Im 21 and a soon to be step mom to a great 4 yr old boy. He;s always so great for us. But at his mommys it s different, he gets what he wants there by throwing a little fit. I know that is bad for him. Now he has figured out that it hurts us to say 'i want my mommy and paul (her bf)' and when hes with just me and something goes wrong, he'll say "i want my daddy" I feel somewhat responsible for this because he sees how upset it makes me. Is there anyway I can undo that? All I want is for him to love me, but he doesnt want to be with us as much because we arent able to give him everything he wants. He got hysterical on the phone w/ his mom last night (because his dad wouldnt turn the tv on) and she, of course, drove an hour away to get him. Which I didnt agree with,. And now he has even said to them that daddy is mean. This all hurts so bad. Can someone give me advice on any of this or advice on how to be a good stepmother? Should i just give him everything he wants so he will love me?
2006-07-25 05:25:36 · 15 answers · asked by Heather T 2 in Pregnancy & Parenting ➔ Toddler & Preschooler
as a child of divorced parentals, i'll tell you what my step father did--don't give in. make sure you and your soon-to-be don't give in to the kid. my father and step father didn't, but my brother went the easy way and moved in with my father. i know that doesn't sound all-too-appitising, but you need to do what's right, no matter what it feels like now. you'll kick yourself if he's a messed up adult because he got what he wanted when he was younger--such is turning out to be the fate for my younger brother, sadly enough.
there's nothing you can do about a spoiled child. you can't spoil him more than his mommy, but you can be a better parent. if it ever feels like it's too much, step back and talk to your soon-to-be about it. the two of you are going to lean on eachother, or fall out.
however, there *is* light at the end of the tunnle. it's a phase--i promise. a lot of kids i know have gone through it, and after he get bored of his mommy and paul, he'll want structure and rules--even if he doesn't know it. without government there'd be chaos, which is why we submit to a higher power. he will soon, and he'll thank you when he grows out of it.
seriously, good luck with all of this. it's always strange for kids when parents get divorced / remarried, and i'm sure he's having issues with all of this himself. once he gets used to the idea, like i said, he'll grow out of it.
2006-07-25 05:34:42 · answer #1 · answered by amaranth628! 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
The kind of behaviour you're describing is probably what conforms to *your* stereotype of what it means to be gay. None of this means he is gay - only the target gender of his sexual attraction will be an indicator of his orientation. Until that becomes apparent, all bets are off. In any case, he's 12 years old, for crying out loud. If he's gay or not doesn't really matter and no one should be labelling him at 12. Let him come to his own conclusions - it's his life and if he wants to act the way he is behaving then surely that should be his right. He doesn't sound like he's hurting anyone - apart from perhaps you because you would rather he acted differently. Well how about a newsflash - kids are people who develop into whomever they do. Parents can't choose their kids any more than kids can choose their parents. Instead of worrying about whether he is gay and using terms like "sissy lala little boy" you could try being a decent human being or even a 1% decent parent and give the lad some support and love.
2016-03-27 06:22:27 · answer #2 · answered by ? 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
First, mom and dad should really sit down and solve this. Discuss that they are aware that he is playing them against each other to get his way, and NO ONE should give in. Each parent or step-parent or boyfriend can say, I am sure you would like to see your (parent) , but you are staying with me right now. Why don't we go play with your cars? Or, you know that you will not get (whatever he is demanding) by talking that way, so let's think of something else to do right now. Until those two will get together and be grown up about it, you will continue to have this problem. Try your best not to react; he is using those words to get his way, not to deliberately hurt you. Just say, I understand, but you can't right now so let's go read a book. If he throws a fit, he need a time out or other discipline, preferably by the parent. But, if the step-parent is the only adult at home, don't delay the discipline.
2006-07-25 05:34:26 · answer #3 · answered by jboatright57 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
No! You'll only be creating an extremely spoiled child if you give in. You are doing the responsible thing by trying to make him behave. What you have to keep in mind is that he KNOWS that saying stuff like that bothers you and then he'll probably get what he wants. He's too young to realize he doesn't really mean it - he just wants what he wants. You CAN'T take it personally - it's just something kids do. Stand your ground and do the best you can when he's at your house. You can't control what his biological mother does, but you CAN set down rules in your own house. Pretty soon he'll be old enough to respect that. Stand firm! You can't buy someone's love!
2006-07-25 05:34:29 · answer #4 · answered by They call me ... Trixie. 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Giving a 4yr old his way is not the answer. when he says things like 'i want my daddy' or 'i want my mommy and paul'.....remember who the adult is in the situation. A 4yr old is very aware of how to push buttons. When he throws temper tantrums like that then it's time for a time-out. Or better yet, maybe all of his parents; you and your fiance and mom and bf, need to sit and talk about this and get it resolved. The longer you let it go on the harder it will be to undo the damage when he's older
2006-07-25 05:44:32 · answer #5 · answered by NyteWing 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You just have to realize that this a very scary time for him. Whatever he does/says is most likely said out of fear, anger, and hurt over the current situation. You and his parents will have to be supportive, understanding, and loving. This is not to say he should get away with murder, but a little leeway is good. Also his mother cannot continue to make you two look like the bad guys here. Some rules need to be set down between the two sets of parents.
2006-07-25 05:32:36 · answer #6 · answered by Flower Girl 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
NO NO NO DON'T give him everything he wants. Raise him the same way you would any other kid, but tell him the truth (when he is old enough to understand) about the situation with his parents.
It's a situation a lot of divorced parents put their kids through. (I've been through it) It is wrong, and should not happen, but it does. Talk to your soon-to-be husband about how to handle it in your house. Be consistent, and work together!!!! You can't do anything about what she does over there, but the kid will learn to behave in the manner that is expected of him in each separate household.
Good Luck!!
2006-07-25 05:32:56 · answer #7 · answered by emgee 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
The answer is NOT to give him everything he wants, quite the opposite, when he is acting like that you should definitely not give in to him because it will reinforce that behavior.
When he says he wants to be with his mom and is throwing a fit try saying something like "I'm sad, because I really love you and want to be with you" but don't give in to him if he's throwing a tantrum. Also do NOT bribe him by saying you will give in if he quits, you have to be firm but loving and he should fairly quickly learn that playing the tantrum and hurtful "card" won't work.
Good Luck! And congratulations on your upcoming wedding!
2006-07-25 05:37:03 · answer #8 · answered by neerdowel 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
No matter what, don't ever say or make like his mother is not anything less than angelic....and you indeed will be a good step mother.
Wether you agree with what the bio mother does or not; believe she has a right to do it her way....and don't interfere with it....to do otherwise sets up a conflict you cannot, and will not ever win.
Just enjoy, relax and let life happen. You don't have to be like her, or better than her...you just have to be you and allow her to be her...warts and all.
2006-07-25 05:31:49 · answer #9 · answered by rachel_waves 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
i have a 15 year old step daughter and i have been with her dad for 11 years. it is hard. but you can't let that child see that it upsets you. when that child is not with mom or dad and that child says that they want them let that child know who she is with and that's not how things are done it may hurt her feelings but it will not hurt for long. you got to let her know how is the boss and that it's not her. good luck
2006-07-25 05:33:15 · answer #10 · answered by J 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