My sons mother lets him sleep in her her bed&then plays him against me because I'm married and cant allow him

Question

My son's mother and I live in seperate places she has a more relaxed attitude on bedtime and allows him to sleep in her bed every night that he's at her house. I am engaged and feel that at 21/2 he should be sleeping in his own bed. And he does sleep in his own bed here. it just takes him a day or two to adjust to the new routine at my house. this was ok by me until recently he started not wanting to come to my house because she was far less strict. And of course going to bed with mommy is far better that going to his own bed. I don't know what to do she doesn't see how this is a problem. It went so far as this morning after I got off work I was supposed to pick him up and she called and told me"Jed said ""I don't wanna go to daddies he's mean"""" Should I just give in and let the kid infiltrate my intimate life? if it means he doesn't want to see me is there an alternative?

Answer 1

It's wrong for his mother to be playing him against you in this scenario. But you shouldn't worry a lot about that part of it really... As your son grows up, he will learn to see and make judgements for himself. As long as you're a caring father to your son, and can continue to relate well with him, at his level, you'll be just fine. Oh, and you can even take some comfort in knowing she lets him sleep with her as well, because as he grows older, and his mother decides it's no longer appropriate... She's going to be the one that is going to have difficult times breaking him of that habit! You've already set the precedent in your house, and I commend you for doing so. Good luck!

Answer 2

If its important to you and your wife that your son not share your bed then don't give in. But also don't let the mother not let you see your son simply because "he doesn't want to". I have a two and a half year old and I have to make him do things that he doesn't want to do too like put his shoe on and go to the doctors office. I do this because I'm the parent and he's 2.

On the flip side your son is probably looking to be more imitate with you. He gets that with his mom when they sleep in her bed. Maybe you could compromise. See if your son would like to snuggle with you in your bed in the morning, or lay in his bed for a while and read or play in a calming manner before he goes to sleep. Be creative and even ask your son's mother if she can come up with some ideas.

As for your 2 and a half year old son sleeping with his mother it is a bit unusual but I wouldn't say unhealthy, yet. Ask her why she is letting him sleep in her bed. If its because he's lonely fine, but if its because she's lonely NO. Then ask what she is going to do when he's 5, 10 , 16, 22? Talk about it in that way and find a way to resolve this together.

Answer 3

I dont think its the mother's place to play the son against the father. You have differnt rules at differnt houses, and she should be explaining that to him. It would be easier to have the same rules, for a kid so young, but the two of you have differnt lifestyles and that is difficult.

Tell him that Daddy isnt trying to be mean, and you still love him, but you already have someone sleeping in your bed. He has a big boy bed at Daddy's house because he is so grown up. Maybe eventually he will want to sleep in his own room at Mom's too.

If all else fails, give him his own bed NEXT to yours. That way you are right there, but you have some space. Eventually, you can move his bed away and into his own room.

Answer 4

Well, you are right. He shouldn't be sleeping in your bed. First, you have to let your son know that there are different rules at mommy's house and daddy's house. Talk to him about it. When he says to you, "Mommy lets me do it!" You tell him that this isn't mommy's house and that he can't do the same thing. My oldest son has the same problem with me and his dad. I am remarried, and his dad is a lot more lax than I am. And that is what I tell him when he comes back.
And, second, your ex shouldnt just let him stay at home just b/c the little one says he doesn't want to go. That's not fair. He doesn't make those decisions, you and his mom do. Once he goes over to yourhouse, I'm sure he'll forget all about not wanting to go. And make sure you take him out and spend time with him and have fun, so he's not saying that you are mean. When your son is there with you, dedicate your time to him, and sometimes with your fiance' too. Whenever your ex tries to pull that, "don't pick him up he doesn't want to go" on you, just tell her, if you don't hand him over I'll bring the police with me. She will hand him over then. (You have a court order, right?)

Answer 5

You need to have a talk with the ex wife. My step son's mother did the same thing. He would come home and would want to sleep with dad because mom lets him at her house.

When your ex wife tells you again that your son doesn't want to come over because he says your mean...tell her you will be picking him up. Don't hold conversation about it. It is what it is. If she isn't going to help and continue to be the enabler, you have to break the habit at your house yourself.

Watch a movie together and hold him...give him the cuddly affection before bed. He will stop. It took us about 2 months and my husbands ex wife finally stopped letting their son sleep with her, too.

We would explain that we miss him when he is not home with us. But, little boys grow up and don't sleep with mommy and daddy. They sleep in a big boy bed in their big boy room.

All kids are different. You may have to go through a trial and error ordeal. If you could get the ex on the same page, it makes it MUCH easier on the child. Explain to her it isn't you and your new fiance it is disturbing, it is your child. Tell her she needs to stop. Tell her you understand it's her baby......but it really isn't helping anyone. It is creating an unhealthy dependency for the child and
is a temporary fix of who knows what for mom.

She needs to stop.

Answer 6

Children should not be sleeping in their parent's bed. You need to have your bed free of children so that marital relations can take place. There should be no guilt on your side.

Answer 7

Are you going to allow a child to dictate the rules in your home? Are you going to allow a child to control your life? If you have been awarded joint custody or visitation it is your right to see your child if he doesn't like your rules that is just too bad. He is going to have to start learning that he doesn't always get his way.

Answer 8

Depending on your culture and your son's age. Sleeping w/ his mom is ok. But, if she states things negative about you then you may need to speak to her. (Your question is hard to understand. Can you edit?)

Answer 9

you said your sons mother , isn't that you ? and aren't you the 1 letting him sleep in your bed while ur married?

Answer 10

she shouldn't have him sleeping with her. especially if he is young. there was this one case where this lady kept wondering why her kids kept dying. it was because she slept with them and when she come home drunk and get in the bed, she would roll over on them and suffocate them without knowing. she thought it was SIDs. But she was the reason....

scary huh?