unsettled with family's decision?

Question

recently I lost an uncle unexpectedly to suicide. Due to financial situations and timing the family here was unable to fly to the other side of the country to pay our last respects. So a family get together/memorial was planned.

It has just been cancelled due to one family members emotional state after this death occured. I am unsettled because the way I see it is you don't cancel a furneral when someone dies so why would we do that. I always thought of my family as one that came together for one another. Now they seem to have just brushed off this event and I don't know how to deal with it.

Am I being selfish? When all I wanted were answers and closure and to say goodbye with my family by my side.

No one even knows how he did when exactly what was wrong and its been torturing me for two weeks now.

Should I just go on with my life? Or take a stand and let my family know how I feel

Answer 1

It was a suicide and for many people, especially relatives that is an embarrassment. He wasn't strong enough for whatever reason and has killed himself, so some people would believe that it will relfect bad on their family that someone was so unstable....what if more members of the family are unstable? No one wants their sanity questioned by the actions of another they had no control over.
Obviously everyone is going to have to ask for time off to fly out there. Co-workers are going to find out and eventually someone is going to ask "How did he die?" A tough thing to have to answer regardless of how it happened.

You should stand up to your family. Let them know that no matter what this needs closure, not swept under the rug because people were uncomfortable with what happened. It may be that they are even upset or feel helpless because they didn't see the signs or weren't there to help. Running from your fears or problems isn't going to help in the long run. No one wants to be haunted by something like this.
I'm sorry he is dead, I'm sorry your family seems to be pulling back from all this. You do what you need to do to find closure with his death, the others will hopefully follow your example.
If you need someone to talk to, I'm around okay?
Take care and best wishes.

Answer 2

Well... are you selfish? I don't know. Is the person who's mental state is so compromised, that having the memorial service would be damaging to his/her mental/physical health selfish? Do you focus on the dead or do you help the person who is devastated about the loss?

Does your right to pay your last respect overrides other person's emotional illness caused by the same loss? - and vise versa?

I think there IS no answer to this question. You certainly should speak your mind - not angrily like you did here but should say how you feel. THEN go on with your life.

I'm guessing everybody's emotion is on roller-coaster. Just be aware, EVERYBODY is hurting in their own way. Get help from family member and provide help to others.

Personally, I do not place much importance in formality of the things. I just would like to focus on what it was meant to do - which is simply give a setup to do what you want to do.

By the way, you don't need a funeral or memorial service to say good bye.

I think, you are hurt deeply by this incident. That's probably why YOU NEED this memorial service. Go-ahead. Talk with your family. Everybody is probably in different, but equally difficult state. Seek counsel ling if you need to.

Answer 3

Suicide is really hardest on those left behind.
If the family memorial service has been cancelled and you still want to remember this uncle with a special memorial then you can have one with just yourself and do whatever you think will honor the memory of your uncle...play music, read a poem or from the Bible, go to a place he loved, just whatever you want to design.
the family left behind is tortured because they question the act esp the "why" when in reality only the person gone can answer that question accurately. there are not a lot of answers but it helps to try to focus on the LIFE of the loved one not the how the loved one died. it takes time and even years from now the guilt of the left behind will surface at moments.

Answer 4

A memorial service was definitely a good idea considering you couldn't make it to the funeral it shows that you have respect. What I don't understand is why it could not have been changed by the grieving person to a later date as the initial shock should have already passed.For many people a funeral or memorial means closure. It might be easier for you to plan a memorial at this stage and let every one no what you are doing , so that they can choose whether to attend or not, at least you will have some closure for yourself.

Answer 5

Sounds like you need closure. How you get that really doesn't matter as long as its acheived.

If your family doesn't seem to care one way or the other you might have to do something on your own.

You can plant flowers under a tree in his honor, light candles at church and say a prayer for him, write him a letter with everything you wanted to say to him and then burn it in a little ceremony with a family member or trusted friend. Any of these would make you feel alot better about this and bring you a sense of closure.

Answer 6

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Answer 7

You can talk to your family about it but i guess you know better. I say just pray for him/her to find heavenly place. No you are not selfish at all.

Answer 8

you have to find a way to mourn for yourself. maybe taking a trip to his grave will put you at ease. and for sure you should talk to someone you trust just to get your feelings out.