How can I stop caring about what my mother thinks?

Question

I generally don't care about what other's think about me, but it bugs me when my mother says things to me.

My mother treats me like crap and praises my brothers. She has always made me feel like I had to win her approval as a child and I guess she expects me to obey her even though I am 23 now.

I moved out at 18 to get away from her, I got married at 21 even though she thought I should marry at 28, and my husband and I decided to start trying for a baby despite her efforts to discourage us.

I cut her off for 6 months because I was sick of her controlling behavior and making me feel like crap.

I recently started seeing her again and she is making her comments about me: I will be a bad mom in my 20's, my husband will get sick of my "bossy" behavior and leave me, I am a "miss know it all" *****, etc.

I know I shouldn't care what she thinks, but I lay in bed at night thinking about all the crap she says.

How do I stop caring what she thinks about me?

I sent her a 5 page letter and she said I was a "horrible person" for implying she was a bad mother!

I went to a therapist after cutting my mother off, he is helping me grieve but its a long road!

Answer 1

It isn't an easy thing because no matter how awful your mom is to you, the truth is that you love her and you really want her love in return. The key to your situation is to stay focused on your own feelings about your life. If you feel good about your life then what she says will have little affect. You also need to call her out when she says stuff like that. If she says your husband is going to leave you don't fight with her but make her go into detail about why she believes that and then counter with why what she feels isn't true. In truth a lot of her feelings about your life may be her own insecurities based upon how her life went.

Answer 2

By realizing that the things she is saying about you are not about you at all, they are about her issues probably the ones she has with herself. This is what I call the 'don't let other people make their sh*t yours theory'. Once I figured that out everything was so much easier. Thats why she doesn't have these problems with the boys, they can't be 'her'. Consider the source, this woman has issues and she is trying to control her issues by controlling you, it won't work of course and she will never be happy with you or anything you do because she isn't happy with herself and the things she has done. Its not possible to win with her, but you can realize what is behind it and that takes away all the power it has over you. You are a grown up now, tell her you will not tolerate being treated this way and if she insists on continuing in this behavior you will simply eliminate her from your life, AGAIN. If she isn't adding anything to it that is worth having there is no point in having her around. I have a certain family member like this too and life is sooooo much easier now that I no longer concern myself with trying to please that person, nothing was ever good enough so I decided that all that was important was that I am good enough for me and he'll just have to take his issues somewhere else!

Answer 3

Wow does that story sound familiar. I remember sitting in the living room holding my 2 months old feeding him and her yelling at me how I'm a bad mom. So much of your story sounds almost exactly how my mom treated me. I haven't spoken to my mom in a year and a half and I haven't been happier, and neither has my son who is now 11 years old. I'm getting married in October and she will NOT be a part of it, even just a little. I have had a few sessions where I didn't speak to my mom and I can only think of one why I went back, because I had no choice. And now I honestly hope, and this sounds horrible, that i never have to deal with her again.

One of the last time I saw her she handed me, my dad and MY SON, her grandson, a bill for house work. That's was the end. I left once I saved enough money and haven't looked back. Sometimes it's the only choice you have.

Have you had a baby yet???? Good Luck with that!!!!

Answer 4

Poor thing! It must be hard. I think you need to sit down and talk to her. Let her know how she makes you feel. I would hope she is just looking out for your best interest. If so, maybe she would agree to stop judging you, maybe go seek counseling with you. You need to go to a safe place with her, even if its a restaurant or coffee shop and ask her to just listen. Maybe you can write her a letter if you can't bring yourself to talk to her in person. Let her know that you will not tolerate her name calling and judgments in front of your children and if she is not willing to stop, you will be forced to "cut her off again." Some relationships are toxic and unless she is willing to change, this might be your only option.

As far as caring what she thinks, she's your mother! She has probably been drilling rules and behaviors into you since birth. You are always going to care about what she thinks.

I really hate to say that, because my own mother died when I was only 11. There are so many things in my life where I wonder what she would say, or what advice she would give me.

