What's wedding invitation ettiquette?

Question

I recently got married (July 8, 2006) and everything went great, except for one small thing. Before the wedding and before invitations were sent out, we were told by a couple who we had planned to invite that they were not going to be able to make it to the wedding. We understood their situation and didn't send them an invitation, well now they're furious with my husband and me for not sending them one. We were so pressed for extra space and we were running out of invitations since the guest list reached over 250. Was it wrong to not send them one even though they made it clear they would not be attending because they would be out of town?

Answer 1

I wouldn't worry about it, they said they couldn't come, you needed the invite and now they're being petty. If they're your friends I would consider losing their number, because you don't need toxic people like that in your life.

Answer 2

Since they told you in advance that they wouldn't be coming, I don't think it's unreasonable that you didn't send an invitation. After we sent out save-the-dates, a couple people sent us notes saying they would be unable to make it, so we didn't send them invitiations.
Have you sent out announcements? If not, you may want to think about it. We're having a very small, intimate wedding, so there were many people we couldn't invite. We ordered announcements in a similar pattern to our invites, and after the wedding we will send them to people we couldn't invite.
We didn't send everyone invitations because many people feel if they got an invitation, they are obligated to send a gift. Also, everyone who gets an invitation is, in fact, invited to come. At our small 40 person wedding, if we invited 20 or 30 people that we figured wouldn't be coming, and therefore it didn't matter, what would we do when 60 or 70 people arrived? You can't exactly turn away an invited guest.
If receiving an invitation was such an important point to them, perhaps they should have waited to get an invitation, and then declined afterwards. If I tell a host in advance that I won't be able to attend a function, I certainly don't expect that they should send me an invitation.
Perhaps call them and talk to them.
Try not to let it upset you. I don't think you did anything rude or out-of-order.

Answer 3

That's a sticky situation. If you had the spare invitation to send, then you should have sent it. By not doing so, you made them feel as though they were not invited at all even though you had intended on inviting them and found out they were unable to attend. It would have been polite to send one anyway if able as perhaps they wanted to keep it as a reminder. I, too, have guests on the list that will not be able to come and knew so before sending invitations, but sent them to those guests anyway to let them know they were thought of and somehow included in our special day. They have thanked us for doing so as they are keeping the invitations for a special reminder.

Answer 4

Unfortunately hindsight is 20/20 apparently they think that they are important enough people in your life that they should have recieved an invite reguardless, there are certain people that I have on my guest list that I will be sending invites to even though I know that they will not be attending my wedding simply because I am not willing to start a family fued over not inviting them.
It was a hard decision for me also because I don't want to look like I am just looking for a wedding gift.

Answer 5

You invite people even if they are not expected to attend. It's the proper way to include family and friends on a special date, even if they are far away and/or unable to attend.

Not sending them an invitation was rude of your part as you didn't follow proper etiquette. You were not handing out meal tickets, you were letting know people that you cared about to share your special day, so you obvioulsy missed the point of extending invitations.

Your friends are right to be upset with you as they feel insulted by not being invited to the wedding. I urge you for you and your spouse to pay them a visit or to send a letter saying how much they are appretiated and how it has been just a misunderstanding. Do you have any blank invitations? If so, hand her hers, and express how much she means to you.

Good luck

Answer 6

You did the right thing! If you send someone a wedding invite when they have clearly stated they won't be able to make it is in poor taste. That would suggest you were looking for a present. That they are "furious" now is silly. Perhaps they wanted it as a keepsake...but should have just said so. In any case, you were right in not sending it to them. Congratulations!!

Answer 7

Although you are not wrong, you probably should have at least called them/emailed them that you were not going to send them an invitation. You never know how touchy people can get when they feel they are not welcomed. I sent invitations to my relatives in Japan even though I knew they were not going to come just as a courtesy.

Answer 8

I sent invites to a number of people that said they wouldn't be able to make it. It's important to let them know that they are still welcome in case something changes. If their friendship isn't worth the cost of one invite, then perhaps some reevaluation of priorities is necessary.

I don't know that they should be "furious", but they have every right to be irritated.

Answer 9

You did the right thing. Simply explain to them your reasoning, apologize if you feel you need to for any miscommunication. If they are real friends they will back off and understand, if they hold this grudge then perhaps you and your husband should look elsewhere for company. Good luck! :)

Answer 10

I do not think so because they were not attending anyway. Besides, invitations are expensive!!!