I recently sat down with my fiance's to get a wedding invite list together and he showed me some pictures of his uncle and then I realized that I'd had sex slept with him a few years ago. Obviously my husband was going to invite him,but I said I didn't feel well and he said we could do it this weekend. I do not know what to do. I could tell him, because it was before I knew him and two years ago. Or I could suggest we elope and then no one gets invited. I don't know what to do. I just have all these thoughts going through my mind.
2006-07-24 14:02:39 · 34 answers · asked by readinginpark 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
Nothing will happen if everybody (the 2 of you) just keeps their cool. This was before you knew you fiance. At the time he was just another guy. This is good advice for any and all affairs before you met your fiance. The past is over, dead, gone. There is nothing that can be done to change it. Don't talk about it. Refuse to talk about it.
If you want to be sure, talk to uncle in private, soon. Tell him you would appreciate it if he understood that there is no reason to bring this up. If he is any kind of a real man, he will be discrete.
2006-07-24 14:25:05 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 3⤊ 5⤋
Is there any chance it could just look like someone you slept with? Or is it for sure the same person?
Unless your husband thinks you’re a virgin he knows you slept with other men. The thing that makes this awkward is that they are related, and that there is a generational gap.
If they are not very different in age it isn't too bad. If the uncle is 20 years older than your husband that is going to be a little harder.
I recommend talking to your minister, or if you don't have one find a marriage and family counselor you trust (ask around) and meet with them at least one time by yourself and talk it out. Then decide how to bring it up with your fiancé.
I think you should probably bring it up before the wedding. This is the sort of thing that could definitely hurt trust if you wait. Plus you do not want the uncle to turn red and run out, or worse come up and put his hand around your waist when he is drunk.
I do not think the marriage is off. You should be able to bring this up with your fiancé is some kind of way that works out. After all you didn't really do anything "bad" here. You didn't cheat on him, you haven't lied to him. All you need to do is disclose something to him that might make him feel embarrassed.
If the uncle is a gentleman he will never mention it again and you can all just move along. Or if that isn't how this family works it will become a huge joke, that will diffuse the tension and you will have to listen to every holiday till someone else does something more scandalous.
Good luck
2006-07-24 14:12:04 · answer #2 · answered by Crystal Violet 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Hold on here! You had sex and slept with your fiances Uncle. Does your uncle know that you are marrying his nephew? I wonder how he will feel when he finds out. Maybe he will be as shocked as you were when he finds out ! I suspect that you have not yet been introduced to some of your fiances family members. Perhaps you sould tell your fiance that you would like to meet all of the people invited to your wedding before the big day.
If I was in your Uncles position I would keep your secret and seeing as this happened a few years ago It appears that neither of you are interested in getting close with each other again.
Stay cool and let things progress as they may.
things have a way of sorting themselves out.
GOOD LUCK!
2006-07-24 14:36:36 · answer #3 · answered by misterbig356 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Was it a fling? I guess it should be one. I think you should try contacting the uncle and ask him to play along like you do not know each other. If he's not a jerk, he'd do what you suggest. Then problem solved and everybody's happy.
However, if he refuses, you ought to come clean with your husband. Unless he's holding on to the idea that his bride-to-be is still a virgin. Then it might be abit of a blow to him. If not, it happened before you and your husband got together, so he can't really blame you for that.
On second thought, you might wanna consider telling your husband the truth anyway. Cos personally, I feel it's best to start a marriage on a clean slat. We Chinese have a saying, 'A paper can never enclose a fire for long' The paper will just burn down to ashes eventually. Hence, being truthful would be the best way to go bout this I suppose.
Good luck! Hope everything works out for you. =)
2006-07-24 14:16:21 · answer #4 · answered by The Late Night Scribbler. 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Oh! you are in trouble, I do not think the wedding is off. Sit your fiance down and explain the situation to him. Make sure you tell him that you did not know he was his uncle and it happened before you met him. If he really loves you he would understand, after all he must have had some other girlfriends who he slept with before he met you.