Even knowing this, you do not want her poisoning your children's minds with her negativity. You need to deal with it asap.

Good luck, I hope this helps.

Answer 5

This is a tough one, you should try talking to her and tell her how you feel, if you cant do that, write her a letter or send her an e-mail. Tell her how her actions make you feel.

If this doesnt work, all you can do is go on as you have been and accept the fact that it may bother you but that you are going to live your life in a manner that is right for you. The more you practice being good to youself and reminding your self of all your positive traits, the less it will bother you. A strong support network works too.

Perhaps talk to a therapist if none of those things work,

Answer 6

Cut off your relationship with her. So what she is your mother? Is she treating you like her daughter? Love and respect is a two way street. You'll see that you can never have from her the love and acceptance that you crave and deserve. She will not change. And you'll be who you were always meant to be. Some might say, "how can you break off from your own blood?" Who wants to? But it is very, very painful to be in it. To be without it is also the same. But you'll feel much healthier and feel better for yourself when you are able to show to her and yourself that you can get out of all this emotional mess. Dont leave in pain. You deserve to be happy. Yes, you do under any circumstances. Find friendships with people, even if it's only one person and maybe you'll be able to bond a good friendship with someone who understands, a friend you can lean on. It is very important for women and men to have friendships with people of the same sex simply because, they will be the people who will lent time when we need them. Good luck and take care.

Answer 7

Every morning, tell yourself at least five times:

"My mother is human. The fact that she is my mother does not exempt her from the fact that she is human. Because she is human, she will be flawed. Probably very flawed. She will hurt me, she will confuse controlling me with loving me, and she will let me down. She will not be what I thought a mother would be or should be. I resent her for disappointing me, as a child and even now.

"But I am human too. The fact that I am her daughter does not exempt me from the fact that I am human. Because I am human, I will be flawed. Probably very flawed. I will do things that hurt her as well. I will not be what she thought a daughter would be or should be. She resents me for disappointing her, as a child and even now.

"So I let my mother go. I give up on the mother I wanted, because she isn't something I will have. I bury the mother I should have had. And I release the mother that I do have from my expectations. and hopes. I will always care what she thinks, but I will remember that she is just another flawed human being, and isn't any closer to being my fantasy mother than any other person on the planet.

"Mother, I give up on you. I accept that you didn't turn out how I thought you would. And I hope that one day you will be able to do the same for me."

Answer 8

Your problem is that you keep trying to not think about what she says. Try this, do not think about the color blue... Is it working? Point is, you need an effective way to process the information that your mother presents you with [no matter how nasty she does it]. When she says something own what you can [not out loud] and throw the rest away [which sounds like it will be a majority of the time]. If you feel the urge, stand up to her and tell her it is not right to berate or belittle you. An easy way to stop her in her tracks is to just ask her if she can say something nice about you and your husband [separate comments]. Stop seeing her if needs be.

Answer 9

You don't stop caring what she thinks of you. Had the same problem with my dad but not quite so severe perhaps. It's a dad-gummed bugger of a problem. FINALLY, long after I should have, I just decided he wasn't going to get my goat anymore. When he made his stupid remarks, I just ignored them and went on. There was a lot to ignore. I didn't avoid him (didn't go out of my way much to see him either). I got out of him as much as I could and let the rest go to h---.
Dr. Phil talks about sometimes, somebody's got to be a hero, and step up and do what needs to be done. I think my dad was just wired wrong and it sounds as though your mother is too.
Can't tell you what a relief it was to finally get the monkey off my back. Later on, my sister did the same, but my two brothers never did. Give ignoring the crap a try.

Answer 10

Ouch, I've been there. You have to realize that your mother is just a person, like you. She probably thinks that because you're her daughter that you are entitled to her opinion. If you take a less serious approach to conversations with your mother you'll start letting her mean words roll off of your back. She wants the best for you, but she isn't you. If you're happy, it doesn't matter what she says.