How old should my baby be when she learns about her daddy?

Question

my babys daddy is in prison and will be until 15 more years. my baby Laniquisha is only 4 when should I tell her and should I take her to go visit in prison

Answer 1

That's a rough spot to be in. You might get better answers at http://www.prisontalk.com where you can ask people who are in the same position how they've dealt with these issues.
You can explain being in prison by comparing the laws for grown ups to the rules she has to follow and explaining how if you break rules when you're a grown up, sometimes the judge gives you a really big time out.
As for the visiting room being dangerous...HA! I'm safer there than in the parking lot at my grocery store! I regularly visit at a maximum security State Prison and can assure you that the visiting area is VERY safe, the inmates are all too involved in their own visits to be bothering with anyone else, the rules are well enforced and there are correctional officers nearby at all times (in the room, usually 3, sometimes 4)...and keep in mind that the guys who have disciplinary problems inside don't get regular visits, so there won't be people in the room who have been violent inside the prison. "Contact Visits", the kind where you get to be in the same room and sit together, are a privilege and most inmates won't do anything to risk losing that privilege.
I've seen little ones in the room and they seem to be having a pretty good time.
If I were in your shoes, I'd take her once and see how it goes, if it goes well, continue, if it upsets her, then wait until she's older and just keep them in touch through letters.
Trust me,she'll be furious with you later if she learn that you could have kept her father in her life and did not, and there is nothing unsafe about the visiting areas...they are a lot like a badly decorated cafeteria, bland but not at all menacing.

Answer 2

I'm sorry but I have no idea why anyone would subject their child to seeing a parent in prison....That is not a good idea....You will be putting her in a dangerous place, with dangerous people and letting others see his kid could cause issues inside too. Given that there are a lot of baby rapers in prison...do you really want to give them something to look at? You can tell her that her dad is away for awhile and show her pictures of him to let her know what he looks like, but if his crime got him 15 years he must be in a level 2 prison or higher and prison is NOT a good environment for a child of any age.

Answer 3

wow... i don't exactly know what i would do... how old was the child when he went to prison? what's he there for? if she finds out he's in prison you KNOW she will repeat it to people through her school years, and then certain parents won't let their child associate with your child... my husband works for parole and probation and he would NEVER let our children associate with a child that had a questionable parent (even though that sounds harsh... it's true). i would want to protect my child from the truth... i don't know how i would do it but i would find a way. i'm not saying it's right for my husband and i to have social stigmas in regards to felons...but it's a reality. i'm just honest enough to admit it...

i just don't think you should tell the child that her dad is in prision until she understands the social consequences of telling the "secret". if i were you, I WOULD go to see a psychologist and ask how to deal with the upcoming questions your child is apt to have about her father... and the entire situation.

i do wish you THE BEST of luck... you have some tough choices to make and i don't envy that!

Answer 4

As soon as she starts asking questions about her father,begin to explain to her in a way a child can comprehend.
"Well your daddy can't live with us beacause he did something naughty.Because he was naughty,a judge told him he has to live someplace far away from us until the judge will let him come home to us.But he misses you all the time."
Something along this line is sufficient until she's about five.Don't tell her too much at a time.Be regular about it when you do start visiting him,so that she has a clear sense of him.Help her to write him,and teach her -by example- to pray for him.
Be careful to bring her up well so that this generation of Black youths doesn't experience life only from behind prison gates,be they physical or spiritual.Let the horror of being Black and imprisoned end now in your lineage.

Answer 5

I think you tell her some right now, adding details as she gets older and as you feel she is capable to understand. maybe now the only thing you can tell her is that daddy did something bad, and he has to go away for awhile as a punishment. She would probably understand what a time out is, so you can tell her he's on a long time out.

Answer 6

Whatever did that baby do to you that you would land that name on her? Tell her Daddy is away and show her a picture of him. That is all she needs until she is much older.

Answer 7

Yes. She has the right to know her dad. Just because he is in prison, doesn't mean he loves her any less, it just means he has made mistakes. He probably has somewisdom for her down the road. If the dad wants to see her, I would let him.

Answer 8

You should tell your daughter and be honest with her but maybe start taking her to see him when she is about 5 1/2 - 6.
But defintely start telling her now and add details here and there.

Answer 9

I believe in age appropriate honesty from day 1. Be honest without being cruel or harsh.

Answer 10

Don't tell her!

Let her come to you with the question. Children are smart, don't give her more then she asks you about and TELL HER THE TRUTH.
I HOPE THAT WHEN HE IS RELEASED HE WILL BE A BETTER MAN.