Make sure you tell him before the wedding so you and your fiance would decide if you want to invite the uncle or not. If you invite the uncle, make sure he knows of the situation.
I know this is a sticky situation, I hope this works for you and you have a nice wedding
Good luck.
2006-07-24 14:12:17 · answer #5 · answered by Floating on air. 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I am one of the unltra-conservatives. But, I do not think you need to say a word. Is your uncle going to say anything? Unless you were working as a hooker, probably not.
The benefits of complete honesty in all things is a hoax. In general, it is good to be honest WITHIN the marriage, but you don't have to be honest about every little thing that happened before marriage, as long as it doesn't affect your marriage.
My wife and I have been married for 31 years. I am well aware I was not her first lover, nor the second, but it matters not to my marriage, as long as I am the LAST.
On another question, a number of women admitted they masturbated. Do those of you who advocate total honestly, really believe a woman should tell her husband that? I hope not.
If his uncle knows you by name, note the address on the invitation, and call him, and ask him honestly if he is going to say anything, or if he has any objections to your marriage to his nephew. If he is or does, you had better skip this marriage.
If it was so casual that he didn't even know your name, hon, you have a cousin who is studying in England or any other far away nation that looks so much like you that people confuse you.
It would be better not to have this pickle, but we conservatives do believe people can change their lives if they want to.
Do be sure to change your life. Office affairs cause a large percentage of divorces, vow not to stray again.
2006-07-24 14:18:02 · answer #6 · answered by retiredslashescaped1 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Don't ever again let anyone tell you that illicit sex doesn't have a consequence. It seems to have followed you.
If there's nothing current going on between you and the uncle, you probably should invite him (if he's on the normal invite list), and act naturally at the wedding and the reception. If there is something going on currently between you and the uncle you should postpone the weddig, and seek a resolution of some kind.
2006-07-24 14:12:47 · answer #7 · answered by me 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Omg!! TELL HIM!! The issue , if it comes out later, will no longer be about what happened in the past, but about why you did not feel you could be straight with your best friend, life mate etc, and about the feeling of betrayal that WILL be inherant in the discovery that his UNCLE knows something about you(and therefore, in a way, about him and his relationship and life), that he doesn't.This is WAY more important (no shared secrets with others, that may affect your partner) than anything that may have happened. Trust would definitley be affected in a negative way by such a thing, and probability of it being revealed is high. Also, you will, in many subtle ways, be tense and unnnatural because of the lie, and THAT will affect trust. Just be honest.Really--it will be worth the sweaty palms , a thousand times over. :) Good luck.
2006-07-24 14:29:57 · answer #8 · answered by ? 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It happened before you met, don't worry about it. No reason for the wedding to be off..if you feel the need for disclosure tell your fiance that you and the uncle went out long ago and leave it at that...that way, if somehow it gets mentioned somewhere down the road, he's aware of it and won't feel you were hiding anything...you don't need to tell him y'all had sex, when people date nowadays, sex is pretty much assumed...
2006-07-24 14:06:10 · answer #9 · answered by . 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It seems the question of morality is a moot point nowadays. Most of the advice I see from the other "ladies" here seems to lean toward "it's in the past, it was before you met him, it doesn't matter, blah, blah, blah...." You screwed up, deal with it. If you want to even have a prayer of making a life with this guy, be honest, ask him to forgive you, and if he does, good for you. If not, well, better now than later. But if he doesn't, you might consider keeping your legs together until you are married.
2006-07-24 16:16:23 · answer #10 · answered by Canned Spam 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If it was before you met it shouldn't matter at all. If you tell him and he gets angry about it and won't forgive you, better off to find out now that he is unreasonable than after you walk down the aisle. If he is a good guy, he wouldn't care about your past and he would realize that you are starting a life together and what is in the past should remain there.
2006-07-24 14:06:38 · answer #11 · answered by dmc81076 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