My 18 year old Son is throwing his life away.?

Question

My Son joined the National Guard last year when he was 17.He had a part time job,was doing well in school,and wanted to serve his country.I was proud to sign for him,and he completed basic training with a sharpshooter medal and an expert grenade medal.Since then he told me he was a soldier and a man and didn't need me anymore.He moved in with my biological mother who I recently got to know after 40 years.She completely indulged him against my wishes and she gave him no rules,no structure and no guidance.He's since quit his job,barely graduated highschool,cut himself off from his entire family,is dodging the Army so he doesn't have to go back,and hangs out with a bunch of losers who do nothing but drink and smoke dope.I ended my relationship with the biological mother and my Son refuses to talk to me.Does anyone have any suggestions?I hate to see him ruin his life.

Answer 1

You can only do so much. After that, you have to let the little bird fly. He'll make mistakes. Try to be there to give him at least moral support when he needs it. The universe is unfolding as it should, so have faith.

Answer 2

Unfortunately, there is nothing you can do. He legally can be an idiot. A lot of kids 18 to 21 are idiots. Nobody is ever really grown up until about 25 because the frontal lobe or reasoning part of the brain isn't fully developed until a person is about 25. Unfortunately, the worst thing a person can do is be a co-dependent 'rescuer' and enabler in a situation like this. He doen't want anyone's help and there is nothing you can do. My mom went through some interesting things with my brother and 'help' didn't do any good. It was best when he was 'moved out' and could learn from his own mistakes and not blame others for the consequences. Unfortunately, I know it is a terrible loss and I know you have to go through a grieving process. It is saddening when a person you love blows all your reasons to be proud of them and the loss is huge, but there has to be a time when you have to consciously decide that this person's problems are not your problems and cut your losses. I do not know the full situation or how many chances he has had to straighten his life out and how much help he's had, but only you know in your deepest of your being what is right for you. You will be in my prayers.

Answer 3

An intervention with a professional drug counselor, or maybe enroll him in one of those outback type experiences. The rough conditions are supposed to instill life lessons, and responsibility. Some of those camps do work, but carefully read the literature for the camp, and visit the facility first. Alot of bad press had been made about some of these camps, so it would be imperative to thoroughly check out the facility, the staff, and talk to kids that have been to that outback event, before making a decision.

Answer 4

As painful as it is for you to see him make the choices he has made, I think you must accept that these are his decisions. Yes, he has made some dangerous choices, ones that will have a significant impact on his life and most likely his future. However, you must pray that in time he will learn from these mistakes and that he will come back to you. You must tell him that he can't come back into your life unless he's prepared to change. You should not enable his behavior and you may be forced to make some very tough choices, ones that may affect his freedom. But this may ultimately be the best thing for him. I hope all turns out well. I can't imagine the pain you feel. I hope you have someone to turn to in your grief.

Answer 5

As much as I hate to say it, he is an adult now. Legally he has the right to make his own decisions. All you can do is basically lecture him. Tell him that he's making wrong decisions, and that you're only getting involved because you love him very much. Try to remind him of all he had going for him in the service. Be proud of what he could be, and maybe he'll go back to that. But if he doesn't want to, you can't make him. He has to make his own mistakes.

Answer 6

Yes, it really hard when your child has so much
potential and it seems like he is throwing his life
away. Don't be so hard on yourself. Just leave
him alone for awhile. He needs to sort this out
for himself. All those values and love and kindness
you gave to him will coming shining through. He
is just on a growing spree right now and feels he
knows it all. He won't ruin his life once he settles
down again he'll get back on track. Leave that
door open so he can reach out to you when
he is ready.

Answer 7

He is an adult. You are done raising him. You should not have cut off ties with your mother because even if you hate your mother you could still be close to your son. Your mom put you up for adoption so it's obvious she doesn't know how to raise a kid or doubts her ability to do so. She is trying to spoil him so he stays with her because she wants to make up for her lost time with you. I think she is awful! Your son could change and go back to being a good person, but now he'll have to realize it on his own.

Answer 8

Of course he is, he is 18!
He is the all knowing king of the world.
So was I at 18. By 24 I had 4 years in the military and had given up drinking.
Don't count him out yet.

Answer 9

Turn him in to the National Guard, or Army, whichever he joined. If he is wanted by them for going AWOL, they will take care of him, and straighten him out. He is 18, an adult, and not your baby anymore. He needs to face the music and learn that there are consequences to his choices in life. Sometimes they ar good, sometimes they are bad.

Answer 10

You can't force him to listen. I suggest you write down all your concerns in a letter to him, hand it to him, tell him you love him and will always be there for him, and then walk away and let him decide what to do next. make sure you stress in your letter that you have his best interests at heart as always. He may just have to hit bottom before coming back up. Say a prayer that he will be open. Good Luck