I will soon become a step-mom. How do I prevent from becoming a step-monster?

Question

I will soon have a 11 yr old step daughter. How do I form a good foundation for a relationship with her? How can I help not having any frustration or resentment towards the daughter or ex-wife? I want all of us to be able to get along for my step-daughter but I am afraid that I will have to take immediate cover once the news is broken.

Answer 1

Listening
Objectivity
Patience
All of these will build trust between you and your step-daughter. You can't really be a parent, but you are more than a friend because you have some authority. Maybe more like an aunt.

Resentment is going to be natural - try not to engage in the power struggle because if you do things have the potential to explode. It's natural for you to want the same power as the 1st wife (esp if this is your 1st marriage), but you are 2nd wife and you will never get that power no matter how you try to fight for it or feel entitled to it. Your strength and power come from the fact that the man loves you, wants to be with you (watch for any hidden damage that may surface from 1st wife), and chooses you.

If you can remain above the fray, you just may become a pillar of rationality and objectivity when Dad, ex-wife and daughter are going nuts especially since ya'll are getting into the teenage years.

I wish you the best of luck.

Answer 2

I am a step mother of a 4 year old little girl. The mother is impossible and has passed this little girl on from person to person since the day she was born!!So there are many problems as far as Julie's behavior goes, she doesn't know what discipline is.
Just try to get to know her, don't buy her friendship or love, show her how to be a young lady and teach her the things your parents taught you when you were her age. Remember to be a parent first and not a friend... you'll only get walked all over by being her friend! Never take sides in an argument between her and her father, it will only cause you trouble!

Instill values that you would want your own daughter to have.

Best of luck to you

Answer 3

<> Get over yourself. Face the fact that your husband had a life before you came along and that this child will and SHOULD come before you. NEVER show this child that you do not like or respect her mother whether you do or not. Go out of your way to try and make this child's transition into the "new" family as easy as possible rather than asking how it can be made easier for you.

Answer 4

I have a step mother, who acts like a step monster. Just let your soon to be step daughter know that you have no intention on taking her mother's place. Another thing is not to compare her to your children (if you have any). Include her as much as possible during the wedding planning.

You may also want to sit down and talk with your fiancee and his ex, and let them know the concerns you have. Tell the ex that any punishment the child gets from her will be enforced at your house also (grounding, for example). The last thing you want to do is undermine her authority.

Kudos to you for wanting to have a healthy relationship with your step daughter.

Answer 5

I am a man so my advise should be taken accordingly.

I firmly believe that any relationship must be based on honesty, sincerity and both heart and head must be involved equally.

You must naturally love your step-daughter - the word step must disappear from your feelings. And this should be done slowly and not forcibly and should be in your body language towards your daughter. I firmly believe saying "I love you" is artificial. If you truly love, the other person will sense it without being said aloud.

You have to be responsible as a mother - firm, kind, loving, friendly. Do not substitute it by trying to be her friend only and please her always. If she has done something wrong, you have to tell her so as soon as possible, firmly and consistently. As I said, be honest, sincere and consistent in your behaviour.

Do not complain to her father about anything about her. You, as a mother, have to deal with it direct - that is between you and your daughter. Try to discuss mother-daughter like, any sex related issues.

As you and her father are happy to be together, this feeling will rub on her as well - how long she can deny, if at all, the fact that her father is truly happy to be married to you?

If you can cook well, it will be very effective on your daughter to loosen up. Do not fear to approach her or sometimes even intrude - just as a true mom would do.

In short, you stop treating yourself as a step-mother, your step-daughter will, sooner or later, treat you like a true mother.

Answer 6

*Realize that you can't take the mother's place
*Respect your step-daughter - this is an awkward and difficult position for her to
*Ask your husband to meet with your step-daughter alone. Use the time to establish introductions. This way she will get to know what kind of person you are. Don't try too hard to "get along"...just show that you are a nice person she can get along with. Also use this time to establish your name... as in, would your step daughter feel comfortable calling you ____."
*Ask her what kinds of things she likes to eat and do and mention that you'll be sure to buy the things/take her out (when you can and if she wants.)
*If your step-daughter will have a room in your house, ask her if she would like to decorate it... and if she says yes, use the opportunity to take her out and learn about her style.
*Don't shower her with gifts - this will seem as if you're trying to buy her love
*Encourage your husband to go on father-daughter dates with your step-daughter. Every now and then, encourage him in front of her so she can see that you respect their relationship.

I've been a step-daughter myself... I think these things would have made the transition smoother.

Answer 7

I think it's important to understand what your stepdaughter is going to be going through, and keep it in mind. First of all, she's an adolescent, with all the baggage that entails. Secondly, she is likely to be very confused about the situation. She may really like you, but feel guilty about liking you, as if it's betraying her mother. Or, she may NOT like you, and feel badly about that, because she wants to please her father. She might be angry at her father for remarrying, and she might be feeling protective of her mother. She's got a lot going on!

I think it's important for you to remain civil (friendly, if you can manage it) with her mother, for the stepdaughter's sake. You are the grown up, and need to remember that your stepdaughter will be watching you closely. Often children become pawns in the relationship between exes, and that's so wrong. Remember to keep her interests at heart, even if it stings a little :)

It might be a good idea to visit with someone, a counselor or pastor, before you jump into stepmotherhood, someone who can help you brainstorm possible situations and how you can best handle them.

It's not easy, I'm sure. My stepmother is a super nice person and my siblings and I gave her a hard time for the first 3 years she and my dad remarried. In retrospect, it would have been much easier transition-wise if BOTH my parents had at some point said, "it's ok for you to like your stepparent; it doesn't mean you don't love me, and I know that." Maybe your husband can talk with her and let her know he understands that she will want to be loyal to her mother, but it's fine to love you also.

My dad and his second wife just celebrated their 22nd anniversary, and I am so thankful that he married her. Today she is one of my best friends.

Answer 8

Do not try to be her mom. Leave ALL discipline to your husband. Do not do any interacting with the ex, leave that to the hubby also. Find something you can do with your step daughter on a regular basis like manicures and lunch once a month or week.. This will help create a bond with her. Good Luck.

Answer 9

Don't be offended or act hurt around he if she doesn't want a relationship. 11 is a really hard age between any kid and parent.

It helped me to do things with the step daughter that the mom wouldn't normally do...like pedicures, makeovers, and planning a day of cooking together. Also, don't expect to be her mom. She already has one.

Avoid the buying her stuff trap - makes her spoiled and holds you emotionally hostage if she doesn't get what she wants.

Don't expect things to be well between you and the ex wife. If they are, then count your blessings.

Answer 10

Start off very easy. An 11 year old already has a Mother and of
course her Father and STRONG opinions.

So ease into this position gently. Her Parents should be the
discipliarians. Be friends with her Mother, your life will be much
easier for it. Be flexible. You will never be her mother so the most you can
hope for is to become a friend. GOOD LUCK.