I have a family member (who's age I won't tell, but it's over 40) who's never lived by herself. She's always had someone to cook her meals, clean her laundry and fix her messes when she gets into trouble. Unfortunately the person who did this for her passed away a few months ago, and she's on her own.
Now, here somes the hilarious part.
I'm 19. She's now looking to me as if she wants me to be the 'replacement'; to clean for her and cook for her and fix all of her problems. Now, what do you think is the best way to tell her to 'leave me alone, take care of your own self' in a nice way? I don't want to anger her; it wouldn't help. I just want to get her to start depending on herself to run her own life. Any advice?
2006-07-24 16:39:24 · 8 answers · asked by Bluejay 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
I'm not saying I'm 'taking care' of her right now (right now she's depressed because nobody's bothering with her), but I know the questions are coming; the asking to stay for a night, then two, then three... I know what I have to tell her, but I love her alot. I don't want to ruin our relationship forever.
2006-07-24 17:48:38 · update #1
Some folks have no clue how to take care of themselves. It isn't their fault per say, it is just the way it has been for them all along. If she is turning to you, it seems you are one that she can trust and rely on. Help her see the path that awaits by becoming more independent, but also realize that being over 40 it is going to take time. If you have never had to live on your own or by yourself, change can be scary. Especially later in life.... Start with something simple. If she never had to take care of the family finances, show her how to balance the checkbook. It will be slow going, but it will be well worth it in the end.
2006-07-24 16:59:18 · answer #1 · answered by pagudus6669 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
This can get brutal. It's very important that you draw your boundaries clearly, immediately, and gently. I have a feeling that no matter how carefully you do this, she is going to be offended and feel rejected. She will likely react badly at first, perhaps try and guilt and coerce you into helping her out.
The problem is she hasn't grown up yet. Some of us take longer than others, speaking from experience. I was lucky that I had some people in my life who drew a thick line in front of me and forced me to reevaluate things and grow up. Your family member has had an enabler who had done her a lot of damage by coddling her.
Fair warning: If at any time you cross those boundaries and start enabling her, it will quickly become a slippery slope. Then getting yourself out of that will be ten times as hard.
Remember that by being strict about this issue you aren't hurting her. You're really doing the best thing for her, and if she gets her act together on her own, she'll thank you for it later.
2006-07-24 23:53:23 · answer #2 · answered by LooneyDude 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Let her know that in no way can you take care of her.
The only reason you would assist her if she was disabled.
Since she isnt its high time she did for herself.
Everyones been doing her growing ups for her.
Either she become an adult fast or she will fall flat on her face and learn how to become adult the hard way.
Sometimes that is what it takes and as a friend you have to let it all happen.
Growing can be hard to do, but it has to be done.
See ya
2006-07-25 01:24:54 · answer #3 · answered by Quelynn 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
went through similar problem. had to be very firm and make her realise she had to get a life of her own and not ruin my life . I cut off all help and advise , would not do any thing for her. 2 years later she was working supporting her self. Perfect? no! but atleast not dependent on me.
2006-07-25 00:07:25 · answer #4 · answered by stright arrow 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Truth hurts but you still need to tell her that she has to be responsible for her own stuff and her own life. She should actually take care of you as your are younger than her.
If she really insist that you should do for her then you have to pretend to be extremely forgetfull till she give up.
2006-07-24 23:53:28 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
both of you need to do some work on your own self respect and self esteem. she to learn and become independent, you to learn how to stand up for your self and let go of worrying about how others will feel when you state your truths and positions. you are both victims of Codependency (look it up) which is covered in self esteem studies and training.
2006-07-25 00:40:49 · answer #6 · answered by jimrich 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Show them how awesome it is to be independant. as well as the stresses that she can overcome.
2006-07-24 23:51:09 · answer #7 · answered by niceguy4agze 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
don't let her make you her fall back person. simply don't do anything for her she will either starve to death or get up and do it herself.
2006-07-24 23:54:19 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