stepdad that needs help?

Question

my stepdaughter just recently told me that she never looks/looked at me as a father figure in her life. she was very upset at the time when she said it because her mom and i decided to take her cell phone as a consequence for being disrespectful towards us and other adults.

this is the first time that she has ever said anything like this since my wife and i have been together..(almost 3 years)

i am really hurt behind this statement. i know i need to forgive her and continue to be there for her, and show her that i love her...but it is very hard because i'm holding a grudge, i'm bitter, and i really dont want to do any of those things right now..

any suggestions/advice...serious responses only please thanks

Answer 1

First off, you are the "parental" figure whether she likes it or not.
Secondly, she said it to be hurtful to get back at you for taking away her cell phone.
Third, get over it, even if you were her biological father she still would have found something hurtful to say because that's how kids feel they have some control over the situation. My son, when we argue, disagree, or I am punishing him for what ever reason will say things like," I hate you" or "I would rather live with my dad" but as the parent I take these things he says for what they are worth....just words said out of anger.
Here's a little secret for you, as they get older what they say only get's worse but as the adult you need to learn how to deal with it and explain to the child that there are better ways to deal with things when they are angry. Also, when you show you can deal with frustrating situations with out saying hurtful things eventually they'll see that.

Answer 2

As a parent, step or otherwise, you have to be the adult. Know that kids will say things in the heat of the moment, just like us adults do, that the neither mean nor thought through. You say that this was her reaction after you and your wife punished her for being disrespectful. She wanted to hurt you and not only did she do that, but she also repeated her disrespectful attitude. You must not hold a grudge, seeing as you are the adult, but I know how difficult it is to keep the patience and maturity when the kids are being obnoxious and hurtful. Just remember, you are trying to teach her to be respectful, she's rebelling, she hit below the belt. Don't back down from your attempts at teaching, you can keep showing her that disrespect will earn her nothing, but don't make it personal based *it will only make her words toward you have a basis in truth, she will start to resent you*. I hope this helps.

Answer 3

Your job isnt to be her friend. Its to be a father /teacher /counselor /guide. Sometimes you have a choice to be a good father or a friend. Make the better choice, give up the idea of friendship until she is in her mid-20's.

Adults know how to fight, children do not. Being married you know that there are things you should never say whether or not you feel them. She is demonstrating that she is a child by lashing out at you.

She will say anything to hurt you. If you had been her biological dad it wouldnt protect you. You would be sensitive somewhere else and she would try to hit you there. Kids who are angry always try to give you a cup-shot.

There is a great book, although its a little disturbing for a guy, that you should read called "She calls me daddy". Another one is "Captivating" by John and Stasi Eldridge. Both will give you insight into whats going on inside of her, and a vision of how you can help her become a well balanced and healthier young woman.

I dont know your religious background, but there are radio programs that I have found helpful: Focus on the Family with Dr. James Dobson, and Parent Talk with Dr. Randy Carlson. These guys take on tough parenting questions, and they give good answers. They arent always right, but they sure provide good ideas when you dont know what to do. Try listening to what they have to say.. if its not useful dont use it, but if it is useful then you know it, right?

Answer 4

As a step-parent myself, and having step-parents...I know where you are coming from. I have 3 step-children, and it is so hard at times. I have been around since they were 2,3, and6, (now 10, 8, and 6)but the respect just isn't there. If i were you, I would take her aside,and tell her how you feel. I am assuming she is a teenager...tell her that what she said really hurt your feelings, etc. She was angry when she said it, and probably didn't actually mean it. I know when I was a teen, I said a lot of things to my step parents that really hurt their feelings, badly. It is SO hard being a step-parent... my step-daughter did something a few months ago, and I had a really hard time letting it go. She broke my trust, and I am just starting to really get over it. Keep being there for her...you will have your ups and downs, probably for the rest of your lives...( i still have a rough time with my step-parents, and I'm 34!!). And for the person who said a step-parent should never do the punishing...obviously never had step-children...that is wrong! If I didn't punishmine, they would walk all over me and my husband. I will not stand behind my husband and let him opunish them for something they did while he is gone, just as he will not stand behind me if mine do something while I am gone. I'm not saying we don't back each other up, but we punish all of our kids equally. (I have 3, he has 3 and we have 1 together). If he catches them doing something, he handles it, if it is me thatcatches them, I do it.
Sorry, I am rambling...Just talk to her, communication is key in any relationship. Especially in a step-parent/step-child relationship.

