How can I get my 3 yo daughter to clean up? We give time-outs, take away stuff, spank, nothing works...?

Question

She does anything in her power not to have to do anything and it makes me crazy. I need a new strategy. We've tried making it a game, we've tried punishments, rewards, and splitting up the job into pieces. In the end, if it involves her stopping what she wants to do, she won't have it. She's easily the stubbornest person I've ever met. She'd rather toys get thrown away than pick them up. She's out middle child and for the most part well behaved. Help?

Answer 1

I would say....every time she doesnt help clean up her toys, you go and clean them all up and put everything that she was playing with in a bag and put it away where she cant get to it...eventually she wont have any toys left and she wont have anything to play with (or clean up)....at this point, you can give her ONE thing back at a time and tell her that she has to clean it up or you are putting it away again!! If she doesnt cooperate, dont let her have ANY of her toys for 2-3 days after she starts asking...eventually she will understand that if she doesnt take good care of her things, she wont get to have nice things anymore!!! Good Luck!!

Answer 2

Some of these people are crazy thinking that a 3 year old can't pick up her toys because she's too young! Of course she can!

Punishments and rewards are not a logical consequence to this behavior. That's why it's not working. I have a few ideas that may work. First of all, try rotating her toys. Get 4 or 5 big boxes and put a bunch of toys in them and hide them from her. Leave out about 10 toys. If you can, get a shelf where she can put these toys. Every toy can have a place. When she is finished using a toy, she returns it to the shelf before she chooses something else. I am a preschool teacher and this is what we do in our classroom. The children know that this is the limit and respect it. If she refuses to put something away, offer her a choice. "Do you want to do that by yourself or do you want some help?" If she still refuses, put the toy high where she can see but not reach it (logical consequence). Say "When you're ready to play with it and put it away you can have it back." Don't give in right away. Give it a few hours or a day or so. She will learn it's much easier to put toys away.

It sounds to me like she's trying to find ways to feel powerful. Help her to feel powerful by saying things like "You did that by yourself! Look how high you can climb! You used so many colors on your picture." These are intrinsic rather than extrinsic ("Good job," stickers, candy) motivators. These phrases will help her to gain confidence and feel powerful. Good luck!

Answer 3

It's a power struggle. She likes having the power she has discovered. She discovered it because your technique with her, as here presented, is faulty. Note that it involves punishment. Note that it does not involve rewards: she is not given good things when she picks up and she is not given the taking away of bad things when she picks up.

Do x, get a bad thing = punishment
Do x, get a good thing = positive reinforcement
Do x, get a bad thing gone = negative reinforcement

Get a promise to get a good thing if x is done = bribery, payment.

It is the order and manner in which the reinforcements are dealt out that are important. Not only should bribery be avoided, but the reinforcements, positive or negative, should follow UNprompted preformance of the desired behavior.

Take the power away by taking the punishment away. At this point, she doesn't pick up, well, she doesn't. Don't play the power game.

Any time she happens to be a bit neat, she should get praised for that, "Good that you didn't leave a big mess, only a little mess, that's nice."

See if you can mix and match the positive and negative reinforcements, and go easy on the punishment route. Good luck.

Answer 4

Keep trying, don't give up, and whatever you do, don't let her win, or you will teach her that temper tantrums or resistance will eventually get her what she wants. She is testing you. You have to stop her from what she is doing and make her help you. Whatever she is doing at that time, end it. If it's TV, turn it off, if she's playing with a toy, take it away. If she out and out refuses, start packing up the toys and act like you're throwing them away. If you don't want to throw them away, hide them somewhere, like the attic. If she's got a favorite toy, go for that one first. Let her know she can resume what she was doing (or have her toy back) after she helps clean up. Always follow through with your remedy, don't make empty threats of punishment and not follow through, she'll know your bluffing. And of course, reward good behavior when it occurs. Good luck, and don't give up. It's not going to happen overnight.

