You thin you got jokes?

Question

I'm bored. Any Kind of joke as long as it's HILARIOUS!

Answer 1

Sixty-Eight Fun Things to do in Walmart
1. Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations.

2. Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store.

3.Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.

4. Start playing Football; see how many people you can get to join in.

5. Run up to an employee (preferrebly a male) while squeezing your legs together and practically yell at him " I need some tampons!!"

6. Try on bras in the sewing/fabric department.

7. Try on bras over top of your clothes.

8. Make a trail of orange juice on the ground, leading to the restrooms

9. While walking around the store, sing in your loudest voice possible "sex and candy"

10. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a Code 3 in Housewares," and see what happens.

11. Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volumes to "10".

12. Play with the automatic doors.

13. Walk up to complete strangers and say, "Hi! I haven't seen you in so long!..." etc. See if they play along to avoid embarrassment.

14. While walking through the clothing department, ask yourself loud enough for all to hear, "Who BUYS this ****, anyway?"

15. Repeat Number 14 in the jewelry department.

16. Try putting different pairs of women's panties on your head and walk around the store casually.

17. Leave small sacrifices or gifts in the hands of the mannequins. 18. Play soccer with a group of friends, using the entire store as your playing field.

19. As the cashier runs your purchases over the scanner, look mesmerized and say, "Wow. Magic!"

20. Put M&M's on layaway.

21. Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.

22. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.

23. Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners.

24. Nonchalantly "test" the brushes and combs in Cosmetics.

25. Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying, "...I'm Batman. Come, Robin--to the Batcave!"

26. TP as much of the store as possible.

27. Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles.

28. Play with the calculators so that they all spell "hello" upside down.

29. When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?"

30. When two or three people are walking ahead of you, run between them, yelling, "Red Rover!"

31. Look right into the security camera, and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.

32. Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.

33. Take bets on the battle described above.

34. Set up another battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. G.I. Janes. (Red lipstick might give an interesting effect!!!)

35. While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are. Act as spastic as possible.

36. While no one's watching quickly switch the men's and women's signs on the doors of the rest room.

37. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission:Impossible."

38. Attempt to fit into very large gym bags.

39. Attempt to fit others into very large gym bags.

40. Fill your cart with boxes of condoms, and watch everyone's jaws drop when you attempt to buy them.

41. Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.

42. Two words: "Marco Polo."

43. Leave Cheerios in Lawn and Garden, pillows in the pet food aisle,etc.

44. "Re-alphabetize" the CD's in Electronics.

45. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna" look with various funnels.

46. Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse through, say things like "the fat man walks alone," and scare them into believing that the clothes are talking to them

47. While walking around alone, pretend someone is with you and get into a very serious conversation. Exp: The person is breaking up with you and you begin crying "How could you do this to me? I thought you loved me! I knew there was another girl, but I thought I had won. You kissed ME darling." Then act as though you are being beaten and fall onto the ground screaming and having convulsions.

48. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream, "No, no! It's those voices again!"

49. Go to an empty checkout stand and try to check people out.

50. Drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines and relax. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don't get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.

51. Get a stuffed animal and go to the front of the store and begin stroking it lovingly, saying "Good girl, good bessie."

52. Go over to the shoe department and try on every pair of shoes, not putiing one pair back. Take the paper from the boxes and throw it in various aisles.

53. When someone steps away from their cart to look at something,quickly make off with it without saying a word.

54. Follow people through the aisles, always staying about five feet away. Continue to do this until they leave the department.

55. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.

56. Test the fishing rods and see what you can "catch" from the other aisles.

57. In the makeup department, spray yourself with every perfume there is, then walk up to a boy who is with another girl and start flirting with him in that annoying, ditsy way. "hi!!!! (giggle) What's your sign?(giggle)." When the boy shows no interest, start hitting on the girl the exact same way. "hi!!!! (giggle) What's your sign?(giggle)."

58. Hold indoor shopping cart races.

59. Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.

60.When there are people behind you, walk REALLY SLOW, especially thin narrow aisles.

61.Relax in the patio furniture until you get kicked out.

