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He cheated on her, and she doesn't love him any more, but should she go back to him for the sake of her kids and keeping her family together, even if she knows that she will be bitterly unhappy,... isn't this what mothers are supposed to do? Sacrifice their own lives for the sake of their children?

2006-07-25 01:06:57 · 43 answers · asked by dirtyminx82 3 in Family & Relationships Singles & Dating

Just to add some more meat...she did leave, but he wants her back and has taken the children and is now fighting for custody... she cannot bear to lose her children and feels that to go back to him is her best option... she is financially secure and has her own successful career, but is terrified of losing her babies... her husband is merely using them in an event to get his wife back... he swears he will never cheat again....

2006-07-25 01:19:29 · update #1

43 answers

Mothers are supposed to consider the effects of their actions on their children and not make any fast moves that will hurt them. So are fathers. He made the first move here. There are things to consider. 1) Has Jerk Dad said he's sorry? Would he be willing to try again? Are friends hurt feelings capable of healing? 2) How is Jerk as father? Would he disappear or would he at least pay child support? It may be better to have two peaceful homes Mom's during the week and Dad's on weekends than 24/7 bitter hostility.
If she thinks she can get over the hurt and he promises to stay home I think they should get some counseling and try to get over it.
If he is determined to be a dog, she should cut the leash and move on. She should not have to make all the sacrifices here

2006-07-25 01:21:27 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 2 2

No. You should never stay together for the kids. If she doesn't love him and as you said she is going to be bitterly unhappy then she is creating a toxic environment for her kids. Children are smarter than they appear and they will sense something is off-center in the home no matter how hard the parents might try to hide it. It is true that children benefit from having two happy parents but sometimes it is better to be happy apart instead of miserable together. With that said, if she stays and the children learn of this infidelity and see their parents reunite and fighting all the time they will end up with distorted views on what a normal and loving husband and wife relationship is like. This sets them up to repeat this history in their own lives.

2006-07-25 01:26:24 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0 0

I am in a loveless marriage, but I am still haging around because of my kids which means the word to me. People are just selfish and think that marriage is just to fulfill our needs without regards to the needs of the children they bring to the world.

I never cheated, I clean, I cook, take care of her family, the kids and I take care of the household finances. On the other hand, she only works, sleeps and fights for everything that crosses her mind heaven forbids when is PMSing. However, I've learned that I am more powerful than her because I am a man that does not need her in order to survive. As for the "sex" part, what sex? I have not had any in months, but there is always a hand to keep me satisfied. I get better sex from my hands than what I got from her.

So my answer is get back to him for the kids sake. Unhappiness, is cured by the love your children will have for you by sticking to this loser. You may not love him for what he did, but the children don't care.

ADDITIONAL INFORMATION RESPONSE:

Who cares if she is financially independent and successful. He obviously kept the kids because it appears that she is more in to her career than her family, hence his cheating on her. Now I get a more clearer picture. You just can have it all even if you try.

It seems that she is playing a very dangerous power struggle game which she is bound to lose at the end. She will keep her money and successful career without a home and children to go back too after work. There are more important things that money and successful careers. I think she is the loser!!!

2006-07-25 01:18:11 · answer #3 · answered by Billie 2 · 0 0

Sacrifice your actual life if is saves your children's life yes but not spend your life being unhappy. Rather than keep the family together you end up tearing it apart. Children are very intuitive and will know that you are unhappy and resentful. It is far better to try and work it out amicably so that everyone is as happy as you can manage. The children might not understand in the short term but they will in the long term.

I tried hard at first to keep my marriage going after he cheated and it was a disaster and ended up becoming quite violent as there was so much frustration and anger.. from him, not me... because I kicked up a fuss every time he went off with his mistress.

Three years on I am much happier now and in a new relationship, my son is happy, my ex is happy and his mistress/girlfriend has just had their baby and although we do not get on at all we love our son.

2006-07-25 01:20:55 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0 0

I think she should try and reconcile with her husband and they both should seek marriage counseling from a professional. If they are both willing and committed, they can make it work and be happy. This would be the best and most ideal situation for the kids, because growing up in a divorced home is traumatic and damages children for the rest of their lives (trust me, I've been through it myself and had clients and friends in the same boat).

I don't agree with all of this crap about mothers putting themselves first, or that "they need to do what's best for themselves first." Parenthood is not about yourself - it's about your children. If what's best for your children is working harder and enduring more in your marriage to try and make it work, then that's what the mother needs to do. The father should do the same thing - stop being an insensitive jerk and shape up.

That said, if she has honestly tried EVERYTHING she can do to make it work or if her husband is continually cheating, unloving, and unwilling to be committed to the relationship, then what more can the mother/wife do? She should seek a separation from her husband in hopes that this will shake him up and make him realize the gravity of the situation; maybe then he'll make some changes. In the meantime, they could still use some marriage counseling. If all else fails, then she could with a clear conscience never go back to her husband.

