I need some advice from fellow adoptees. Please read on!?

Question

I was adopted at birth. It was set up by my adoptive dad's boss and his wife. We are still in contact with them, and they said whenever I'm ready, they'll tell me everything. I'm 18 years old. Last week, I found out for the first time that my birth mother wanted to have an abortion but it was too late. I feel incredibly hurt. I used to think that my adoption was because she loved me and knew she couldn't take care of me, but now I know that she would rather have killed me. No one else understands. I am now contemplating contacting the couple that set up my adoption because I'm tired of not knowing and want all of this to be behind me. I guess what I'm looking for here is support and suggestions on what to say to my adoptive family- who is the best I could ask for, by the way- from people who actually know what I'm going through. Any input is greatly appreciated. Thanks.

Answer 1

The thing to remember is not all of us are lucky to be given a second chance. You should be grateful you had a good family and regardless of how your birth mother felt, it has no bearing on who you are. That is all thanks to your parents. You need to ask yourself if it would be worth it to have her hurt you face to face. Sometimes things are better left unsaid. Good luck.

Answer 2

The important thing to remember is that you have a loving family, however you got it. Maybe your b-mother did want an abortion - would have been easier for her! But she didn't, and here you are. My B-mother gave me up after nine months.....my father stopped paying for my foster care. Then! The social worker on the case stopped by my adoptive parents' house and oh, so casually, asked them if they'd like another child. And I thought I was chosen! That kinda hurt my feelings when I found out. Talk with your parents.....find some reassurance but know that you really are supposed to be here just like everybody else. I found my birth family and I'm glad I did even though we don't keep in touch much. I like having the history....especially the medical and genetic history. Good luck to you....you'll be fine.

Answer 3

I know its hard for you right now and i cannot even begin to imagine how you feel. However since you are not sure of the events that led to your adoption, i can only suggest one thing, that you must start to see yr self as a miracle baby, you lived despite all these difficulties. Instead of seeing yourself as a victim see yourself as a survivor and let this revelation give more purpose to your life. There is a reason you were not aborted, it seems you turned out OK. Abortion is a very hard issue to deal with it is painful physically and emotionally and i know that nobody uses abortion as birth control.. its just not that easy... Look at ur situation from all sides.. i know its easy for me to say to you that you should count your blessings.. but you really should. I know you are hurting, sad and confused, but can U imagine if u were flying on a plane and it crashed and you were one of the few survivors, would u be eternally mad at the airline or would you see your survival as a sign for a purposeful life? ( know the metaphor sucks here LOL) but i just want u to see how blessed you were.. and think of your birth mother too, what were her circumstances? I hope you find closure happiness and a wonderful purpose for life... for indeed life is short and .. sweet? perhaps...

I read the story below and i was bowled over by it, read it, it may give you a sense of what i am trying to say about seeing life as a gift
http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?file=/c/a/2006/06/06/MNG5MJ94QC1.DTL

Answer 4

That's an absolutely terrible story. I'm so sorry. Even as an adopted child, I can only imagine how painful it must be to know that you were going to be aborted.

I would reccomend contacting your birthmother as soon as possible, so that you can put the issue behind you quickly. You need closure. I'm sure that your adoptive family will understand and support you in whatever you choose to do. Tell them how you feel. What you need to say is what you're feeling.

Best of luck.

Answer 5

I was adopted when I was 1 1/2 years old. For all my life I wanted to meet my birth-mother, for I was always wondering what she was like and where I was from. For my 18th birthday I wanted my present to myself to be to meet her. Then my mother told me when I was 17, very non-chalantly I might add, that my birthmother wanted nothing to do with me. I was devastated, hurt, and very pissed off. Then I didn't think about it again, I got pregnant and married at 20 and all of a sudden she wanted to meet me. I got so angry thinking "oh yeah sure, when she thinks she can be a grandma she wants to meet me". My son was 2 and I got a letter stating again she wanted to meet me, so my husband (now ex) and I drove down to my aunt's house to meet my whole family. I had the time of my life. I met my wonderful family and found out the real reasons she gave me up. I don't know if my mom told me those things because she was hurt and want me to go meet my birthmother? I don't know. But, now I have a good relationship with my birthdmother and we email and call each other. She nothing like me personality-wise, but we are both artists, musicians, and love so many of the same things. If I let my anger get the best of me I wouldn't have this great relationship with this person who carried me inside her for 9 months. I have 2 kids now, I am almost 30 and I am glad that I put it behind me and got past it all.

