Do I let my mother in law move into my home even though we dont get along??

Question

My mother in law and myself do not get along at all, but a few weeks ago she was hit by a car and fractured her skull, my husband wants her to move in with us because we have a 4 bedroom house (Its just the two of us) We live about 2 hours away from her and she has 1 other son who lives in her home town. She need someone to watch her 24 hrs a day. My husband and I work all day and my sister in law does not work at all. The whole family thinks she should move in with us because we have room, in reality no one in the family can get along with her because she ruins all our family get togethers. I already had to kick her out of my home at Thanksgiving. She was trying to talk bad about my father in law (they have been divorced for 20 years) and I told her I didnt want to listen and she wouldnt stop so I walked into my room and locked the door. She then proceeded to kick and punch my door telling me I needed to hear the truth about her ex husband. Am I wrong for not wanting her in my h

I forgot, doctors are saying at least a 24 month recovery time frame.

Answer 1

Wow! This is a tough one. First of all, are you willing and capable of taking on the responisbility of caring for her during her recovery? I understand that you will not be the primary caregiver during work hours, but this will be another full-time job when you get home. I think the honorable thing to do is to put your differences aside and do what is best for the mother of your husband. ON THE OTHER HAND... it is not ethically right to place your family in a position that you know will cause division and turmoil in your home. If her presence is going to cause friction between you and your husband, then it's not the right decision. If you have children, then will they be exposed to a tense and stressful home environment? If the answer to that question is yes and yes, then the answer to your mother-in-law MUST be no. If you are not personally caring for her in your home, then I suggest that you place your differences aside and rally around her and help to find her the place where she can get the care that she needs during recovery. Whether she causes tension in your family or not, she is entitled to love and support. That doesn't mean that it has to be in your 4th bedroom though. Your marriage and any children that you have must ALWAYS come first. But in no way do I suggest that you are off the hook for doing whatever part you can do to assist. If your sister-in-law ends up caring for her, I suggest that you make a schedule where you ocassionally provide respite for your sister to get out and away from the stress in her home. Your husband can be a 3rd person so that the responsibility rotates. Maybe even look into private medical respite care to fill in the gaps. I hope it all works out!

Answer 2

If you both work and she needs someone to be with her 24 hours a day, who is going to watch her while you two are working? Just because you have the room, doesn't mean your location is accomodating for her to be there. Won't the doctors be 2 hours away too?
I think there are alot more questions to discuss than just the past. If the family doesn't want her to live with any member, then maybe the family might need to get together and hire someone to watch her at her home, until she's able to do so herself. No, you're not wrong for feeling the way you do, but sometimes in life there are things you're going to have to do,,,,just because it's the right thing. You and your husband (along with the family) need to discuss this situation openly, and come up with a solution that will make everyone at ease with the decision. No one person in the family should feel it's their responsibility if there is more than one sibling involved.
You two choose what you can do, or want to do.

Answer 3

it's not wrong but you should allow her to stay. Only for the time it takes to recover. The moment she's well enough to be a nag she's well enough to be home. Be firm with everyone not just her or your husband. Let it be known that if this is the best plan it had better go off without a hitch or your taking a day off to move "mother" into a home. Put your hand out to help and a smile to be as kind as possible. Be on your best so if this doesn't work no one can say it was you that didn't try everything you could. Don't get runover because Moms sick. His commitment is to you. Likewise yours to him. So, give it your all let him know your worries and be open without being hostile and mom might be around for a short less awkward stay.
Good luck

Answer 4

Wow, that is a tough one! It sounds like you are really between a rock and a hard place.

I would actually write up a contract stating what is and isn't acceptable behavior from your mother-in-law while she is in your home. I would also add a firm date that she will leave. I would also put in there that should she violate the rules, there will be no discussion, she will leave. I would make 3 copies and have your husband, your mother-in-law, and yourself sign them. If anyone refuses, then she does not stay at your house. Each one gets a copy and then hide yours in a place where no one will find it.

This way you are being compassionate and appeasing your husband. You are also letting her know that those are the rules and in order for her to stay there she must abide by them or leave. If there is any bitching by anyone should it not work out, you can pull out your contract and say those were the rules, she agreed and that's that.

It sounds harsh, but sometimes you have to cover your butt while still being nice and keeping the peace.

I wish you the very best of luck in a difficult situation.

Answer 5

To do the right thing I guess would be to let her move in. But as you stated you and your husband both work. On the other hand I would not let her move in. That would drive me crazy and she just might receive another fracture in her skull!! If your sister in law is home everyday she should move there. If no one in the family can stand her, what about a nursing home or rehabilitation center or hire someone to stay with her. If you let her move in you may be headed for divorce court.

Answer 6

It is perfectly normal and understandable for you to not want her around. You need to have a family meeting with all the other siblings and decide what is most practical for her situation. The fact that you have more room doesn't mean it is the most practical solution. If she needs someone to help her 24 hours a day, she needs to be in a house with someone who will be available 24 hours a day. If you cannot provide that, the other family memebers need to understand. The bottom line is, at this point, feelings need to be put aside and everyone needs to think about what is best for your mother in law. If that means being at your house (which I don't think is the best solution) then you need to put your feelings aside for now. But set limits. Tell your family that she is out of the house as soon as she is better.
Either way, all of the siblings need to sit down and decide what is best for your mother in law, and not what is best for each individual.

Answer 7

No, of course you are not wrong for not wanting her there. Has she suffered any brain damage in the accident? I don't mean to sound crass, but I'm wondering if she has retained her original personality? Regardless, if you are not willing or able to care for her in the manner you think her children want, then you are under no obligation to do so. Maybe they can all pitch in and hire her a nurse or take turns caring for her. Regardless of what people say, care-giving usually falls on the female in a household, so it seems odd they would expect you to take that task especially given the history of problems between you two. Again, though, you aren't do her any favors by gritting your teeth the whole time she's in your house. Call a family meeting with all the offspring and their spouses and figure something out that is equally appealing to all of you.

Answer 8

Don't do it. You will be living in total hell. The rest of the family might disagree with you , but you should stand your ground. There are alot of really nice"assisted living" places in the US. Just because you have the room doesn't mean you have to have someone who may cause problems move in. Talk it over first with your husband, then with other family members, but at an assisted living facility, she will probly find people her own age to associate with, and they have activities for people her age. I took in several family members during my lifetime and I was"abandoned" by my family about 4 years ago...it was the best thing for me, though I still have some problems with getting part of my life in order, I'm "at peace" because I don't have to deal with the lies and fighting that use to go on in my family. You have a right not to be put in a situation you don't "ask " for.

Answer 9

I would tell you no. Not only can her moving in make you miserable, but it can have devastating affects on your marriage. She can come between you and your husband. Also, what sense does it make for her to move in with you if neither you nor your husband are going to be home to help her? That has got to be one of the stupidest ideas I have ever heard!! Let her stay with your brother-and-sister-in-law. She will have a constant companion. Maybe if she realizes that no one wants her to stay with them, she will see how horrible she makes everyone feel. Where is your husband when she ruins your family get togethers? Does he not see how she acts toward everyone? I know that I would move out if my m.i.l ever has to come live with me and my husband. Talk to your husband and tell him why you don't want her staying with you guys. Good luck!!

Answer 10

It seems clear that your mind is already made up. Stand up for yourself and don't let anyone bully or guilt you into it. She won't be happy and you'll be miserable.

If she really needs 24 hour care, maybe she needs to be in a nursing center or rehab hospital until she can take care of herself.

Good luck. Be prepared that everyone in your family, maybe even your husband, is going to think you're an evil bit*h but you have to put your foot down