What is the best religious Joke you know?

Question

Please be respectful. Everyone one should be able to laugh at oneself but if the joke is written in the spirit of hatred it will be obvious. Ok here's one I remember.

There was a Catholic priest, Protestant minsiter, and a Jewish Rabbi all discussing how much of the tithe they keep for the church & how much they give to God.

The Catholic goes first saying, "Well I draw a circle and throw the money up in the air and what falls inside the circle I keep, and what falls outside I give to God. Then the protestant says, "Well I also draw a circle and what falls outside the circle I keep, and what falls inside I give to God". Last the Rabbi proclaims, "I just throw the money up in the air, and whatever God wants, he can take."

Stewie_Griff..., I bet the atheists just howl at this one. Though I believe in a higher power this joke made me laugh out loud the most. Well all need to be able to laugh even if it goes against our metaphysical ideas. Good job.

AAP0305, Oh, don't be a sourpuss. Jesus would want you to be able to laugh. "Rejoice with those who Rejoice" Romans 12:15

wytchgypsy, mildly funny but defintely more than a few grains of truth to that one.

frodo, irreverent as hell but I laughed so hard I clapped my hands. Not that I think crucifixion is funny, but it is just the context for the joke, not an actual endorsement of the practice. Laughter can be very healing. I wonder if Jesus would be able to laugh at this joke by now. I have faith.

Answer 1

The CEO of a hardware company calls in his top ad man and tells him, "We need a new TV spot for our B&Q Nails line."

A week later, the ad man comes back with a videotape and pops it into the VCR in the CEO's office. The commercial starts and the CEO sees Jesus being nailed to the cross while a voice over says, "B&Q nails: they get the job done." The CEO is irritated and says, "That is completely unacceptable! We are NOT using that!"

A week passes, and the ad man returns with another tape. The new tape shows Jesus hanging on the cross in the background, and in the foreground a centurion turns to the camera and says, "B&Q nails: they hold anything!" The CEO is furious and yells, "JESUS IS NOT GETTING NAILED TO THE CROSS WITH B&Q NAILS, PERIOD!"

Another week goes by, and the ad man comes back with a third tape. This time Jesus sprints down the street with a group of centurions in pursuit. As he passes the camera one of the centurions turns and says, "We should have used B&Q nails!"

Answer 2

Guy dies and goes to Heaven. He's getting the introductory tour by an angel who says, "See that hill over there, that's where the Protestants are and that valley over there is where the Muslims are, and that olive grove over there is where the Jews are." The guy looks behind him and sees a wall that reaches to the sky and extends forever in both directions. He asks the angel, Whats on the other side of the wall?" The angel answers, " You must not go over the wall, it is not allowed". " Why", he asks. The angel answers, "Because that is where the Catholics are and they think they are the only ones here."

Answer 3

Everyone might not be a Jay Leno fan, but I think this quote pretty much
> > hits the nail on the head.
> >
> > The quote of the month is by Jay Leno:
> >
> > With hurricanes, tornadoes, fires out of control, mud slides, flooding, Tsunamis
> > severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from one end to another, and
> > with the threat of bird flu and terrorist attacks, "Are we sure this is a
> > good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?"

Answer 4

A few minutes before the services began, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.

Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from the evil incarnate. Soon everyone exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

So Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?" The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.

"Nope, sure ain't." said the man.

"Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?" asked Satan.

"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.

"Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, physical AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan.

"Yep," was the calm reply.

"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.

"Nope."

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years.

Answer 5

A bunch of scientists realized that they've come so far in science that they didn't need God anymore. So one day, the scientists decided to tell God about their decision. One scientist said, "God, we've come a long way in the world of science, and we don't need you anymore. So, farewell, it's been nice."

And God says, "Alright, I understand that. But for old time's sake, let's have one last showdown."

The scientist said, "Alright, God. What would you like to challenge us with?"

God answered, "Let's each of us make a man, the same way I did in the beginning."

"Alright," said the Scientist, and he bent down and scooped up some soil from the ground.

"No, no," said God "use your own dirt."

Answer 6

A priest, a rabbi and a pagan priestess were out in a boat on the water. Nature calls, the priestess excuses herself, steps out of the boat, and walks on the water to the shore... the priest is amazed, but says nothing. Later, the rabbi excuses himself, gets out of the boat, and walks on the water to the shore. The priest is flabbergasted. "I can't let these heathens outdo me! " he says to himself. He excuses himself, steps out if the boat, and promptly falls into the water.
The rabbi asks the priestess, "Should we have told him about the rocks?"
The pagan priestess replies, "What rocks?"

Answer 7

A woman is walking in a rough part of town. As she is walking she start mumbling Acts, 2:38 over and over. Little did she know as she was walking people were whispering, "Stay away from her. She has an axe and two 38's."

Answer 8

I was reading in a church program and it appeared to have a few misprints on it:
1.) Mrs. Penny will now sing put me in my little bed accompanied by the pastor.
2.) Potluck Supper Wednesday night, prayer and medication to follow.

Answer 9

A Jewish gentleman shares a problem with his good friend from the old country “I’m so upset! I sent my son to Jerusalem and he comes back a Christian! Vhat should I do?!”

The friend replies “So vhat else is new! I sent my son to Jerusalem and he comes back a Christian too! I’m so upset!”

The first man says “I know vhat ve should do, let’s go ask the Rabbi!”

“Ahh, good idea” says the second man.

So the two men go to their Rabbi and they both tell him “I’m so upset! I sent my son to Jerusalem and he comes back a Christian! Vhat should I do?!”

The Rabbi replies “So vhat else is new! I sent my son to Jerusalem and he came back a Christian too!” The 3 men moan that their sons have gone astray. Then the Rabbi says “I know vhat ve should do, lets ask God!”

So the 3 men pray “Oh, God! Vhat are ve to do??? Ve sent our sons to Jerusalem and they came back Christians!

“SO VHAT ELSE IS NEW!...

Answer 10

Poptarts

Ephesians 6:6: Obey them not only to win their favor when their eye is on you, but like slaves of Christ, doing the will of God from your heart.. -NIV

It is a glorious spring morning and the kids are watching the toaster with impatience in thier eyes. As soon as the toaster pops, the two begin to argue as to who will have the first one. Mom saw this as a teaching moment for her children.

“Kids, if Jesus were sitting at this table, He would say, ‘Let another have the first poptart, I can wait.”

Dylan turned to his younger sister, Ann-marie, and said, ‘Ann-marie, you be Jesus this time, Okay!”

It is easy to be Christ-like when things are going your way or when you are getting served but how easy is it to be like Jesus when we want what others have or when things are not going your way. Are we like children who insist that others should treat us a certain way but refuse to change ourselves? Lets determine right now that we will be the one who gets to “be Jesus this time”. Let the world see Jesus in you first then maybe they will start asking who this Jesus is.