My boyfriend and I have been "on and off" for 5 years now, remaining close friends at all times. I truly love him. He has 3 children from a previous marriage (all girls). When we last got back together, we discussed having a child. (that was a major reason for us breaking up, he said he didn't want anymore kids, and I of course want one of my own someday) He said that he DID want to try for a boy, and if he got another girl... so be it, but only one more child. I was satisfied with that, but about a month ago, he said he's been thinking about it, and he doesn't want anymore children, period. I basically was asked to choose between having a child of my own or him. I'm only 24, I have no idea if I will want children in the future, but shouldn't I at least have the option? We have planned to get married next summer. Am I setting myself up for a disaster? Should I just walk out now? I'm clueless.....
2006-07-25 14:23:46 · 29 answers · asked by chrystallec 4 in Family & Relationships ➔ Weddings
I find it interesting that you wrote quite a bit of detail about what is going on in your on again - off again relationship. You mentioned that you "truly love him...," but you did not mention even once; if he loves you...this is quite telling, even if you did not intend it to be. If he loves you enough to marry you, and make that kind of a committment to you, he should be taking your thoughts and wishes and future into consideration. If you have broken up over the discussion over having a child together, and you are not even married...do I even need to finish the statement....do you think that having a piece of paper and a ring on your finger is going to change his mind? Working to convince someone that you both want a baby is too much work. He wants to try for a boy...how old is this man?....he sounds like he is 12 years old with a statement like that. Does he know that the father of the child actually chooses the sex of the child with his genetic make-up? Having a baby and raising a child is wonderful, but it does involve a lot of work as well, do not forget that. What will happen to you if you marry him, have a baby and then he decides that he didn't really want another baby after all and decides to leave. Then you will end up divorced and alone to raise a child by yourself, for the most part. If you were in your late 30's, and this man was the love of your life...and how can you know that if he is the only one you've been dating since you were 19...if he was the love of your life... this may be a different story. You are far too young to be making a decision about if you are ready to have a baby...you did say someday...I can almost feel the wistfulness in that someday. I am sorry to be so blunt, but I truly think; from the tone of your question that you are already living the disaster... You are not really clueless, you already know in your heart that this is not going to work. He may be someone who is a better friend, than he would be a husband and father. It is better that you find out now. Best of luck to you and listen to your heart. Have a good night!
2006-07-25 15:03:24 · answer #1 · answered by Sue F 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋
You shouldn't give up your dreams for him. I'm not big on walking out of serious relationships, I think people nowadays give up the minute the going gets rough. But my advise to you? Find someone who doesn't have 3 kids and start your own family. I think it would be perfectly understandable if he had one, maybe even two, but three, and he's not going to want another. And even if he does give in and let you have one of your own, he won't be fully committed as a dad because he's not passionate about it, he just did it to make you happy. This just isn't a good situation, sorry if that sounds a little bleak.
2006-07-25 21:31:04 · answer #2 · answered by chickpea 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Um, if you want children, and he doesn't, this is a SERIOUS red flag and does not bode well for your relationship in the future. You're only 24, but as you get older, that feeling of wanting a child of your own will not fade at all, it will get stronger and stronger, and if your husband doesn't want one, it will become a wedge in your relationship. There's no right or wrong answer to this, it's what's right for each of you. I'm not going to tell you to leave him, that's for you to decide, but you really need to think long and hard about how you'd feel about never having a child of your own. Best of luck to you in whatever you decide.
2006-07-26 01:45:10 · answer #3 · answered by basketcase88 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
it sounds like you really like him and since you've been with him for 5 yrs already maybe just talk to him some more cause i don't really know what all you've said to him but maybe if you try to explain to him the fact that you really would like to have a child of your own and that you don't want to give up on the relationship but if he doesn't understand y you want a kid or is really set on not having another child then you don't really think you guys can work things out cause you'd really like to have a child and if he really loves you and wants you to stay he'll try and compromise with you or something along those lines, if he still won't give in then maybe it's time to move on, your only 24 so you'll be able to find someone else who wants to have a child with you
2006-07-25 21:32:45 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
It is every woman's choice to have children. Maybe it's not so much he doesn't want children. Maybe he is more scared of another failed marriage and more children going through a bitter divorce battle? Maybe his reasoning stems deeper than not wanting children. If you are not 100% you are not going to want kid and he is 100% sure he doesn't want them...then I wouldn't marry him if I was you.
Maybe you should discuss if it's he does NOT want children, or isn't sure if he wants them or not.
Children are gods blessings, and if you want kids, and god blesses you with them it should be a happy time, not a OH MY GOD what will he say!
If he TRULY 100% does not want kids...then you would think he'd do something to make sure that he doesn't help create them.
2006-07-26 00:30:09 · answer #5 · answered by David S 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Leave him. You will one day want a child and if you trick him into the baby there will be problems and if you agree to give up on your having your own little bundle of joy, you will never forgive him, you will have regrets. So go your separate ways and don't look back. Find yourself someone younger who hasn't fathered children with anyone yet (they are out there I know they are). Get involved in activities you enjoy and move on.
2006-07-25 21:40:42 · answer #6 · answered by mom of girls 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I am a mother of three. I have no doubt that God put me on this earth to be a mom. If this is the man for you, then he would understand your desire and your need to have children. If he is so insensitive and unmovable on this issue, what other issues will there be? This is a huge decision. Just based on what you've said, it sounds like he is not the one for you. He is only concerned with himself. Your soulmate is out there. Not only is he your sole mate, he is also the man that will be the father of your children. Good luck.
2006-07-25 21:29:05 · answer #7 · answered by Mom of 3 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Yes, you're setting yourself up for disaster, but the great thing is that you see that BEFORE marrying him. He most likely won't change his mind, and you can't change it for him. If you want kids in the future (or even if you're not sure), you need to move on and find someone with the same life goals as you. Good luck!
2006-07-25 22:24:01 · answer #8 · answered by bluez 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Ok..it sounds like you confused one min you want children then the next you don't know..figure it out before you get married..It sounds to me he doesn't want kids with you at all. So Instead of waiting for him ( even tho u " love " him ) just leave him. you should have the rightto have kids one day if you wan and he'll never change his mind. Just say i'm too young to get married and wanna wait until someone wants to have kids with me.
If you need to chat you can always contact me . But if its been off and on with ur bf ..just wait for someone who loves you and wants kids with you.
2006-07-25 21:35:15 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
well you realy need to think this out because his kids can fill your want for a wile but if you want kids now you will more than likely want them latter too.you have that right and you should have the chance to have your own children someday too.try telling him how you feel about haveing children of your own then see what he has to say.you will know what to do then you will feel it in your heart.good luck
2006-07-26 01:14:28 · answer #10 · answered by spekkers2002 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