Answer 5

Simply put.. you arn't her father. 3 years isn't very long for a teen, which I am assuming she is. She probably won't feel as if you're any father figure for a few more years, its the down side fo stepparenting.
Try to be there for her, WHEN SHE WANTS. You can't make her feel as if you're her parent. If your wife and you got a divorce, you would have no obligation to her, she knows this.
She may have been feeling this way for a long time and never let it out, or she could be lashing out because she's upset for getting punished.

Just an FYI a stepparent should NEVER do the punishing, or lecturing. They should stand silently behind the parent.
Good luck

Answer 6

I have two step children as well, one daughter, one son. It is completely normal to feel hurt when they say things, and of course you are pulling away. The thing is, which you already know, is that she said that specifically to hurt you. People do that, especially teenage girls!! Give yourself some space and time, it will fade. Just don't retaliate, if at all possible. You should be the adult here, and a role model. Taking this further will only lead to deeper wounds on both sides. It will get better! Good Luck!

Answer 7

I have a step dad (he has since passed away quite tragically due to a drunk driver) My mom married him when I was 5 and I was soooo happy to finally have a dad in my life but when those teenage years hit, I started calling him by his fist name and I'd tell him that I hated him. When he disciplined me I would lash out with the " You aren't my dad" line. It is just a stupid teenage thing.

When I was 19 or 20 we got really close and were until he died when I was 24. His death hit me so hard, took me 2 1/2 years to get past depression (with counseling and anti depressants)...this for a man I used to say I hated when I was a teenager....Just be her dad and love her, she'll come around. She might just be testing the water to see if you really care to help her get through the rough times or if you are gonna be that guy who really doesn't love her like a father should.

Answer 8

Don't put too much into it. You don't say what her age is, but I'm assuming teen. Kids say hurtful things even to biological parents at that age when they don't get their way or are being punished. Right now she knows that 's what would really hurt you most. My husband and I have been through the same problems, we both had kids when we married. Just keep doing what you're doing, be a parent and always be there for her. We've been married for 18 years and the kids all grew up to realize the things we did were always for their benefit. Good luck.

Answer 9

Boy that's harsh. Kids are almost always mean to their real parents, so it's just that much harder for a step parent.

When I was a teenage and my mom re-married, I really resented my step-father, I once told him the only steps in life are the ones we climb and it hurt him really bad, and to this day I feel guilty because I can't take it back.

Now, many years later, my father has passed, my mother has passed and I'm glad I have a step-father to talk to. It's going to take some time, but you need to let go of the resentment and look forward. Good luck to you and your family :)

Answer 10

I TOO HAVE A STEP FATHER. I DID LOOK AT HIM AS A FATHER BECAUSE I LIVED WITH MY MOTHER SO HE WAS THE ONE THERE WHEN I GOT HOME FROM SCHOOL. THE ONLY TIME THAT I TOLD HIM THINGS LIKE THAT IS WHEN HE DISCIPLINED ME AS YOU DID TO YOUR STEP DAUGHTER. I WAS A DADDY'S GIRL SO I USED THAT AGAINST HIM. IF HER PARENTS WERE STILL TOGETHER AND IT WAS HER FATHER THAT HAD DISCIPLINED HER SHE WOULD STILL BE SAYING HURTFUL THINGS TO HIM. THE THING ABOUT STEP PARENTS IS YOU ARE THERE ALL THE TIME AND DEAL WITH MOST OF THE **** BUT YOUR FEELINGS ARE PUT ASIDE BECAUSE YOU ARE THE STEP PARENT!! JUST CONTINUE DOING WHAT YOU ARE DOING. IF SHE DIDN'T LOVE YOU THAN SHE WOULDN'T HAVE SAID IT. REMEMBER ITS NOT BECAUSE YOU ARE THE STEP PARENT ITS BECAUSE YOU ARE THE ONE THERE!!
BY THE WAY IF YOU PUNK OUT AND GIVE HER BACK HER PHONE THAN SHE KNOWS THAT ANYTIME YOU DISCIPLINE HER ALL SHE HAS TO DO IS SAY SOMETHING HURTFUL AND THROW A FIT AND YOU WILL PUNK OUT!!STAY STRONG SHE WILL RESPECT YOU FOR IT IN THE LONG RUN.
I DID!!