Answer 5

The experts may disagree with me, but I have three grown kids who all grew up to be responsible (and my mother's approach was the same as mine, and I am a "neat freak"): I think you shouldn't expect your little, tiny girl to clean up. The most you should hope for is that when YOU clean up you may be able to engage her in helping with the simplest of tasks. When the adult does the clean up he/she shows the example to a child that when you grow up clean-up is part of your responsibility. At the same time, while you're doing YOUR job of clean-up you could say, "Hey. You know how you could be helpful? Just pick up all the stuffed animals you see and put them in the box." If she doesn't feel like being "helpful" this time around some other time (after she's gotten away from the negative thing you've set by making demands that are too much for a three-year old) she may start to see that the responsibility is yours and nothing more is expected of her but to help as best she can. If you start now with something like "just pick up all the animals" (simple) then, as she gets each year or two older you could request more complex tasks. Small children love to be with their parents. They love to do things with them. Small children, however, are not emotionally developed to the point where they can take on responsibilities equal to those of adults. Also, if you're doing the heartbreaking thing of throwing her toys out because she is unable to take on the job of clean-up you are going to lose her wish to please you. Have you ever had a time when you're overwhelmed with work and someone just offers to come along and take the load off your shoulders? You know how good that makes you feel about that person? At the same time, have you ever had anyone break or throw away your stuff when - as far as you could see - you were doing nothing wrong? How did that make you feel (or would it make you feel) about such a person? It is your job to clean up after your children (among other responsibilities), and if you are not able to handle it then you need to get help from another adult. While experts might disagree with my approach, I know one thing they would agree with, and that is that a three-year-old can only take on so much responsibility (and that would be close to none). Set the example for her that adults take on responsibilities and do what it takes to take burdens off their children - and she will grow up to do the same. You said she's "well behaved". Be appreciative of that and don't zero in on the clean-up thing (that's too much for her to deal with anyway because little ones get tired after playing) and act as if she's a bad little girl and then punish her for not doing the thing you apparently don't want to do either!

Answer 6

My kids have tons and tons of toys! They had this problem too. What I did was to select some of their toys to keep out where they can get to them. The rest I put up. Every so often I switch them out. If they leave toys out I remind them once to pick it up. If they don't pick it up, I put it up in a basket. Now if they want the toy I put in the basket they have to earn it back. For my eight year old it might be something like helping to sit the table. Whatever is appropriate for the age. Also be consistant. You can't let them just get away with it once or twice because they will never learn.

Answer 7

She's three. I wouldn't expect her to do it all on her own. She'll need help and guidance to accomplish anything.

Give her "transition time" instead of asking her to stop what she's doing and switch gears right away. "In 5 minutes we'll need to pick up toys....3....2....1...OK...time to pick up!"

Try using a buzzer. Set the timer on the stove or an egg timer or the stopwatch on your cel phone or something. Let her work to beat the timer.

Don't let her get out too many toys at a time. If they get out too much stuff at once, it's overwhelming when they are asked to put it all away.

Put the TOYS in time out and then have her earn them back somehow.

Answer 8

I'm a stickler, but if she'd rather have the toys thrown away than pick them up... then do it! She won't have anything to play with and that may make her realize the value of her toys. If she has an abundance of toys she probably doesn't play with them (or need them) so she doesn't appreciate what she has.

Answer 9

You have to make it fun for her hello she is 3. You are how old and dont like doing it. Make it a game to where she earns something like candy or more tv time. My son loves to pick up his mess b/c he knows he gets a scoop of icecream afterwards once a week for doing it. He even does it now without asking and he is 4 1/2.

Answer 10

well, she's 3. dont expect too much, as her attention span is, well, maybe 3 minutes. anyway, try making up a "clean up song", or saying "lets see who can pick up the most toys the fastest" all in all, she may just be too smart to fall for these common tactics,so, dont get into a power struggle w/ your 3 yr old. choose your battles- and please, stop spanking; it only creates angry people.