what do I do about a 19 yr. old that has lived in my house since he was 12 didn't come home or call for 48 hr

Question

This is not the first time he has not came home. We have talked to him and explained how worried we become and he should at least call. I even bought him a cell phone. There are many other things going on as well, he dropped out of school, he can't or won't hold a job. He doesn't do the things around the house that he's asked to do or if he does them he "half way" does them. I guess I'm just wondering if it would be fair to ask him to leave.

There are no drugs involved, I'm sure of that. He has been drug tested. He dosen't drink. He does have a job at the moment but he has lost some really good jobs and if history repeats itself, he won't keep it long.

Answer 1

It's more than fair for you to ask him to leave. Before you ask him to leave, sit him down, ask him what the problem is. Why can't he hold a job, is he doing drugs, does he even want to live with you anymore? If he can't come up with satisfactory answers, then tell him, look, we both love you very much, but there are rules to living in this house. We want you to stay here, but we can't have you doing as you please. So, you are going to get a job, contribute to the house and live by the rules we set, or you can pack your clothes and get out.

You can only do this if you are planning on not letting him move back in with you later on. Part of being a parent is teaching your children responsibility. Is there a guarantee that he will learn that when he is out on his own? No. But, I promise you that if you continue to let him stay there and he continues this behavior, he will NEVER learn it. Be prepared for defiance on his part and if he is out on his own and he can't make it, be prepared that he is going to blame you. DO NOT take the blame for his failures. He is 19 and knows exactly what he has to do, he just knows that he doesn't have to because the two of you will take care of him.

Don't let your love for him hold him back from growing and becoming a man.

Good Luck!!!

Answer 2

Been there, done that.

One. Have rules that you do not deviate from. Make them now. Make "this is a drug free household" at the top of the list. Others are "being part of this family, which includes respect", and things to do to contribute.

Two. Install deadbolts that are either keyed differently, or do not unlock from the outside.

Three. Assign a curfew for your 'tenent'. When you go to bed, lock the locks. He's out for the night then.

Explain the rules. Warn him in two weeks he'll be drug tested, and that it is part of his being able to stay. Explain, that you are only willing to assist him (ASSIST him) if he is willing to follow the rules. If not, you cannot assist him with the $$ end of things, cell phone, car insurance, computher, internet etc. At 19, the rules say, you are full-time employed, or full time in school. He is 19 -you do not OWE him anything but your love. And coming down hard on him is love. If he doesn't get himself together NOW, chances are he won't in the near future. I've seen it FIRSTHAND. You need to give him the tools to do right, and not just $$.

His lethargy and 'screw it attitude' is likely the result of to much pot - it sucks the life right out of their brains. Again, I've seen it first hand.

I fought this battle first hand through his highschool years where he went from an all A+ student to barely graduating. A college that would accept him, turned out to be a 2 year party. He dropped out and thought hey, I'll just go home and goof off. Eventually he came around, got a job, enjoyed the money, found another better job, moved out and does well on his own at 21. Hopefully, he'll finish college, but then again, it's not for everyone today, I just hope he does not wake up at 30 and think, geez, I wish I hadn't ....

You need to jump on it. Especially the drug thing. You are not helping him mature if you let him go on making bad decisions. Yeah he will make life hell for a while. If you need, call the police. Change all the locks. Take the car. Turn off the phone. Put his stuff on the curb. He will come around. Some kids are just slow maturing - and making decisions is part of it. Both parents will need to stand together on it. If you don't do something, it will start to mess up your marriage.

BTW, we have a great relationship now.

Answer 3

Gee, sounds like most kids these days. What else is new? Throwing someone out or threatening them could be dangerous for you if they go off. Better to be safe than sorry. I would suggest some way of therapy first. Drug testing might be a good idea but that should come out in therapy. Also, many on the streets become criminals to survive or prostitutes. If they feel you are responsible for their demise it can come back to haunt you and be even more vicious in their retribution against you. It's not about being a christian it's about being reasonable and realistic.

Answer 4

He has found some place to nest, and this may be a bigger problem than just being a slob. Dad needs to have a long talk about the consequences of an adult relationship when he can't do the simplest of things like keeping his personal space clean. How will he support a family and care and nurture young when he doesn't respect his own parents. Mom, you may be being replaced with another female figure one who will give him intimacy you cant. Then of course there is the gay thing and folks we are all on our own when someone we love declares themselves to be gay. Hope this helped.

Answer 5

Well being 19, he is legal to do what he wishes. However if no one that he knows of has not heard from him for the 48 hrs, then I would play it safe and file him as a missing person.

If his friends have heard from him or has seen him, then its disrespectful not to inform you that he will be gone, but he doesnt have to tell you what he is doing.

As with the chores and helping out there, make him pay rent or live on his own. He has to learn responsibility and if you support him, he will think that he doesnt have to do it because you will always be there to do it for him.

Answer 6

Well his is an adult.. but he lives in your home so therefore it is your rules and if he can't follow them then he has to go!!!
Sounds to me like he has it made there.. you are enabling him.. why get a job when he gets everything he needs from you..
Your only solution is probably asking him to leave then that would force him to grow up!!! Don't feel guilty if you do ask him to leave you gave him a place to live and supported him when it counted now it is time for him to be responsible!! Good Luck!!!

Answer 7

Stop paying for the phone.... he's not using it for the reason you bought it in the first place.

Set down the rules of the house, if you haven't. Make them clear and precise..... then he either agrees to them or leaves. Tough love baby!

However, if we're talking about a stepkid and his father isn't on board with this then you are "out of luck"!

Answer 8

Yes it's fair to ask him to leave. He's an adult and needs to show you, your home and your house rules some respect. It's not fair to you or anyone in your home to have no idea where he is...it's not asking too much to 'check in'. You're not telling him he needs your permission - just a little respect. Hang in there...I have a 19 year old too...it can work.

Answer 9

I would strongly suggest you tell him that he has to find a new place to live. Give him a week or so, and stick to it. He may be involved with drugs or booze, or may just be lazy. Either way, you are not helping him by letting him stay and continue on the direction he is heading.

Answer 10

He should be grateful you let him stay in your house. He will take advantage of this but only if you let him. Lay down the rules and either he obeys them or he has to go. He'll learn that door swings both ways.