i need some help please( more info then before)?

Question

ok im 15 my brother is 17 and my sister is 11 and about 3 years ago my parents got divorced because my dad was cheating on her. well my mom got full custody and my dad lived about 30 minutes away in apartments and we visited him like every other week. we lived with only our mom for about a year. but then we moved to texas when our dad was in georgia. we all missed him alot. when we moved my mom married my stepdad. it all goes downhill from here. we all never got along with our stepdad and we had ABSOLUTELY nothing in common with him. my mom and brother would always yell and argue because it seemed like my mom was choosing our stepdad over us. so after 6 months my brother moved and lived with my dad. after that me and my stepdad and mom always got into alot of arguements some days it was good and others its REALLY bad. i kinda feel like i cant leave and live with my dad cause i feel i have to stay cause my mom does love me. i love my dad ALOT and this summer we got to stay with him.....

it was the best summer of my life and im really considering livig there but my dad told me i can anytime i want to but he wants e to stay to take care of my mom cause my stepdad is the laziest and doesnt do anthing but work , come home, closes his door and sits on the computer. before we had such an open loving family now we have such a dull gray family. me and my mom starting arguing on the phon over the summer and i asked her to choose my stepdad over me. well she said she cant and that she doesnt want to choose but she has to pick him because even though we dont like him shes the one thats gonna have to live with him after we move out. this really tore me up. no theres this big gap in between me and my mom ever since we got back. i tried talking to her but she doesnt listen and tries to make me mad at my dad for breaking up the family. should i live with my dad or my mom?

Answer 1

Wow, you are in a really tough spot. Did you know that God hates divorce? Not the people who divorce, but the act itself. I'm sure it's because He knows how much pain it causes all the people involved, especially the kids. He says it covers the family "in garments of anger". I'll bet you can relate to that.
It might help you to remember the amount of pain your mom has felt since your dad cheated on her. There is absolutely no higher form of betrayal, except for incest. My guess is that your mom remarried pretty quickly in order to try to relieve some of that pain, and maybe didn't give you kids enough time to adjust to both the divorce and the move. Those are two MAJOR tough things to deal with, and putting them on top of each other, along with a new marriage, is incredibly hard to deal with. Just the fact that you still love her and are torn apart about what to do says a lot about how you were raised before all this happened.
You sound like a very loving person who cares a lot about both your parents, even like you've forgiven your dad for his affair. I think all you can do is keep loving them both, but let them know that you'd really like to live in peace and harmony and as long as the fighting goes on with your mom, it can't be with her. Don't ask her to choose between you and your stepdad. You'll only make things worse. You might ask her if you can all go in to family counseling. That would let her know you are willing to work through and learn to live with the new situations in your family without being so accusatory as to say that she always sides with stepdad.
I hope any of this helps. My heart goes out to you, but I think you sound like a really neat teen with a good head on your shoulders and a loving heart. You'll make it through okay, and now you'll know that when you do marry, divorce will not be an option when you and your spouse are having trouble. This tough time can make you a stronger person later in life.

Answer 2

It's not such a simple question, honey. Do you think there is any chance of repairing the relationship between you and your mom? Have you considered asking your mom if you and your sister and she and even your step-father can get some family counseling?

I really think you would all benefit from having an outside expert who can listen to all sides and help to direct you all in the right direction for addressing some of these issues.

I understand you feel as though you and your step-father have nothing in common, but you both have your mother in common. Is there any chance you could ask him if you can chat (not yell) about some of your important feelings? He is no doubt feeling very much like an interloper in your household.

It is very imperative that you do everything you can to repair the relationship with your mom. Once you have made every effort to get into counseling about that, you will feel better equipped to make decisions about your future.

My children were very "in-touch" when they were 15. I was surprised to see how much they saw that I was trying to protect them from. After I realized that, I began asking their opinions about things that might or would directly affect them. They had keen insights and good ideas.

If you can't talk to your mom without getting into a yelling match, WRITE her a letter. Write your step-father a letter. Tell them both what your fears are, what is happening that is making you feel as though you and your sister have become less important than you should be. Write it all down. They will read them and even if they don't say anything, at least part of it will sink in.

Good luck with your situation. I hope things get easier for you all.

Answer 3

You should not make this decision right now.

You need to ask your mom and your dad and specifically NOT your stepdad to go to family counseling with you. Talk with your school guidance counselor first, to find out what he or she thinks about this, and your guidance counselor will be able to help you and your parents find a family counselor to work over these issues. It sounds like the divorce has really cause you and your family a lot of hurt and pain, started a lot of arguments, and led to some potentially unintentional but hurtful things being said. Your mom is probably stressed and sad and hurting over your brother leaving, so her response to you was probably out of that pain, thinking that all of her children will leave her the same way - in anger and spite, and she will be all alone excpet for this man she has married. It's not just hard on you, it's hard on her, and on your siblings and on dad. There's so much more going on in this than you'll find help for here in Y!A but this is a good first step. Let a counselor help your family find some peace and harmony. When you go, see if you can get your siblings to go sometimes, too. Especially your older brother.

Good luck.

Answer 4

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Answer 5

If you are happier with your dad, live with him. It seems like there is more peace at your father's house than with your mom. I know you love both of your parents. It's hard when you know that your dad has wronged your mother. My best advice is to live wherever the environment is the most stable. Right now, that seems to be your dad's place. You are at a critical time in your life where you learn how to act like an adult. The less turmoil around you, the better.

Answer 6

I'm sure that your mom and dad both love you very much and you should love them both as well. My advice to you is to find a good church to attend and to develop a relationship with Jesus. He can help with this confusing situation and He can take a lot of pressure off of you. Talk to the Lord, He's always listening. Ask Him to guide you and to comfort you. Ask Him to put you where He wants you. He knows everything that's going to happen before it happens. I'm praying for you. God Bless.

Answer 7

i think that you should live with your dad cause it sounds like he loves you a lot and treats you way better.im sure your mom loves you to but if she'll pick your step dad over you than you should pick your dad over her i mean you should go see your mom and stuff and spend time with her and call her and stuff but i think you would me a lot happier with your dad and less depressed.so i hope you take my edvice and good luck with all that.

Answer 8

mostly live with your mom but visit your dad sometimes thats cool but if there's a step mom don't like her because your mom might get mad i think i hope not