Going crazy with worry?

Question

Anyone have advice on how to stop worrying about others? Most of my life, I've tried to fix other peoples problems. If my husband is upset, I have to make him happy, if my son is sad, I have to take care of him. It's gotten to the point that my head is in a permanent spin. I take on everyones problems and can't calm down until I solve them. I'm beginning to not even want to be with anyone because if they mention anything negative, I'll try to help, even if they don't ask...How do I stop??

Answer 1

You asked: How do I stop worrying about others?

Is that the question a caring person like you should ideally be asking? If you stop, who will help your husband and son?

Instead of asking "How do I stop?", consider asking:

How do I learn to better teach the people I care about how to solve their own problems?

Your feelings of "going crazy" may be a result of the people around you repeating the same problems and not learning how to solve them on their own. I think some people go seriously crazy as a result of: a) feeling like there is no solution to their recurring problems, or b) believing something is right when everyone around them says it is wrong.

"Worry" gets a bad rap often. "Worry" can be a good thing when it is managed well. "Worry" is sometimes another word for "concern", concern to an excess or concern with a negative connotation.

I think we "worry" because we care about real problems that need real solutions. Our brain naturally and healthily worries because we intuitively know that some external intervention may be beneficial for our family members.

I love that you are trying to solve the real problems around you. Please don't feel guilty for being so concerned for others. I understand that it can take a toll on you, but you can learn to balance and improve your efforts. And as others have emphasized, take breaks and do personal, restorative activities to improve your mental and physical health. If you hurt yourself, you will be less likely to help the people you care about in the long run.

Some people try to "not worry", BUT THAT CAN BE DAMAGING ALSO! You know the Billy Joel lyric: "You can say the human heart is only make believe, but that is only fighting fire with fire." I think similarly, some people think, "I should ignore or put my worries aside." But do "worries" ever really get "put aside"? If the problems still exist, does burying or denying the worry help you or the people you care about?

You've heard the Serenity Prayer: "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference." While there can be peace found in that mantra, I think some people misuse the mantra to enable their denial and immobility.

You have the opposite problem. You are trying to improve, change & help the people you care about. And you are legitimately and seriously feeling both aggravated and fatigued from possibly trying to fix things that are beyond your control.

But I would rather see courageous and active people like you trying to fix the "unfixable" than to watch people do nothing about the problems in the people they depend on. Keep trying to find better ways to teach the people around you how to a) solve their own problems, and b) become more independent and capable.

If people around you are repeating problems, and your efforts are not teaching them how to solve those specific problems on their own, then it is important for you to:

1) Don't be silent - Express the problem to them as you understand it,

2) Offer your support and continue to support them in all the other areas you do well with them, and

3) REFER THEM TO AN EXTERNAL EXPERT TO ADDRESS THE SPECIFIC ISSUES YOU DON"T HAVE SOLUTIONS FOR. Concede that solving the problem is beyond your expertise and admit that the redundant negative cycle is damaging you (and possibly them). Delegate that narrow issue to an expert who has solved that issue successfully in others. Don't let the failure-redundacy pattern damage you or drive you crazy.

Keep caring, even "worrying" sometimes. You are a good person, and you worry for good, healthy reasons. Your worry will not "stop" if the problems continue, even if you try to guilt or force yourself to "stop worrying."

If your head is spinning on something, admit that you are spinning, and get new, educated, non-familial, & non-co-dependent people involved to help with that narrow issue. Your feelings of "going crazy" will diminish as the real problems around you get capably addressed and/or fixed. If the problems persist, your worry and "crazy" feelings will likely continue. For the things you cannot fix, the Serenity Prayer may provide some peace, but at the same time, keep searching for new solution ideas and getting new experts involved.

Love always.

Answer 2

Me too!!?!! I absolutely hate upsetting people to the point where it is unhealthy. Since I take care of everything without being asked, people walk all over me. I use my husband for an example because he's the worst. I think he's the worst partly because I've spoiled him. Partly because he's problem oriented and I'm solution oriented.

Everytime he makes a negative statement, I have an automatic reaction to do one of two things, take care of it right away so he'll stop nagging or pretend like I can't hear him.

I know it isn't right to do either thing. So, after asking my friends what to do, this is what I'm trying. When a negative comment/demand occurs, I stay put. I try to see what solutions he has for the issue "Honey, what should we do?". If he gets more frustrated or doesn't know what to do, I'll coach him on how to ask me properly. At this point, I still don't jump into action. I wait to be asked directly by him before I do something.

You know what? He doesn't mention the small things so much anymore. I'm the one asking him for more help around the house, etc... I've been doing this with my husband for about 4 months now. Almost ready to start the same kind of thing at work. I miss the praise and the recognition I get from always being the hero. However, my sanity is much more valuable.

You can't do everything! If you can't stop, one day your body is going to stop you.

Answer 3

You are a bad person...
Just kidding. I was in the same situation a few years ago. I would help everyone with everything. One day I needed something simple (Help with some tax forms). I asked for help and was ignored, I asked again and was ignored again. this happened right till the day I had to hand in the forms. It would have taken them less than 15 minutes to help me out but no one did. It was a real eye opener. Now I go out of my way not to help others. They think I am a total *** but I don't care. They still come to me all the time asking for help and I ignore them.
Live your own Life Trust me when I tell you that you are the only one that has any feelings of guilt others feel nothing while walking all over you...
Hope this helps... lol

Answer 4

Join the club. NO DUES. ONLY a one time membership fee payable to me! lol
Actaully I do the same thing. I have an anxiety disorder. Worrying aobut everyone else. Even the Dr said I had to take care of myself! Serioulsy, it sounds to me like you have an anxiety disorder. There are meds and support gorups for this. I am having problems with the meds I am on. The Dr knows this but won't change it. He thinks if he INCREASES the dose I will have LESS problems! Brilliant, huh? I'm seriously thinking of going somwhere else. I am so tired of people NOT believing me.

