Help! Can you help me?

Question

My boyfriend who promised me the world... told me that he loved me. And I believed it! Last May he needed $200 to for a consulate appointment to get a visa to come visit me.. and he asked for my help. I sent it. He told me that they "denied" his visa..and the money was nonrefundable. It wasn't until last week.. he told me he doesn't love me and that he doesn't want to be friends anymore. AND.... he admitted that he "USED" me all this time (a period of 3 years.. we met when he was in bible college in the U.S. He graduated last year.. went home due a teaching contract in his country at a bible institute).My heart is broken. I honestly believed in his goodness because of his profession. I was mistaken. I have spent at least three thousand dollars on long distance... not to mention presents.. on birthdays, Christmas..etc... I am asking for advice on how to deal with this.. I am hurting.. Please help!

To make matters worst.. we were intimate. I feel used in the worst way. Should I ask for my money back or what? The question isn't about the money, it's about the way he went about everything....

I am genuinely asking for help. Those of you who are responding insultingly are being reported.

Answer 1

Want honest advice? Read on:

a) Just forget about the money because you have spent it out of your own wish. It is the cost of risk that you had taken in this relationship so just consider it as gone money that never belonged to you. More you try to recover it now, it can only give you pain. If you deserve that money, one way or other it will come back you.

b) Mistakes and tragedies are not so important. What is important: Learning from them. Move on. Every minute you are spending on it which is not going to change what had happened, you are eating out from your life at hand. If you don't move on and get stuck crying about it, you are letting your life at hand become past every second and you will not get this life again.

c) Get yourself in control. Every penny you spent was your decision. Don't repent it because it just makes those moments void that your enjoyed. Consider it a good thing tuned bad. Don't let those memories get spoiled. Truth is as true as you believe in it. Consider your past moment to be true and believe that something happened to your friend which changed him. Accept that change because you can't do anything about it but save the past to cherish because you did enjoy it. Money that you sacrificed in past is worth the happiness it brought to you. Let them remain good memories. Move on and stop thinking about your friend for future because you still have life ahead that you can live with ever more happiness.

d) One can leave his/her Karma but Karma never leaves one. If you have remained honest through out, your good Karma will pay for you and will do good for you in future. If you friend has cheated you, trust me, one way or other he will end up paying for it without failure, that's given. Leave it to mother nature.

e) What ever happens, happens for good. Who knows if this would have continued what other trouble you might get into which even could cause you your life. So trust God that this change has happened for good and it brings you opportunity to get your life straight and give better meaning to it. Afterall, there are more to life than romance. Once you are out there, you will be okay.

Hope it helps. Live the life while you can, because you never know when it will end...

Answer 2

Well, let's hope you mature from this as you are pretty naive. Let's hope you pick better next time. Let's hope that you actually find out what kinda of character, morals and ethics and so on that a person has before you sleep with them and give them money lol. You gotta take the responsibility on this, You picked him. You also closed your eyes to the truth and believed what you wanted to. The very first time he lied or treated you in some bad way, the alarm bells should have gone off. But noooo, you were too busy being in love. So you stayed with him and let him use you some more. Let's hope you have really learned something from all of this. Otherwise you are in for one unhappy life and possibly getting pregnant by some creep. Maybe you should stay out of relationships until you grow up some and have more life experience and can make wise decisions and be a better judge of someones character. Just a thought.

BY THE WAY, this is not an insult, it's the truth. It's hard to believe by your added comment to your question that you can be insulted considering you just told the world that you foolishly slept with, put up with crap from and gave money to a guy that you never should have done any of these things with. I thought that a good Christian did not sleep around out of a married committed relationship? Yet you are whinning, that this guy was in a Bible class? What about your own actions and responsibilty? Apparently you think you have none and that it was all HIS fault. No wonder you are in the mess you are in. And you don't have the maturity to handle a proper relationship. I'd be really embarrassed if I were you instead of insulted lol. You really are not looking for help at all. You are just looking to get sympathy. The fact that you cannot even admit that you should have never done what you did with this guy on many levels, and that you picked a bad guy is proof of that. Get outta of the "oh poor me" mode and look at the truth, look at your own morals and values and eithics and your own part in all of this. That is what you really need to do instead of feeling "insulted".

Apparently "arnoldmick" poster below agrees and brings up the same points that I have and has done it well and not insulted you either. Again, we have both just told the truth, whether you like it or not or are even able to see that. The truth is always still the truth.

Answer 3

I'm sorry to hear about your situation. But it sounds like you're making progress just from the fact that you can speak about it and ask others for help. As for the money you may be able to take him to small claims court, but also remember to sue not just for the money, but for court costs and any lawyer or consultant fees so you don't pay anything more in the end. As for getting beyond his using...
That's not an easy thing to do. Part of this is a learning experience that hopefully will help you in matters of the heart later in life. Love and finding the right man are still worth the emotional risk, but in the future you may be more reserved and be able to see things about the person you're dating with a clearer mind. If you're religious, ask God for strength and peace. Use your experience to help others that might be in similar situations. Sometimes helping others can go a long way towards self-healing. And remember that none of this is your fault. You did and felt everything you did with the deepest trust and the purest intentions in your heart. You were decieved and lied to. You are a person that deserves better than such things. You deseve to be loved.
You ask said he was here for a bible college? In all honesty, you may want to write his place of employment and tell them the kind of employee they have working at their bible institute. Who knows, maybe they should check their accounting books.
I hope that you find peace and wisdom after this ordeal. Take care.

