what can I do to get along with my parents ?

Question

I`m 21 living alone but in the same city with them .
I can`t stand visiting them because they`re still treating me like a child & never wanna believe that I have an independent life now & every time I visit them or give them a call turns to a big fight & you can imagine how my childhood was like!
p s : I was a lonely child.

Answer 1

this is very difficult. if you've never gotten on with your parents anyway who says you're gonna start getting on with them now. perhaps you should pull away from them a bit; don't visit them as often as they are expecting you to. if they complain, just say to them you don't want things to end in a row as you feel disturbed for the rest of the week.

get yourself a good social network of friends who you can get on with and enjoy their company instead. you can still visit your parents but do it less so they'll start appreciating your visits more. and try not to rise to the bait when you do see them. i don't think you'll ever see eye to eye with them if you carry yourself along the same road. something's got to change. prove to yourself and your parents that you can make it alone. you say you were alone pretty much in childhood so you've already got those coping strategies in place. good luck.

Answer 2

You have a few options with this one...

1) Tell them like it is - you obviously want to get on with them as you are asking for advice. Tell them that you are their daughter and you are 21 - and need to start treating you as such.

2) Move away - not even very far. Just move and ask for their help. This will alert them to the fact that you are not going to be in their lives as much and the old adage is so true - absence DOES make the heart grow fonder.

3) Identify why you do not get on with them then work on these issues. If you do not feel comfortable talking about these then write to them, or even go for some mediation councelling.

End of the day they are your mum and dad and no matter what there will always be a bond there.

Answer 3

Oh dear, what a bummer!

Just remember, they only want to do what is best for you, although you may not feel like it!

I never got on with my mum but now we are pretty close. Keep at it and you will all eventually learn how to get along and what you all need from each other.

In the meantime, have you tried to sit them down (without getting stressed if poss!) and saying, look Mum and Dad, I love you very much but I feel like I need some space.

Make sure you tell them what you are up to - this worked for me. A quick call every now and then to say "Guess what, I'm doing really well at work" or "I'm going to the zoo with Debbie on Saturday" or whatever.

If you recently moved out is is more than likely that they are missing having you around. Some parents cope better with it than others!

Answer 4

As a mother of a 22 year old and 24 year old i think you should be patient with your parents, to them you are a child you are their child and always will be. You probably think they are trying to interfere in your life but they're not they just want to make sure your ok remember they gave you life looked after your every need since the day you arrived and i bet you still turn to them when you need something so stop acting like a spoilt child you will be the same with your own kids one day then you will understand. And stop taking things they say out of context

Answer 5

It sounds like they are having a hard time with you being an adult. I would suggest trying to set something up at a neutral location (i.e. dinner at a local restaurant, not your house or theirs) and talk to them. Tell them there are some things you would like to say and you would really appreciate if they would just let you talk first, then they can say their piece. Let them know first and foremost that you love them and respect them. Then tell them how you are feeling, that you are an adult and value their opinions but they have to understand that you are an adult and you will probably make decisions that they may not think are the best. People make mistakes but that's how they learn. Let them know that you understand that what they say is out of love but let them know how much you just want someone you can call and talk to now, less of a "parent" I guess.

Or, just give it time. I understand. Trust me. I got to the point that when we would begin to fight I would take a deep breath and say, OK, you're right (calmly, not patronising) and tell them I had to go.

Hope that helps :)

Answer 6

First I would suggest you not to think that they are not considerate. Parents over a period of time become habitual of living for their children, means like over a period of time they have seen you grow, demanding one thing or the other. And I am sure they must have done everything to cater to your needs. Now that you are old enough to cater to your needs yourself, they still are in the same state of mind. Hence they are not yet prepared to think that you have your independent life. It will take a lil time for them to accept the fact. Just be patient and listen to them. Sit with them and talk, may be mostly your problems. Let them suggest one thing or the other. Choose if you have to or do your own thing. Gradually they would understand. Patience should be the virtue. All the best... Oh I am 32 and have a small daughter. I understand NOW what my parents used to tell me when I was your age.

Answer 7

Give up you can never grow up in your parents eyes they will always treat you like a child even if you have your own children. It just a matter of how you handle them if they start to wind you up change topic go outside into the garden do anything except argue because that gives them more ammo to treat you like a child

Answer 8

Just imagine to yourself if you lost one or both of your parents how would you feel then? Parents are not perfect it hard to let a child go out in the world to fend for themselves to you your an adult to them your still their baby give them some slack the world would be a sadder place without them I should know I lost my dad on Christmas day and trust me I didn't see eye to eye with him but I would give all that I have to do so now

Answer 9

As serious and heart rending as this feels right now, I am giving fun advice that has helped me through similar issue.
When you interact with your parents, pretend you are on a late night TV talk show. You are a guest, be bright and funny, give out only polite information that you would broadcast on TV, avoid conversations on hot topics, wear nice clothes and hair. Have some where to go, so that "interviews" last only a short time, kiss them goodbye, and go.
Until you can maintain that charade without a breakdown.-do not attempt a more intimate relationship with them.

Answer 10

accept that your parents aren't perfect and that they'll probably never change. All you can do is sit them down and explain how their behaviour is making you feel, If you don't think you can sit them down and talk then write them a letter. Don't get drawn into an argument, bite your tongue and take the high road. Hopefully this will show them that you are a mature adult but you can't expect miracles, to them you will always be their baby! If they can't/wont back off then just be civil and see them as little as you can manage!