How can I help my daughter?

Question

MY MOM RECENTLY MOVED IN WITH ME AND MY FAMILY. LATELY SHE CANT DEAL WITH MY 12 YEAR OLD DAUGHTER AND SAYING THINGS THAT SHE IS BAD, DOESNT LISTEN AND HAS AN ATTITUDE PROBLEM. SHE ALWAYS SAYS THINGS TO MY DAUGHTER LIKE SHE CANT TAKE ALL THIS NO MORE, THAT SHE'S GOING TO FIND ANOTHER PLACE TO LIVE AND SUCH. FIRST LET ME SAY THAT MY DAUGHTER ISNT BAD. SHE'S A VERY ACTIVE 12 YEAR OLD WITH AN OUTGOING PERSONALLITY. SHE DOES SOMETIMES ACT LIKE THE MOVIE STAR RAVEN AND GETS A LITTLE OVERWHELMED JUST LIKE ANY OTHER 12 YEAR OLD. MY OLDER SISTER CAME FOR A VISIT FROM OUT OF TOWN. SHE HAS A 8 YEAR OLD AND A 6 YEAR OLD. HER 6 YR OLD MADE A COMMENT TO MY DAUGHTER ABOUT THE FEW THINGS SHE DOESNT LIKE ABOUT HER, 1 THAT SHE HOLDS HER ALOT, 2 SHE HAS AN ATTITUDE PROBLEM AND 3 MY MOM DOESNT WANT ME TO ACT LIKE YOU. ISNT THIS HARSH HAVING ALL THE FAMILY MEMBERS MAKING COMMENTS DIRECTLY TO MY DAUGHTER AND HURTING HER FEELINGS LIKE THEY DONT WANT TO BE AROUND HER? I CONFRONTED MY SISTER AND ASKED HER IF SHE SAID THAT AND SHE ADMITTED SHE DID BUT DIDNT EXPECT HER 6 YR OLD TO REPEAT IT TO MY DAUGHTER. SHE SAID THE REASON SHE SAID IT WAS BECAUSE THE LAST TIME THEY WERE DOWN SHE DIDNT LIKE HOW MY DAUGHTER WAS TALKING TO I AND HER FATHER AND WHEN SHE LEFT SHE TOLD HER KIDS SHE DIDNT WANT THEM TO ACT LIKE MY DAUGHTER DID. WHICH I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE WAY MY DAUGHTER TALKED TO US. WAS THIS NECESSARY? SHE DIDNT HAVE TO USE MY DAUGHTERS NAME SETTING AN EXAMPLE FOR THEM. THEY VERY SELDOM SEE THEIR COUSINS AND DONT SPEND ENOUGH TIME WHERE ONE COULD PICK UP ANY INFLUENZES OR ANYTHING BUT THIS IS ALL HURTING MY DAUGHTERS COMPLEX AND SHE ASKING WHY ALL THE FAMILY EVEN COMES AROUND IF THEY DONT LIKE HOW SHE IS ACTING. WHAT IS THE BEST SOLUTIONS TO TELL MY MOM AND SISTER AND DAUGHTER IF THIS HAPPENS AGAIN? HOW CAN I DIRECT THIS IN A MANNER THAT IS APPROPRIATE WAY TO HANDLE THIS BECAUSE THIS REALLY UPSET MY DAUGHTER AND MYSELF HAVING THIS COMING FROM CLOSE FAMILY. LET ME SAY THAT MY SISTERS KIDS HAVE VERY PERFECT BEHAVIOR IN THEIR EYES BUT DONT SEE WHAT OTHER PEOPLE SEE. THEY ARE RAISING THEIR KIDS TO THE BOOK. BUT I DONT THINK MY SISTER SHOULD HAVE USED MY DAUGHTER AS AN EXAMPLE TO HOW SHE DIDNT WANT HER KIDS TO ACT. WHAT SHOULD I HAVE SAID????

Answer 1

Wow...that's alot to read....however, I would tell your "family" that they are no longer invited over to your house (and I'd tell your Mom that she needs to start looking for another place).

