Should I listen??? Help??

Question

My parents have given my husband and I land (across the street from their house) and now my husband and I are building a house (in the process of) and already, the first day of operation, My father is "crabby" about a rafter decision that my husband and I made. He thinks we should do things the cheapest ways, and we don't always think that is the best building ethics. My questions to you...how much do I have to listen to my parents, even thought they gave us the land??? Some, none, slightly, completely?? I really want this land, it has been a dream of my hubby's and mine for quite some time but; we still want to keep the peace...any suggestions??? thanks!!

Answer 1

its your land even if they purchased it for you....its selfelsh for your parents to tell you how you should build on the land that they got for you....you should tell them mom dad thanks for the land but please let me and my husband take care of what we need to do....tell them thank you for all your input but we are going to handle this one on our own as a family....remember your married now not a little girl..

Answer 2

O.K for one you're absolutely correct...DO NOT do things the cheapest way when building a house. If you have doubts about what your contractor is saying and you think they are trying to rip you off (which is quite possible) call around to other contracting companies and get their opinion on the situation.

As for listening to your parents....they gave you the land, but they aren't paying or building your house. I think it's a separate issue and they have no jurisdiction in the matter concerning the house. Now, if you decide to hire landscaper's then I think they would have somewhat of a say in the matter only because you would be manipulating the land. They gave you the land so you could build a house so that's not part of the manipulating process...because the land was given for that specific purpose which your are utilizing and conforming to that "specific purpose" You have not exceeded your limits on the "purpose built land".

Anything else you have done to the land would be subject to debate with the parental unit...because you would be going outside the "guidelines" of the "land contract" and the purpose of the gift.

Answer 3

You are adults, you are married and you are building your house on a piece of land that was given to you. Theoretically you don't have to listen to parents at all. You can even say this to parents once and for all. In fair time they will forgive and forget. It is nice though to say it in a polite way. So please do - the sooner the better. They must accept the fact that the minute they signed over the land, it was yours to decide upon. You dont owe anything to them.

You do not want to have parents caring about all the decisions you make - having children, raising children and so on. This will happen if you let them talk and talk and intervene all the time.

Worst case scenario is that you sell the house and move when finished cause living too close to parents can be a challenge.

Good luck.

Answer 4

While you should listen to what your father has to say and try to take advantage of any wisdom he may be able to give you (he has already made a lot of mistakes in his likfe and listening to him might help you avoid the same), the fact is that the land was a present. A true present does not come with strings attached.

You and your husband will be the ones to be living in this house. Make it yours. Your dad has his house. Let him live in that one. Make decisions on what to do with the house based on your opinions, wants and desires. After all, you are the ones that have to wake up to the house each day, not daddy.

After listening to what you dad says, decide what you are going to do and do it. If your "crabby" dad starts to put his 25 cents worth (trying to account for inflation) change the subject, give him something to eat (that'll put something into his mouth so that he can't talk) and move on.

Enjoy your house. Make it yours.....

Answer 5

Explain to your father that you appreciate his advice, but since you are the ones who are building, and you are the ones who will be living there, you will be making the final decisions. I know it's not easy - I was in a similar situation. The point is, they gave YOU the land, so it is NOT theirs. It's very important that you create this independence, or they will try to control you the rest of your life. Stay firm. If they insist that you take their advise, suggest that maybe it was a bad idea for you to accept their help, and give the land BACK. You may have to put off your dream for a little bit, but it will show your parents that you mean business. Good luck!

Answer 6

Typically, you have building plans for a house before you start, and sometimes, all building materials & costs are planned as well. If you are financing this build, all this information should have been submitted to your bank, and most banks will not let you change the plans after approval. If you are paying for this strictly out of pocket, you still have to have building permits, and most cities will not approve changes without some serious additional paperwork. Colors & small stuff yes, but not structural changes.

In this situation, let him know that the plans have been approved (if they have), and you cannot make changes (if you can't). If he still questions your choices, reinforce the structural after effects of using cheap building materials.

You're obviously on the internet, I'm sure you can find pictures of homes and reports/lawsuits from homes having problems due to using bad building materials.

Answer 7

Well, maybe you should offer your parents something for the land- pay for it. Then you can do what you want with it....Just remember- you are moving in across the street from your parents. Today it is your work on your house- tomorrow it is the way you dress, how late you stay out and how you raise your children. Better set some boundaries now.

Answer 8

I think maybee as long as you include them in the decision making process thats as fair as you can get, I see nothing wrong with hearing their opinions on the matter. But if they become upset because you choose to do it your own way then they are only trying to controll you. The question then becomes how far are you willing to go to "keep the peace". And do you want the land badly enough to not be in control of you and your husbands dreams.

Answer 9

If wisdom were a function of aging, we would tolerate young fools better than we do in hope that they would improve with time. No matter how much older people demand our respect, their disrepect and foolishness cannot be ignored.

Practically speaking, the best thing you can do is thank your father for his advice, then go ahead and do what you and your husband want to do. It is YOUR HOME, after all. You will have to live in it and put up with the consequences of shoddy materials and poor workmanship. Do what you and your husband think best to have the home in which you will most enjoy living.

Answer 10

Pay some mind to what he says...(Respect your elders), but just tell him what you wrote...that you two don't feel the cheapest way is always the best way when constructing a building...say that you like his opinion on things, but that the two of you are adults and need to make some decisions on your own. And that you are very grateful for the land, but you have a vision of what you would like to do with it.

Answer 11

First off, giving you the land is GREAT...but it does not mean a lifelong committment to listening to EVERYTHING your parents suggest. Doing things cheap, such as construction, is only going to cost YOU and your husband in the long run when things go awry. I think making a generous gift that thanks them for the land is a good way to go, but unless the parents are paying for the house, there are tactful ways to say "butt out". A gift from parents does not mean a debt forever...