isolated husband?

Question

My husband and I are in our middle age and we are blessed with two children. My husband is basically a good person but does not value the family. Freinds and other relations matter a lot except his immediate family. Most of the time he is with others and when he is in the house he watches the movies/listen to music but does not spend time with his children. He has got the inner feeling that if he gives the monthly allowances to the family then he has done his duty. Family and its ties do not affect him. Since this suits the interest of his other relations and freinds, nobody comes forward to guide him. I am a working lady and cannot bring the completeness of the family all alone by myself. I have tried advising him but to no avail. I cannot express this to others because they may chide me saying that since my husband is not aggressive, booser or volatile I have no reason to complain. But I want him to involve in the family so that there is good relationship+fulfillment within.

Answer 1

Count your blessings.

Answer 2

I'm sorry for your family. He sounds much like my friend's father. It's just a hunch but was he (is he) spoiled by his other family members? If so, there isn't much that is going to change him. He may come around with the grandchildren. Men of that nature generally do. I wish I could give you advice on what to try or say but, I'm at a loss. I fear that nothing will change this man until he is ready to change himself. He will have to open his eyes on his own. Unfortunately it may be too late for your children. To validate you I know that this problem is as big if not bigger than an aggressive booser. You do have reason to complain. He's not showing you respect. He may in other ways but, if he's not there in spirit then ... he's not there. God bless you and your family!

Answer 3

I don't know if anything will work but I would do lots of activities with the children and your friends and don't tell him what or where you are going. Don't just do it once in a while do it forever, that way if he still does not notice the family you have a social life of your own. If he's not cheating and is not mean and provides his part of the living, ignore him. I mean he is not paying attention to you guy's so see if he notices and if he does still ignore him till he is begging to be included. Give him the same plate he deals you, I hope you do not leave it is hard to raise children and even if he is shallow toward his family, he is still there. BUT I WOULD NOT STAY IF HE IS CHEATING!!!!

Answer 4

Sounds like the man may not change, and one is usually told to accept him for who he is and all that other crap, so on that note. Sure. Accept him for who he is. Then you go out and join a book club or something that forces you out of the house for a couple hours a week and makes him stay home with the kids. Remove yourself from the situation and slowly he will have to come around. Maybe, just maybe later down the road, he will choose to spend time with the family but that is a ways on down the line.

Answer 5

I feel for you- your husband sounds like my father. I can say from experience that if your husband isn't there for his family now, his family won't be there when he needs them.

If your husband has a family-friendly hobby, try to get the kids involved. Make him take them to soccer practice or dance lessons. Get him involved with his kids now, before it's too late.

My father barely paid attention to his kids when we/they were younger. Now, i only call him out of guilt. I don't know him, and it's hard to fake enthusiasm for my filial duties. My family's spun apart because my siblings and my father don't know each other, and i don't wish that on anyone.

Answer 6

It seems you are just letting him be on his own. Have you tried talking to him ? maybe he feels something bad or sees something wrong in the way your family is leading to but he is not in a position to say something about it. Do you make him worthy as a husband and father or do you make him look bad in front of your children. A lot of family problems can be solved by communication and a lot of the problems are caused by miss communication or misunderstanding.

Answer 7

of course you should expect your husband to spend time with the children. even if he is a somewhat decent guy. he has issues, obviously. have you tried counceling? maybe that's how he was raised. are his parents the same way? is he still interested in at least knowing how the kids are doing?
it is a tough situation and with kids you never know. they may end up resenting him. they may just appreciate the fact that he is at home and is not abusive.
you should keep trying to 'guide' him, to get him involved with in the kids activities.
if your husband is not there for his kids, at least they have you.

Answer 8

You sound as if you have been married a while. If that is the case, you know in your heart he isn't going to change. This may sound awful but....If you have been happy for years and just noticing. Have you thought maybe you are feeling different as you age.I wouldn't suggest divorce.For myself turning 40 was a odd time for me. Don't give up something you know will pass.Why don't you tell him what you have ask here.Good Luck to you and your family.

Answer 9

such is life in this paternalistic world. most men just get to play while we are EXPECTED to keep the homefires burning. and if we don't or we need help, we're afraid of being "chided" like little girls.
sorry to hear about your situation but you are right! he is part of the family, and he should act like it!
how do your kids contribute to the family completeness (how old are they?)
where are your friends?
go out live a little! leave him at home to watch the kids if need be or take a holiday without any of them and let them realise how much they appreciate you.
good luck, sister.......

Answer 10

I'd get busy studying relationships at book stores, the library, on line and anywhere you can. the techniques for a good relationship are available, do-able, and (IMO) easy if you are seriously motivated to learn them. it's best if both partners study and learn good relationship skills but, since the burden is on you, anything you learn will help - especially the children - who will gain from having at least one GOOD parent.
other solutions are counseling. good luck

Answer 11

Maybe that is your husband natural personality and brought up by a conservative family in such an opposite of family ties!Don't hesitate to talk about it, there is nothing to hide,maybe your closefriends as well as your husband friends should know about what is happening,move now before it's too late and your family relationship will suffer! Maybe you can ask one of his close friends to open up about this and let him advise your husband to fullfill his responsibilities being a father and husband that may awaken his mind before its too late to make up your realtionships!