My reason is that if I think my daughter is okay or her behavior is okay, then I would certainly defend her against anyone that tried to tell her how to "act or behave".

Kid's today need to express themselves....they'll have a hard enough time later on in life, so learning how to express yourself is a great tool for later on.

I have an 8 year old who can be the most talkative kid on the planet, and yes, it annoys me sometimes, but at least she is not afraid to voice her opinions.

Answer 2

Well first of all you are correct in many ways. For one I understand your family means well, but for your sister to pin point your daughter out and tell her kids that she is a bad example, she has crossed the line. Also, I don't think your mother is being mean, my grandmother was the same way about me, I was an uppity, popular, loud kid and my grandmother let my mother know quick, but now that I am older I still have a great relationship with all my grandparents. Basically, what I am saying is maybe you should take their advice into consideration, no one knows you better then family, and if 3, 4 or more family memebers are saying your daughter has an attitude problem, you may want to look into because she actually might. My advice is to calm your daughter down, let her know it is not okay to want to be the center of attentention when family is around and ask her to be a little nicer to her family memebers especially the younger cousins, because cousins should be just as close as siblings. It's okay for her to have high self esteem, but to a certain limit. She is going to be a teenager soon and if she acts in that manner, not only is she too old for it it needs to decrease. It will be a little tougher if she is an only child.Take it from me, I am giving you this advice because I am one of three siblings, I'm the youngest, and as a child I was just like your daughter, and all my cousons and aunts even some of my uncles said I had an attitude problem, I always wanted things my way and I guess you could say I was just a regular brat, but I definitally grew out of it once I got into middle school because again like I said, if it had continued it would not have been a pretty road socially, because if you act stuck up, people will see you as stuck up, and they do not want to deal with you, let alone be around you. And had I made frineds that acted as I did that would not have made it any better because that is the wrong crowd to be involved in. Just let your daughter know she is your daughter, you are the parent, she is the child, and let her know it is NOT okay for her to talk to you, your husband or any other family member young or old in any disrespectful manner. Some parents just think its cute or its not a big deal when family members and or friends say their 12, 13 or 14 year old is being rude and has an attitude, because they think their child is all well behaved and just an angel when in reality they are not. Also do not let anyone tell you how to raise your child because you brang her into this world and it is your job to raise her and no one else's.

Answer 3

Not being around you, I can't give you the best advice because I can't see what is going on in your home. Based on what you are telling us I would have to say the following:
Listen to what everyone is saying and then stand back from the situation. Do you feel like this is a personal attack on your parenting? Are they right about certain things? If your daughter is talking back to you and your husband then certainly your sister needs to tell her kids that this is not proper behavior.
Look at this with different eyes. If your mom and sister are just being overly critical then chalk it up as garbage and put it where it belongs. If though, they are right in some areas admit it and work on changing it.
Now about your mom. She is a guest in your home. She deserves respect from your daughter because she is an adult but guest don't come in and change the rules of the place they are living. Let your mom know that you love her and are willing to consider the things that she says to you. If it is a legit complaint then you will deal with it . But you ask that she treats your daughter as her granddaughter and not as her daughter. If she is not comfortable with living with the situation, not to put a guilt trip on your daughter but address the issues with you. And if she isn't comfortable living with you maybe she should call your sister and see about living with her or finding a place of her own.

Answer 4

Give yer mom the boot. Tell "Mom" that she was allowed to raise you in the ways that she thought were best, even though they were dead wrong (cite any examples you can remember). Your daughter is your responsibility, not hers.

As far as your sister and you nieces, the same applies to her as to you, so she has to bear the burden of how to raise her children. You can bet, however, that she has some opinions about things your daughter has said to her children. Perhaps all of you (your sister, you, and all the kids) and hash out any of the comments you each have heard in a constructive dialog.

Additionally, while I support your right to raise your daughter as you see best, it might not hurt to take an objective look at her behavior. Watch her behavior around other children, and see if she is acting in a manner you find appropriate. Take out of the equation what "other 12 year-olds do," and look at what you want your child to do.