62.Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.

63.Pay off layaways fifty cents at a time.

64. Say things like, "Would you be so kind as to direct me to your Twinkies?"

65. Make up nonsense products and ask newly hired employees if there are any in stock, i.e., "Do you have any Shnerples here?"

66. Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim you're taking it for a "test drive."

67. Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters.

68. Get boxes of Condoms and randomly put them in peoples carts when they don't realize it!


-or-


15 Ways to Confuse Your Rommmate

1. Sit up. Say, "time to make the donuts." Leave. Do this often.

2. Every five minutes, get up, open the door, peek out, close the door and look relieved.

3. Express an extreme fear of sunlight. Move away from and flinch at areas of the room that are sunny.

4. Pick up the phone every five minutes and say, "hello." Look confused and hang up.

5. Unwrap a candy bar. Eat the wrapper and throw the chocolate away.

6. When listening to the radio, sing along with different lyrics and a different tune.

7. Address your roommate by a different name every time you talk to him or her

8. Constantly drink from an empty glass.

9. Every time you handle something of your roommate's, use a tissue or gloves.

10. While unlocking your door with the key, complain that the engine won't start.

11. Name your animal crackers. Mourn for them after you eat them.

12. Get a pet rabbit. At a designated time every day, take the rabbit into the bathroom and engage in loud shouting matches. If your roommate inquires, refuse to discuss the situation.

13. Try to make meals using your roommate's electric blanket.

14. Put black tape over the eyes of the people in your roommate's pictures. Complain that they were staring at you.

15. Everytime your roommate falls asleep, wait ten minutes, wake him or her up and say, "it's time to go to bed now."

Answer 2

Manure...A True Story

Manure: In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be transported by ship and it was also before commercial fertilizer's invention, so large shipments of manure were common.
It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, it not only became heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a by product is methane gas. As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could (and did) happen. Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM! Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined just what was happening . After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the term "Ship High In Transit" on them, which meant for the sailors to stow it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane.

Thus evolved the term "S.H.I.T " , (Ship High In Transport) which has come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day.
You probably did not know the true history of this word.
Neither did I.

I had always thought it was a golf term.

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Don't forget to pay your taxes!

12 Million ILLEGAL immigrants
are depending on you!

Answer 3

Things not to say to a naked guy
(giggle and point!)
Are you cold?
At least this won't take long.
But it still works, right?
Can I be honest with you?
Did you date Lorena Bobbitt?
Do you take steroids?
Does it come with an air pump?
Every heard of clearasil?
Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow?
I didn't know they came that small.
I hear excessive masturbation shrinks it.
I never saw one like that before.
If you get me real drunk first.
It looks like a night crawler.
It looks so unused.
It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
It's more fun to look at.
It's ok, we'll work around it.
I've smoked fatter joints than that.
Look, it fits my Barbie clothes.
Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
Maybe it looks better in natural light.
My last boyfriend was 4'' bigger.
Never mind, why bother.
Oh no, a flash headache.
Oh, I didn't know you were in an accident.
So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
This explains your car.
What is that?
Where's the rest of it?
Who circumcised you?
Why don't we just cuddle?
Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
Wow, but your feet are so big.
You know they have surgery to fix that.
Your big gun is more like a BB gun.

Answer 4

An attorney got home late one evening, after a very
taxing day trying to get a stay of execution for a
client, James Wright, who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight.

His last-minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he got through the door at home, his wife started on him about, What time of night do you call this? Where have you been?" and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a shot of whisky and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client had been granted his stay of execution after all.

Finally realizing what a day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs to give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband's rear end as he was bent over naked drying his legs and feet.

"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said.

He whirled around and screamed,


"FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP
Post ur email address i have quite a few or just i m it 2 me charles_iams

Answer 5

What do you call a gay dinosaur? a mightysourass.
What do you call a lesbian dinosaur? a lickalottofpuss.
What do you call a cow with no legs? ground beef.
I got a horse named nobody. Would you suck his balls? Then whose would you suck?