Answer 4

If he scammed you for visa money I assume he is out of the country. If that is the case I don't think much can be done. I doubt, very seriously, that you will ever recover your money. If it is possible will the time and effort be worth it?

I suggest you chalk it up as a learning experience, and really learn from it. The cost is significant but as lessons go it was not outrageous, most of mine have been more expensive.

It may not be fair but I have learned, after several costly experiences, that a typical Christian is a person I don't want to associate with and I never ever want one behind me. I have allowed it a few times and I have had to have knives removed from my back every time.

Answer 5

First, add up all of the money that you "loaned" to this individual over the years, and file a claim in small claims court.

Second, learn from this experience. I guess the old saying is somewhat true - Neither borrower, nor lender be.

Third, don't let this experience discourage your faith in God. God will never let you down, but a MAN (person) will - whether s/he means to or not. And don't worry, God knows what this guy did, and He will be sure that this guy gets his just reward.

Lastly, you can send a letter to the governing board of the place that he has/had the contract with in his home country making them aware of his actions. Also, keep several copies for other churches in his home country. While it may not get him "banned" from the pulpit, it will make churches that he may "apply" to leary of having him on their staff if they ever contact the board for background information on this individual.

I hope this helps.

DeBeaux28

Answer 6

Sounds like a costly lesson, but I would take it as that and move on. Swindlers are so good at their jobs that anyone can be taken in. Don't feel bad that you were such a helpful person. Be glad you have the experience now and go find someone who will appreciate your kindness.

Sorry you had to learn the hard way, but now you know. I wouldn't feel bad asking him to repay some of the money, though, since he admitted he has been using you. If he doesn't want to, though, he's just not that great of a person (as you know) and I wouldn't waste any more time on him.

Answer 7

Well, one way to deal with it, is, did you keep any records that proove you loaned the money? Receipts? Or even if you sent checks, your bank would have them.

You could try suing him. Or, if he admitted to using you, maybe that could be played as a scam...now he's guilty of grand larceny.

Or, did he ever promise to marry you? You can sue him for palimony.

Now....do any of those options make you feel better? They might, for a while. But unfortunately for this creep, the best thing you can do is let it go, or you will let the bitterness of this situation eat at you for years.

Also realize, he's the jerk...he may be using God just like he's using you. God is just as dissapointed and saddened as you are about this.

Find a healthy release of your anger and then never give this guy a second thought.

Answer 8

There is really no help to be given. The money, and all, will just have to be chalked up the the cost of a valuable lesson. However, there is something that you can take from the experience. The fact that your heart is broken, and that you are hurting so, is confirmation that you have within you a huge capacity for love. Treasure that knowledge. You have a great gift to give... your love. You just need to be a little more careful, next time, upon whom you bestow it.

Answer 9

I am sorry to hear that you were deceived. Some times we learn things in odd ways. You have learned some things. It might be best to report the incident to the administration of the college you attended and to the college to which he contracted to teach. People need to know of this person's deceptiveness. On the other hand, it is best some times to consider the money you spent as tuition in the school of hard knocks. Pick yourself up and move on; don't dwell on the issue. Carefully look for new friends. And get a blood test for AIDS.

Answer 10

I'm apalled that he did these things to you while he was in bible school of all places! Just learn from this mistake and move on with your life. I've done things similar to this before where I was just trying to help people and then they walked right out the door on me. Don't ever give money to anyone, EVER. Unless it's a family member and it's a VERY serious issue, don't fork over so much as a penny.

It can be hard thinking someone is in need and you have the means to help them. But don't do it. Think of it this way: Unless that person bails themself out and pays for their own life, they will never grow as a person. So do them a favor and let them fend for themself.

Blessed be.

Answer 11

Let me be sure I got this right: You met this creep in BIBLE COLLEGE and you were "intimate" with him? And he returned to his country of origin to become a teacher in a BIBLE INSTITUTE? (!) And now you want someone to pat you on the head and say "Oh what a poor abused li'l girl you is, shame on him!" Well, my dear, you made your bed and now you have to lie in it. You brought it on yourself, darlin'. An expensive lesson - but let's hope you learn from it. Now - about your morals: the purpose of Bible Colleges is to prepare the student for the Christian ministry. And you chose to be intimate with such a person? Yes, one would hope that you're really experiencing quite a bit of distress, embarrassment and shame. 'Cause you should - you should. I hope it hurts for a year! Then you can get over it and move on - and see if you can behave a bit more responsibly and certainly with a bit more self-respect. And next time you choose to get horizontal, do it with your eyes wide open. Sorry child, but that's the best way to learn a very harsh lesson - by getting bitten in the butt! That's life - learn from it.