I really can't stomach my step kids, am I a horrible person?

Question

I have two step kids, one of each. However I am having a really hard time settling with them. They stay with us every other day and I can't wait for them to leave or go to bed. I feel I loose my husband to them, it makes me feel awful that I feel this way about children who are so innocent of it all, besides it isn't their fault their parents split. Someone help me, I can't keep living like this.

Answer 1

It is so difficult when there are step children involved.

The only thing I can say is, you obviously love your husband and married him knowing the situation, so now it's a case of making it work out.

There will never be a case where everyone will be delighted with a situation like this, but it does get easier and all it takes is a bit of effort. For your own sake, the best thing to do is for you to bond with his step children. Could you spend some time with them on your own, or even spend a bit of time with each of them on a one-to-one basis and try to get to know these little people that are now a part of your lives, because that is what they are after all, and they will never just disappear.

I wonder if it would make it easier if you could change the days they stay with you and perhaps do 3 days with and 3 days without or something like that, as with all the chopping and changing it could only be hard on all of you to adjust. Perhaps if they have more time in once place you will all feel more settled. Also, if they are with you for longer they won't just see it as a big holiday and demand all of their Dad's time.

I think doing things as a "family" if you can would also help you a lot. I know it isn't easy but if you are willing to invest a bit of time and effort, it does get easier.

Good luck

Answer 2

I can well imagine how tough this is for you. And don't worry - you're not horrible for feeling like this, just human.

You can't expect to fall in love with your partner's children just because you've fallen in love with him. So take the pressure off yourself. When they're around, try to take yourself off into another part of the house, have a hot bath, catch up on Corrie etc.

You should feel reassured by the fact that you're asking a question like this - plenty of people out there wouldn't. It shows you care.

Be honest with your other half about how you feel - if you phrase it right, he'll understand.

Good luck - it'll get better. Promise.

Answer 3

I am guessing that you have not ever had a step parent. Broken families are hard. The ex has to deal with their ex being with someone else, letting someone else into their kids life. The husband has to deal with how you'll feel, how the ex feels, and how his kids feel. You are dealing with what you feel. Those kids were there before you were. If things don't work out, they will be there after you are there. It's frustrating, and it isn't easy, that is why I don't date in these situations. Try to get close to them, and know this isn't easy for them either. Maybe you could try befriending their mother. Sometimes this helps too.

Answer 4

No your not a horrible person at all, how do you think your husband would have felt if it had been you with the 2 kids coming into your relationship instead of his kids, kids need so much attention and you are obviously feeling a bit pushed out because he is doing just that, been attentive to his kids and spending less time with you, I so feel for you because your torn between a rock and a hard place, to love him you have to get used to his kids been round so much as well, is he trying too hard with his kids so as not to upset the ex wife, look you obviously love and adore him so much because you wouldn't be in this state otherwise, talk to him and tell him exactly how you feel about it and funnily enough you might find him saying he gets fed up with having to give so much of his attention to his kids too and would just like a few days on your two own, don't let this become so hard that it tears you both apart, life is hard going into a relationship were kids are already part and parcel of it, get friendly with the kids and you will be in love with them before you know it and don't worry about not been their mommy, if your helping to love, clothe and feed them I would say you have as many rights as the ex does, under your roof have your say, under hers is her problem, please talk to your husband and get this sorted I would hate if you ended up been miserable by not letting it all out, good luck.

Answer 5

First of all take a deep breath............ I have been in your situation and getting ready to get back into another situation with a step child that has been raised differently than the way I raised mine. The way I am going to handle it this time around is with love, compassion, patience on both my part and the step child. I will start off slowly with changing some of the bad habits she has I will reasure her that I am not trying to be her mom but that I have rules as well.

I truely feel for you, my world then was hell pure hell, sit down talk with your husband tell him how you feel and see what the both of you can do to make the situation and the time with the kids more enoyable for you.

No you are not a horrible person, don't ever think that!!!!!!
Best of luck

Answer 6

Maybe you are a horrible person, maybe they are horrible kids. Difficult to say.

By asking the question, you may have opened a new avenue. You should perhaps further ask yourself what do you expect of them and how do they fail to meet your expectations.

Are your expectations too high ? Try letting them be kids. That doesn't mean you let them break things or climb on your furniture with dirty shoes.

I spend the summer with my two younger sisters and am almost totally in charge of the house for the season. Mom and dad knows my code of conduct with my sisters and agree with it. When they go off limits, they are firmly brought back to reality, not with physical punishments but be deprivation of certain privileges, such as computer time, TV or dessert..

However, one needs to know more about you and their behaviour to pass judgement. Good luck to you, from Canada

Answer 7

Well your husband needs to make time for you and the two of you. If he is just intoi you when kis kids are not around then he should not have gotten married. He could have just kept a girlfriend to date. To me your situation stinks and I know how you feel. Does he insist you participate with him and the kids, all together. IF so then he needs to meet your needs for time with him alone.

The kids are basically two people like any other two people in your life. There is no biological bond there. If you never develop a relationship with them, that is ok too. After all you really can't force them to even be your friend. About all that should be expected is mutual repsect between you and his kids.

Answer 8

I also have a step-child who drives me crazy. I know that for me personally, I have such a hard time with her because she lives with her mom the majority of the time and her mother doesn't believe that she should have rules or boundaries. So when she comes to our house she has a really hard time remembering our rules or maybe that's just want she wants us to believe. I am such a control freak and like everything to be just so. And to have to deal with a child that is not my own that is so out of control is very difficult. I do not tell my husband the way I feel about her but I do express my concern for the way she is being raised by her mother and why she needs to have a structured life when she is at our house. I suspect that things will not change and it is something that I will have to deal with if I want to continue my marriage with my husband.

Answer 9

It sounds like you are jealous of the time he spends with them. You need to get over that or find someone who just doesn't have kids! They are a part of him, if for no other reason, you should love them for that fact. Have you tried to figure out WHY you are so insecure?

Answer 10

You're not a horrible person. But, you must be sure in your heart that you're trying your best.