Please help...possible conflict with future in-laws!!?

Question

Two weeks after my fiance and I were engaged his older brother popped the question to his girlfriend. My fmil told me that she never was happy that we were engaged, and that she now had a wedding to look forward too. She origianlly told me she would help fund the "traditional" groom's family expenses...but now has agreed and paid over 6,000 bucks to attend a cruise where the older brother is getting married. She told me the other day that she just can't afford to go on the cruise and help us with our "traditional" wedding so we are on our own. I'm a bit hurt by this, especially since she has never been supportive during our entire 6 year relationship. There are other times in the past when she has told my finace to get rid of me, and she has not supported him in his schooling (when he chose to go to law school she asked why he felt he had to out-do everyone, and that he would fail). She is always putting her sons against each other and I'm going crazy!! Any advice?

I don't want some people to get the wrong idea, it's not that we can't pay for the wedding ourselves with a little more scrimping and saving, it's just the idea that we aren't worth it to her. That is what bothers me...not so much the money, but the meaning.

Answer 1

I know where your coming from with the whole mil thing. My mil was a huge pain too. She didnt try and turn my husband and his brother against eachother, because she hardly sees her kids at all, but she does call him and see him more then she sees my husband. she didnt really like me at the start and asked him if he was sure he wanted to get married to me and she would tell me lies about him almost as if to make me not want to marry him. she didnt pay for anything. neither did my fil, but she didnt even give us a gift. i couldnt care less though because its just more of a reason to distance ourselves from her. and if you pay for everything yourself you dont have to do anything her way at all. just do everything to make yourselves happy and if she complains about it then oh well, shes not paying for it. i know it probably hurts you to hear her say this stuff, but be the bigger person and let it roll off your back around her. talk to your fiance too and have him talk to her. have him let her know if she doesnt stop putting you down then you guys wont come around anymore. good luck

Answer 2

I think I am engaged to your fiances brother (not really) but my fmil sounds exactly like yours, she constantly belittles my fiance and talks about me behind my back. When his parents retired my fiances parents left the house that they grew up in to the kids and moved upstate. My fiance is the oldest he is 35 his brother is the middle one and his sister is the baby she is 30. Both boys have moved out at one time or another so the house somehow became all little sisters, my self and my fiance have been living in the house and we are moving out- my fmil is really mad because now we won't be paying little sisters bills for her (she hasn't worked in over 2 years). Anyway I tell this story because when we got engaged his mother pretended to adore me she was very excited she planned a bridal shower she has bought all sorts of things for the bridal shower as well as a few small things for the wedding such as the ring bearers pillow and the card box for the reception. Now that we have told her we are moving she has informed him she will not be throwing me a shower and she doesn't know if she can even come to our wedding. My advice or how I am dealing with her at this point is letting him deal with her I have my own mother who is excited and very supportive (if not able to help financially much) let him deal with his difficult family. Either they will get over it or they don't.

Answer 3

First of all, I sincerely sympathize for you. I'm very sorry to hear of your current situation. It seems to me that you're future mother-in-law is somewhat immature and quite self-centered, prideful. It also looks as if she might have some resentment for you, because of her baby's pre-occupation with you for the past 6 years. Have you ever sought to confront her about all these things? I believe that will be the best remedy. There is no reason for her to be so inconsiderate and rude. Is there a future father-in-law? If so, where does he fit in the picture? Have you considered talking to the older brother and his fiance'? Maybe they can help talk some sense or at least some type of normalcy into her. Just have a sit down with her. Let her know your true feelings. Remind her of her offer to pay for the wedding. But if it comes down to it, simply ask your family if they don't mind helping out with the wedding. Believe me though, you can have a gorgeous traditional wedding on a small budget! I'm proof of that:)! I also know about psycho, idiotic in-laws. Prove to her that you don't need her approval and you can get things done without her constant criticism. Get married, start your family and be happy. Just be prayerful. Best wishes to you.

Answer 4

Hi...
I am aware what a wedding is for your girls, specially that I was facing trouble for our wedding last year. My advise is pure simple. There are two possibilities;
- Ask you family help to fund the wedding
- Just get married. You were mentioning six years relationship right? then I don't think have the traditional wedding or a low budget "cute" wedding" will make the difference. The important thing is that you love eachother.

Some in-laws are really nuts, and it's quite normal to have one of them. However, you in-law has all the right to attend her other son's wedding. I am totally with you that she had to keep her word on funding for your traditional wedding, but if she is acting like a trouble make, to the hell with her and live your life. The most important part is that you love your "husband to be" :) and you are relaxed with him and trust him.
I will never advise you not to got with the wedding and not to marry the guy, because a six year relationship is totally IRREPLACEABLE. Good luck dear, and remember that sometimes we have to do sacrifices.
God Bless.

Answer 5

My advice to you is that you need to plan the wedding and pay for it yourself just to prove to her that you don't need her money and don't want it. She doesn't have to accept you. Onlu your fiancee does. Don't worry about what she thinks but I would let it be known that she didn't pay anything and why she didn't. Knock her down into reality and make it known to everybody what kind of a person she is. Make sure they all know that she was willing to help in the begining and then backed out. Then once you are married don't go around her and when she asks why then tell her how you feel.

Answer 6

Stop worrying about what she thinks and feels. Do what you want with your life, because she is obviously never going to change. Maybe if you can move away or even better elope and use the money you were to use on the wedding for a grand honeymoon that keeps you away during the other wedding, since obviously she's not giong to want you there. Eventually she'll learn her lesson.

Answer 7

Take my advice, you have to start out your marriage being completely honest and open....
what does your fiance say about this?
be upfront, tell the fmil that you wish she would be more involved in this wedding, make sure she realizes that you're really going through with this wedding, and that soon you'll be her daughter-in-law. you don't want to start out a marriage with hostility from your mother-in-law or TO your mother-in-law. You need to sit down with her and talk, make sure she realizes you love her son, and you're NOT going anywhere... you're going to be family.

Answer 8

I am going through the same thing and I know how hard it is especially with the bond men have with there mothers!! the soon to be brother in law thing is so close to the same it is scary ! I have not found a way to fix it yet I just try to deal and ignore !! Sorry no help just support !! And believe me unless someone has lived it they are going to be no help !! If you find a good answer that works please let me know !! [e-mail]

Answer 9

this is only the beginning. You are going to have to learn to grin and bear it to get through. So you have a "new" budget for your wedding. Go with it. Don't dwell on comparing what she provides for you two vs. what she does for the other brother, that will just drive you crazy. And be prepared, she is probably going to continue this path with your kids & your nieces & nephews. They may get more gifts, attention, etc. b/c she likes the older son better. There is probably nothing you can do about this. You're going to have to just learn to ignore her issues.

Answer 10

Move as far away as possible. Get away from that stupid fmil. That is ridiculous and you shouldnt have to deal with that. Make your future husband grow some Cajunas and Say something to his mom. If he continues to let her de grade you all the time, then I can see why there are problems. Good luck.