Answer 5

This is kind of difficult simply cause this is your child and no matter what anyone will say whither said nicely or not you will get offended because no one likes it when they talk about their family. However did it ever accord to you that if so many people are confronting you or your daughter about her attitude and way of speaking that there is truly a problem in which you are choosing not to see. I have a 12 yr old niece that's at some points when she gets carried away its more like she is 18 but it gets nipped in the butt right away.We love are children and because of that we allow are children to get what they want when they want it by any means necessary maybe your child doesn't speak to you with respect and honestly without knowing you or your daughter I wouldn't put it passed any of today's generation. Your daughter doesn't need a friend ! So if you feel like the way she speaks to you is the way she speaks to her friends that is a problem in life our children will have friends coming and going into there lives but there will always be just one mother and one father know if you are trying to be her friend then who trying to be her mother.

Answer 6

You have a real problem in your hand and you only can solve it. Eventhough you look to be protecting your daughter, is it a litle more than necessary?
If it goes out of hand, you only have one alternative-either to tell your mother and find a suitable place for her or send your daughter to a hostel for her education!!!!
Its unfortunate that your sister sites your daughter as the "bad girl". She also should have understood that every child has her own ways of understanding the world and grow, which may differ from the ideal situations!!!
Think as an adult- has your daughter got something that is depicted as totally bad, which needs correction or is it that your mom is over-reacting? Dont bother about your sister & her daughters!!!You did nt say anything about your hubby. If he is mature, he can solve the problem with just one sentence-shut up!!r

Answer 7

i can relate to what you are saying. my brother use to tell everyone how to raise there family and he thinks he has a prefect family. Its quit annoying and it hurts your feelings. Especially when he is telling me i'm never gonna graduate and ****. it believe me when someone talks down to you like that it effects you a lot especially being young. That's how you will start looking at yourself, your wrong doing this your wrong doing that and your just one big mess up.
I'd jsut tell your sister that she needs to find someone else for her examples and if she can't handle that then tell her see don't have to come around your family cause she is hurting your daughter a lot. But she needs to stop telling her kids bad things about your daughter, kids repeat a lot of what their parents say.
And as for your mom...i know she is your mom but you need to tell her if she has a problem with the way your daughter is acting she needs to come to you not her. It is not her place to say anything to her. And if it keeps up it will only get worse so i'd then suggest telling her to find another place.

Good luck!

Answer 8

I'm trying to answer this because it seems like a cry for help, but I can't sort out all the different parts of your question.

It sounds to me... best I can guess... is your daughter is just a normal 12 year old and your mother is a normal... er... uh... elder person (I'm 67, so I know something about being old).

My heart goes out to you but, if Mom wants to get somewhere else to live, it may be for the best because it sounds to me like things are beyond 'fixing'.

I'm going to print out your question so I can read it if I ever feel the need to move in with my daughter and her family. 8-)

I wish you luck... you're between a rock and a hard spot.

Answer 9

I would never let my mom or sister cut down my daughter.....stand behind her and make it perfectly clear to them to treat your daughter with respect every single day. Do this with a gentle talk with all parties....and there will be a change for the better. Throw the past away and good luck....a little special hug from me to your daughter....

Answer 10

good proper now my women are each beneath eight, so it could be difficult to assume what I could do after they get to the age in which that would be feasible. I could believe that no longer simplest could I be harm that I needed to discover out that manner, I could believe like a failure as a mother for plenty of causes- A. she must be capable to come back to me with some thing, principally with that. If she looks like she cant then I have failed. B. I must have expert her higher of the penalties of unprotected intercourse (and even blanketed). C. I could believe so unhappy that her existence (if nonetheless a teen) could greatly and irrevocably difference. Now, if she used to be an grownup I could nonetheless be harm however incredibly completely satisfied...and despite the fact that she used to be a young person happiness could finally come after the surprise in view that that could nonetheless be my grandbaby wow I positioned manner an excessive amount of idea into this, hypothetically I could simply get her looked at