There was a bartender cleaning his shop when he herd a knock on the door. he answered the door and it was a homeless woman. she asked for a toothpick and he gave it her. about 3 minutes he heard another knock at the door. he answered the door and there was four homeless men and they all asked for toothpicks. so the bartender gave them toothpicks. what a weired night, i wonder what they needed toothpicks for, he wondered. about 10 minutes he herd pounding on his door and a homeless man huffing and puffing asked for a straw. The bartender was fed up. so he grabbed the homeless man ans asked him,"what the hell is going on? you are the 6th homeless person to come and ask for something. they all wanted toothpicks and you want a straw why? The homeless man said "some rich guy threw up on the sidewalk and all the good parts have been taken."

Answer 6

Inside every fat man, there's a thin man trying to get out. Yeah, right.

Answer 7

A little boy and his dad were walking down the street whan they saw two dogs having sex. The little boy asks his father “Daddy, what are they doing?” The father says, “Making a puppy.” So they walk on and go home.
A few days later, the little boy walks in on his parents having sex. The little boy says, “Daddy, what are you doing?” The father replies, “Making a baby.” The little boy says, “Well, flip her around! I'd rather have a puppy instead!”

Answer 8

Go to a health food store, Tell them you can't remember the brand name, but you're looking for that new beverage that contains absolutely no water. Ask them to special order it for you.

Answer 9

Question: What did the banana say to the vibrator



Answer: What are you doing shaking she is going to eat me

Answer 10

All hair removal methods have tricked us with their promises of easy, painless removal - The Epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax...

My night began as any other normal weekday night. Come home, fix dinner, played with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours: Maybe I should pull the wax out of the medicine cabinet. So I headed to the site of my demise; the bathroom. It was one of those cold wax kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand and then they get warm, you peel them apart, press it to your leg (or wherever else) and hair comes right off.


No mess, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean I'm no girly girl, but I am mechanically inclined enough that I can figure it out. *YA THINK?!!!* So I pull one of the thin strips out. It's two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. Cold wax my rear end. (Oh how this phrase haunts me!) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull. OK so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-Ra, fighter of all wayward body hair and smooth skin extraordinaire.

With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure I apply the wax strip across the right side of bikini line, covering the right half of my nether regions and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (Yes, it was a long strip). I inhale deeply and brace myself.

RRRRIIIPPP!!!! I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!

Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half of the strip. Crap!!!

Another deep breath and RRIIPP. Everything is swirly and spotted! Do I hear crashing drums???

OK, back to normal. I want to see my trophy - A wax covered strip, that has caused me so much pain, with hair sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip! There's no hair on it. Where is the hair?? WHERE IS THE WAX??? Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair... the hair that should be on the strip. I touch. I am touching wax. Crap!

The most sensitive part of my body, is now covered in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make the next BIG mistake................remembe... my foot is still propped up on the toilet. I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down.

NOOO!!!!!!! I hear the slamming of the cell door. Nether region? Sealed shut. Butt?? Sealed shut. I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself "Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off "Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!!

I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off right??? *WRONG!!!!!!!*


I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit. Now, the only thing! worse that having your nether businesses glued together is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub. In scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax. So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub!!

God bless the man that convinced me I should have a phone in the bathroom!!!!! I call my friend thinking surely she's waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter "So, my butt and who-ha are stuck to the bottom of the tub!"

There is a slight pause. She doesn't have a secret trick but does try to hide the laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is located "Are we talking cheeks or hole or what?" She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her! I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box. YEAH RIGHT!!!! Like I'm going to be the joke of someone else's night.

While we go through various solutions I resort to scraping the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better then to have your nether regions covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry shaving the sticky wax off!! By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I slip into glazed donut land.

My friend is still talking with me when I discover the saving grace...the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax.

What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!!!!!! The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend, but I really don't care. "IT WORKS!! It works!!" I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up. I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair..........................

THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......................AL... OF IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So I shaved it off. Heck, I'm numb at this point.

Next week I'm going to try hair color......

Answer 11

How do you confuse an archaeologist?


give him a used tampon and ask him what period it came from.