them to turn the TV down so I can hear the music on the Web.

9) I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for email.

10) I will try and get out of the house at least once a week, if it is necessary or not.

11) I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to balance my checkbook because I was too busy on the Web.

12) Last, but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed sometime ... and the Web will always be there tomorrow!

Answer 3

A little old lady went into the Bank of America one day carrying a bag of money. She insists that she must speak with the President of the bank to open a savings account because it's a lot of money.

They finally get her into the presidents office and he asks her how much she would like to deposit. She says she has $165,000 and then dumps it out of the bag onto his desk. The president was surprised and of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asks her. The old lady says, "I make bets."

The president replies, "Bets? What kind of bets?" and she says, "For example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square."

"Ha!" says the president, "That's a stupid bet, you can never win that kind of bet."

The old lady says, "So, would you like to take my bet?"

"Sure," says the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!"

The little old lady says, "OK, but since there is a lot of money involved is it OK with you if I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 AM to witness?"

"Sure," says the president.

That night the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again, thoroughly checking them out until he was sure that there is no way his balls are square and that he will win the bet.

The next morning at 10 AM the little old lady appears with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduces the lawyer to the president and repeats the bet, that $25,000 says the president's balls are square. The president agrees with the bet again and the old lady asks him to drop his pants so they can see. The president does this.

The little old lady looks closely at his balls and then asks if she can feel them.

"Well, OK" says the president, $25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure."

Then he notices that the lawyer is quietly banging his head against the wall and he asks the old lady, "What is wrong with your lawyer?"

She replies, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that by 10 AM today I'd have The Bank of America's president's balls in my hands!"

Answer 4

There were three people stranded on an island, a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde. The brunette looked over the water to the mainland and estimated about 20 miles to shore. So she announced, "I'm going to try to swim to shore." So she swam out five miles, and got really tired. She swam out ten miles from the island, and she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.
The second one, the redhead, said to herself, "I wonder if she made it." I guess it's better to try to get to the mainland than stay here and starve." So she attempts to swim out. The redhead had a lot more endurance than the brunette, as she swam out 10 miles before she even got tired. After 15 miles, she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.
So the blonde thought to herself, "I wonder if they made it! I think I'd better try to make it, too." So she swam out 5 miles, ten miles, 15 miles, NINETEEN miles from the island. The shore was just in sight, but she said, "I'm too tired to go on!" So she swam back.

Q: Why did the blonde have to drink a hot pepsi?
A: Because she couldn't fit any ice into the bottle.

Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. They tried and tried to get the door open, but they couldn't. The girl with the coat hanger stopped for a moment to catch her breath, and her friend said anxiously, "Hurry up! It's starting to rain and the top is down."

The blonde thought the capital of California was "C".

There was a burnette sitting in the middle of the road singing 53 53 53 53. A blond comes out to where the burnette was and said, what are you doing? The burnette motioned her to sit down. The blonde did and started to sing with the burnette, 53 53 53 53. The burnette got up when the blonde was to caught up in singing and moved to the side of the road. A semi came speeding down the highway and the blonde was ran over. The burnette came back out, moved the dead blonde into the ditch. She sat down, and started to sing, 54 54 54 54.

How to keep a dumb blonde occupied:
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One day a blonde was walking down the street. When a police officer stoped her and said miss did you realize that your blouse is open and your cleavage is hanging out. She replied oh my god I left the baby on the bus.

Answer 5

There was a grandpa and a grandma rocking in a chair one evening and it was a beautiful and quiet evening....then all of a sudden the grandma turned around and slapped the grandpa upside the head. The startled grandpa turned to her and screamed, ' what you do that for!?!' Grandma answered, ' that's for being a lousy lover all these years!' Then grandpa sat back and then turned and punched grandma out of the rocker and over the porch and into the yard...then grandma screamed, 'what you do that for...!?!' Grandpa answered, 'that's for knowing the difference after these years!'

oohh you had to be there, poor grandma gave us hell trying to get her up....lol jk!!

Answer 6

There is this 96 yr old sister and this 94 and this 92 yr old sister, The 96 yr old sister was going take a bath and she yelled down to the 94 yr old sister and said she could not remember if she was getting in the tub or out of the tub, the 94 yr old sister was on her way up the stairs and stopped and asked yelled to the 92 yr old sister and said she could not remember if she was going up or going down, she said she would help her out , then she thought to herself that she sure hoped she would not turn out like them and then she said Knock on wood and knocked on her head and then she yelled up to her sister to hold on that she had to answer the door!! ...
LOL
I thought it was cute!!!

Answer 7

Check out my profile and what i asked cause theres 2 jokes there...just go see um. I also wanted to say that I think Ozone deserves the points..that joke was HALIRIOUS!

Answer 8

Legless parot
there waz this guy he thought his wife waz cheatin on him so he decided to go bye a parot so he went to the pet store and asked if he had any parots and he said ya only one but he dont have any legs so he said he wud take it.......... he brought it home and tod it to tell him everything that goes on in his bedroom and the bird said ok so the next day when the guy came home for work he said did u see anything the bird said no.............. so he came back from work the next day and asked the parot if he seen any thing the bird said ya the guy said wat did u see he said i seen your wife come in here with another guy and start takin off there clothes he said then wat he said i dont know i got a hard on and fell off my stick

Answer 9

My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me. It was her beautiful younger sister.



My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra less. One day "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldnýt overcome.



She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.



Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me." I was stunned and freezing shock as I watched her go up the stairs.



When she reached the top she pulled off her undies and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door.



I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.



Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!



With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me and said, we are very happy that you have passed our little test, we couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."



And the moral of this story is:





Always keep your condoms in your car.

Answer 10

How do you make friends with a squirrel?

Climb up a tree and act like a nut.


nut= crazy person