2006-07-25 01:20:34 · answer #5 · answered by ampotratz 4 · 0 0

Firstly, in matters of the heart, only she has the final answer. Your job as her friend should be to support her in whatever decision she makes FOR HERSELF. Otherwise you risk getting sucked in and blamed and hated when things don't go well. This especially happens with women friends.

That said, people make vows when they marry. For better or for worse. But human beings define "worse" so narrowly! What does "worse" mean? Brokeness? Illness? Unhappiness? If your partner goes into a coma or becomes a helpless quadriplegic? I think cheating is one of those "worse" times. And cheating rarely happens out of the blue, there are always underlying problems and things that precipitate it. Like insufficient communication, money dynamics or attention issues. Even the kids can damage your closeness.

As adults and married people who are bound by a vow, it is our responsibility to work it out. No one is perfect, and no other set of parents can raise the babies the two of them made together. Working through "bitter unhappiness" is the adult thing to do. It may be painful, but see it as a challenge and you will find fulfillment in overcoming it. As for "sacrificing her life" that is also a narrow, selfish view. When you bring babies into this world, they become part of your life, whether you like it or not. And it becomes your responsibility to see them through to adulthood.

And yes, that is what wives and mothers do. In Uganda, East Africa, (where i come from) we have a saying: The man is the head of the home, but the woman is the neck that turns that head. We women are the homemakers, we must sometimes give up the right to be "right" for the greater good of the home, for better or for worse. Give something all the chances you can, so that when you finally walk away you will have no regrets.

Tell your friend to go home dear, and support her as she fights to overcome and conquer.

2006-07-25 02:19:41 · answer #6 · answered by turbocharged 1 · 0 0

No, definitely no. Two unhappy adults, or even one unhappy adult makes unhappy children. They will feel insecure as there are bound to be rows and they will pick up on the negative and unhappy atmosphere which will have an adverse effect on them. It is better for children to live with one parent in a happy and loving atmosphere, rather than with two in an unhappy one. As long at it is explained to them that the split is not there fault (often children blame themselves) but that Mummy and Daddy just don't love each other anymore but that they both still love them, then everything should be ok.

2006-07-25 01:14:57 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0 0

well..i have been a person whose parents were divorced and let me tell u one thing..kids get suffered the most in the battle between the elders. their personality complety changes. if one thing i could wish for, it would be for my parents to get back and i probably wouldnt be the way i am now.

my advice to you is put your ego and the things behind you for a minute. just ask these questions with yourself: let alone the fact that he cheated is he a good husband? is he a good father? if the answer to atleast 1 of the question is yes and please dont leave him. u got married so that means there was something in the relationship, or rather that person that you decided that you will spend your life with this man.

i think if cheating is his habit then leave him but if it was just a one time thing then dont let go. everyone makes mistakes. maybe you were keeping him distance that's why he went to somone else. there has to be two sides to a story. maybe he required more attention which the wife was providing but the mistress was.

think about it. i really think you should give him one last chance.

2006-07-25 01:18:08 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0 0

It's an old, old story. Look. He can swear on six stacks of bibles and torahs and korans but until he is powerfully motivated, does a LOT of work with a counselor or therapist, and re-arranges the priorities of his life, his behavior is highly likely to continue as it was in he past.
IF he is as big an SOB as you make him out to be (that's a big if because emotions cloud facts very often in these cases), then she should do everything in her power to protect the kids. That's priority number one. If that means moving back in with the guy for a while and then taking them, that's what she should do. So, yes, she should sacrifice for the sake of the kids. Again, IF what you describe is true, what he's done is one of the greatest abuses one can heap on kids surpassed only by sexual and physical abuse and they need to be protected as number one priority and they will proabably need therapy to recover.
Here's the real problem. If he's abusing them, THEY will become abusers and the cycle will continue. That's why she needs to protect and heal them.

2006-07-25 01:28:33 · answer #9 · answered by DelK 7 · 0 0

I have a friend in the same situation...my friend is male though. He went back to his wife for the sake of the kids....2 boys and a girl......and he's so unhappy....I feel bad for him that he's given up on hope of happiness.....but the kids are growing up happy and well adjusted b/c they have both parents in their lives full time. She's happy too, and he does all he can to keep her from finding out, so he doesn't destroy her happiness.......anyway, guess what I'm saying is, if she will be miserable, there's no reason for them to be married......as long as they can work something out for raising the kids TOGETHER, they should separate.......

2006-07-25 01:12:32 · answer #10 · answered by honey_bear_21_1999 4 · 0 0

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