I'd suggest you do the same and also look into a support group for anxiety. I don't understand how but it DOES help to talk it out!

Answer 5

I think that as women we tend to make everyone elses problem ours, but we shouldn't. I would say that the next time somone has a problem they bring to you - give them suggestions for fixing it themselves, or they will never grow up. I am guilty of much the same thing, I do too much for my sons. But for self preservation reasons we have got to stop, besides if they are sad or upset finding ways to cope is a growth experience for the husband and son. It will help them in the long run, we can't be everywhere for them. Good Luck

Answer 6

I wish I knew the answer to this question. My fiance is really having a heck of a time with his oldest brother in Pakistan. His family calls him and everything is a mess and he has to come to everyone's rescue. I love him dearly for being so loving and compassionate, but all of this stress is really getting to him and it is also affecting our relationship. I don't know what to do to help him through this and to be honest being the kind of guy he is, I really don't think there is anything I can do. I hope someone has some good advice, because I am interested in it also. I pray everything works out for you. This is a hard question for me to even think about trying to answer...I know from first hand experience. God Bless you.

Answer 7

I have a similar problem, though probably not to that extent. It's in your nature to try to make everything better for everyone. It might even be why you're on here now.

Probably you already know about some of the problems associated with that. It's not really a matter of some kind of OC disorder. It's just in your nature. But you have to limit yourself to a few people and causes that really need and deserve your attention. The most important and difficult one is yourself. You need to learn ways to take care of yourself, because no one else will. Everyone will assume you are super-competent and can handle your own problems and don't need their help. Make sure you do something for a few hours every week that does not involve helping others, whether it's taking a long walk in a park with a camera, getting a massage, buying yourself some new pants or shoes you really need. You are important. Be a little selfish and you'll be a lot better for yourself and others. Learn how to say "no", especially when it comes money and people outside your family. Sometimes, people are asking, but they don't really need your help or even want it. Other times they think they need it, but resent you later on for giving so much, since they cannot return the favor. Then there are lots of people who will just use you. Put strict limits on yourself and feel free to excuse yourself, saying "my husband (or son) need me then. Sorry, but I can't spend time with you." Don't allow anyone to call or drop in unannounced, unless it is an extreme emergency, and even then consult with your husband first before you go running to help your friends. Don't let friends use you as a free counselling service. Limit your phone calls to 15 minutes. By now, everyone knows you are such a big-hearted lady and they know they can just mention their problem and you'll try to help them. They're sneaky and manipulative sometimes. What happens if you have the smallest problem? I am sure no one will really take the time to help you, except perhaps your family. Relationships should not be evaluated as some kind of "debit and credit" accounting, but if you're always the giver, the relationship has become destructive to you and to the other person who has come to depend totally on you. Either they are using you or depending too much on you. I am sure you may have 1 or 2 true friends who at the exception to this rule, but not more. Sometimes, you cannot help some people you care about at all, because they get very self-destructive when people help them.
Regarding your husband and son, teach them to do some more things independently. I have the same problem, though it's only my one stepson now "left in the nest". Make up some food ahead of time and inform your husband gently that you're going to work, or shop, or go see a movie, or get a massage. You'll be back but they're on their own for lunch (or dinner). Food is in the refrigerator. If you have to, go buy some food for them to heat up in the microwave. Go to see your relatives for a few days without them or an old highschool friend. Believe me, they can survive. And they will be so much more appreciative of you when they return.
Realize that you can't be perfect or solve all problems. What you're already doing is more than good enough.
Take up a new hobby, and be reluctant to share so much of yourself with new people you meet. Let them dominate the conversation, talk about their stuff and enjoy a casual relationship with you. But hide yourself a bit.
You are working yourself into anxiety, fast heart rate and high blood pressure now, Take time at the end of they day to read a book, sew, sip herbal tea (camomile to calm down) watch movies on TV, or whatever you enjoy doing by yourself. Get more exercise, take B vitamins, some potassium and calcium tablets. Listen to music that makes you feel good. Get yourself an MP3 player and put your favorite music on it. You can exercise with that. Don't let anyone discuss something that upsets you like politics early in the morning or before you go to bed. Get more sleep. And try to get your sense of humor back, especially if your husband is grumpy. If you are stuck in a room with one of them ranting on, excues yourself and get busy doing something else in the kitchen. I feel like I know you.

Answer 8

Sounds as though you need to take care of you first. Then you will learn to tell everybody else to take care of their own problems. Been there and done that. You want to fix everybodys life but your own. You can answer your own question by reading your question again.
I'm not trying to be smart, but when do you worry about yourself. No time for you. Learn to say no to other peoples problems and fix your problems. Your running from you own problems to keep from fixing them.

Answer 9

Hang in there. I have been in the same boat. Be confident that other people can take care of themselves. Can you take care of yourself? Of course, and other people have the same life skills that you have. If your husband is upset, it's great that you can be there for him, but tkaing on his problems as your own will only make the situation worse. be there to listen to him vent his frustrations, be a shouldre to lean on. But you are not supposed to be his problem solver. Just someone to confide in. Good luck.

Answer 10

There's nothing wrong with helping others, but you must take time out for some"You Time". You must also take some time to make yourself happy before you snap dear...Try taking a vacation or a weekend get-a-way.