best joke gets 10 points?

Answer 1

The Three Worst Chinese Tortures

Once upon a time a starving man named Harry Enis was walking in the middle of a Chinese forest when he stumbled upon a huge mansion. It was close to nightfall and he had no where to stay, no food, and nothing to make camp; so he walked up to the mansion and rang the doorbell. A very ancient man with a long beard brushing the floor answered the loud, clanging gong. Harry begged for a place of shelter, and the old man pittied him and let him stay. At dinner the old man introduced Harry to his daughter, Naomi(i moan backwards). She was the meaning of beauty, and Harry instantly fell for her - mostly because he hadn't done it in a while, due to his disposition of starving and homeless in a forest. - ANYWAY - The old man saw Harry eyeing his daughter and said to him, "If you touch my daughter, I will subject to you the three worst Chinese tortures."


That night Harry snuck out of his room and into Naomi's. Having been cooped up in this old mansion for so long, she had no objections.


In the morning he woke up, and after 10 minutes decided that something heavy was on his chest stopping him from breathing properly. He opened his eyes to find a 50 kilo rock on his chest with sign on it that said "First Chinese Torture: 50 kilo rock on chest." Thinking that it wasn't that heavy he picked it up and threw it out the window. As the rock fell out the window he noticed a sign on the bottom that said "Second Chinese Torture: Rock tied to right testicle." In a panic he jumped out the window, what man wouldn't? Unfortunately he looked up and saw the sign on the bottom of the window sill "Third Chinese Torture: left testicle tied to bed post."

Answer 2

Get ready for these....

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Diploma.
Diploma who?
Diploma is here to fix the sink.

Doctor: I have terrible news. You have cancer and Alzheimer's
Patient:Well, at least I don't have cancer.

Yo' mama is so short you can see her feet in her drivers license!

A termite walks into a bar and says "Is the bar tender here?"

Yo' mama is so fat that she is half Irish, half Italian and half American.

If H20 is on the inside of a fire hydrant then what's on the outside?
K9P

Why do so many blondes move to L.A.?
It's easy to spell.

What did the elephant say to the naked man?
It's cute, but can you really breath through that thing?

Did you hear what Saddam and Miss Muffet were talking about last week?
They have the same problem; Kurds in their whey.

Why does Piglet smell so bad?
He always plays with Pooh.

The priest was caught fooling around with his housekeeper.
Apparently they found his vest in her pantry and her pants in his vestry.

What's Irish and stays out all night?
Paddy O' furniture.

how did the mouse feel after the cat chased it through the screen door?
Strained.

What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Most people can roast beef but have you ever heard of anyone who could pee soup?

Say lettuce and spell cup.
Let us see you pee!

Look down and spell attic.
A ti-ti I see!

What do you use to repair a tuba?
A tuba glue.

Sex on television can't hurt....unless you fall off.

Nurse: "Doctor, there is an invisible man in the waiting room!"
Doctor: "Well, tell him I can't see him yet."

What does a dog do that a man steps into?
Pants.

What goes CLOP CLOP CLOP CLOP BANG BANG
CLOP CLOP CLOP?
An Amish drive-by shooting.

What's the difference between a saloon and an elephant's fart?
One is a barroom and the other is a BARRROOOOM!!!

Patient: What's the matter doctor?
Doctor: I can't figure out what's wrong with you but I think it's the result of heavy drinking
Patient: All right then. I'll just come back when you're sober.

So this guy walks into this drugstore and asks the pharmacist "Do you have cotton balls?" and the pharmacist says "What is this, a joke?"

A priest, a rabbi, a lawyer, a bonde, a redneck and a dog walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says "What is this, a joke?"

and finally................

Yo' mama is so fat she can't even fit in a chat room!

Answer 3

Tragedy Defined

Jesse Jackson, while visiting a primary school class, found himself
in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The
teacher asks the Rev. Jackson if he would like to lead
the discussion on the word "tragedy."

So the illustrious leader asks the class for an example of a
"tragedy." One little boy stood up and offered: "If my
best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a runaway
tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that would be a tragedy.?

"No," says the Great Jesse Jackson, "that would be an accident."

A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50
children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside,
that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not," explains the exalted spiritual leader. "That's
what we would call a ! great loss."

The room goes silent. No other children volunteer.

Rev. Jackson searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can
give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally at the back of the room a small boy raises his hand. In a
quiet voice he says: "If a plane carrying the Rev. Jackson were struck
by a missile and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy."

"Fantastic!" exclaims Jackson, "That's right. And can
you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"

"Well," says the boy, "because it sure as hell
wouldn't be a great loss, and it probably wouldn't be an accident either."

Answer 4

two drunks are walking down a railway
one drunk says to the other
this is along flight of stairs
the otherdrunk says its not the long flight of stairs im worried about its the low handrails.

Answer 5

theres 2 eggs boiling in a pot.1 egg says to the other "look i got a crack!" the other egg replies "no use telling me,im not bloody hard yet!"

Answer 6

a skeleton walks in to a bar he orders a beer





and a mop

Answer 7

ur mamas like the internet, shes world wide

Answer 8

What did the plant in the math classromm do?

Answer 9

What do you call a Jamaican gynecologist?

Pokemon

Answer 10

even chickens do it!