My old best friend almost aborted her son, she was at the abortion clinic on the last day she could have an abortion and her boyfriend said "let's leave". So her son is alive over a split second decision. But you know what? She loves him more then life and couldn't live without him. Just because someone wants to abort a baby doesn't mean they didn't love them. Women get confused and don't know what to do, it has nothing to do with "wanting to kill their babies". The same friend did have an abortion before she had her son, and she mourns that baby to this day. She just made a mistake.

And if you do meet your birthmom, and she acts cold or unwanting to you, don't let it bother you. You are here, with a good life (I assume) and with parents who wanted you. People give up babies because they know they can have a better life then the one they can offer them. Its a good thing, its not that they didn't want you. They just couldn't keep you.

Just meet them, and ask them "Why did you give me up?" Make small talk at first of course. But you will either get an answer you like or you don't, but either way, you were given a gift: A gift to live. No I am not some religious person, I am just a fellow adoptee who knows what you are going thru and went thru it. And I still I am, I need to meet my birthfather still. But good luck and email me if you need to talk more! jalynnb27 at sbglobal.net

Answer 6

Your birth mother's fear of her pregnancy has nothing to do with YOU! It was not personal. She did not want to kill YOU, she was desperate to be free of a situation she could not handle. Again, it was not personal.

I have two adopted daughters. One was dumped by her stepmother into an orphanage, then the woman tried to get her back when she realized she could have sold her into prostitution. The other was abandoned in a cardboard box in a train station. Both of my girls - now 24 and 18 - understand perfectly that what happened to them was not any reflection on them as the individuals they now are. It had nothing to do with them, and everything to do with the people who had far larger problems in their lives than what to do with a child they couldn't feed. They understand how lucky they are.

Answer 7

i was adopted when i was one day old....i was raised by amazing parents who always told me the story of how the adoption came about and how grateful they were to have me and also for the birth mother who gave me up. there were still unanswered questions but i never had any intention of contacting my birthmother, my parents were my parents and i couldn't have asked for any better. however, on my 18th birthday i received a letter from my birthmother who had searched me out and wanted to meet me. i was floored. i always knew she exsisted but to see a letter from her made everything real. suddenly i was overwhelmed with all sorts of emotions and questions. i decided not to meet her at that time but when i was about to turn 21 decided the time was right. she was very honest about her reasons to give me up and also mentioned the fact that at that time abortion had not been legalized or things may have been different. that was hard to hear, i mean no one wants to think of their mother wanting to kill them. but I realized that in the situation of an unplanned pregnancy, especially in my case where my birthmother was only 18 when she got pregnant, she she too was overwhelmed with emotions and fears and was looking for the first possible solution to change her situation. But know this...it doesn't matter where you came from but rather where you are going. the plans your birthmother may have had are irrelevant. the fact is there is a bigger plan...God's plan for someones life...He doesn' t make mistakes...you were not a mistake...you and i may not have been planned by our birthparents but we were definately planned by God. so look at the big picture and realize how blessed you have been...you weren't aborted because God wanted you here for a purpose. one of those purposes was to be a blessing to your family and all those who love you and have the privelege of knowing you...just think how much the world around you would suffer if you weren't in it. there is a purpose and plan God has for you to fulfill and everyday you are on this planet you have the opportunity to make a difference. I look at it this way...of all the people that could have been my parents i got the most amazing family i could have asked for, that doesn't just happen...I believe God has His hand on my life even as a baby and i believe He did the same for you...so don't be hurt or angry at what your birthmother may have thought of doing...just be glad that someone greater was in control and no one can mess up His plans. hope this helps.

Answer 8

u r 18 n still very young . b thankful u hv good n supportive parents - adoptive or ' real ' . finding out u r actually 2 b discarded is rather sad . but bear in mind u r still alive n kicking n that's d most important thing . what's d point in finding out d truth knowing it will make even worse off . let bygone b bygone n forgive ur mother . remember tis - knowing d truth will not make wat happen 18 yrs ago changed . so go n enjoy ur life . look forward rather than looking at past events - which u know u can't or beyond ur control . good luck .

Answer 9

I was adopted at birth, too, but i have NO way of getting in touch with my biological mother. i have struggled with my biological mom NOT aborting me.

here is what i think: no matter what, you are never going to feel like this is all behind you, even if you talk to your biological mom. if anything, it might start a bigger battle within yourself. it has to start with you--accepting who you are and your situation. maybe talking to your parents about getting into counseling would be good, too. i mean, i'm only telling you this because this has helped me deal with my adoption.

Answer 10

Sweetie, just be honest and forthright when asking your birth mother about this.........Remember, it may not be true..........You have a right to know and get on with life, though, I definately agree with you there.........Talk to your parents (they are your REAL parents by the way) and tell them that you need to know and that it is bothering you........I'm sure they will support you 100% Good Luck, honey and may God Bless!!!!!!!!!