I was inspired to write this after reading about another person who’s 39 and never had a girlfriend. So here’s my situation; I’m a white male on the verge of my 39th birthday, and I’ve never had a girlfriend. I can assume that the problem is with me, there are several factors that may account for being of the psychological make up for this dilemma:
1. I grew up with a physically abusive father and a some what less physically abusive, but also psychologically and verbally abusive mother.
2.I had two older brothers, both of whom never wanted to spend any time with me, and three older sisters. My oldest sister had a nasty bitter divorce and stayed with my parents along with me and my 3rd oldest sister, my oldest was very angry and verbally abusive toward me. My second oldest sister was much like my two older brothers, not wishing to spend any time with me. My third oldest sister was much like myself, shy, introverted.
3.Growing up wasn’t easy. I grew up overweight (still am to this day), shy, nervous. I had worked for my parents from the time I was 11 and was not permitted to do much else beyond that and school; thing like camping or vacations and family outings were alien concepts to me . My oldest sister kept moving in and out of the house well into my twenties, developing drug problems along the way, and having several unpleasant episodes in my family‘s house that way. My 3rd oldest sister never bloomed, became grossly overweight and developed several illnesses including paranoid schizophrenia ; she eventually died from a rare circulatory illness at the age of 33.
4. I managed to start making friends after high school, even managed to find creative pursuits, but being so inexperienced in dealing with people I found myself bungling friendships with people, expecting to much from them or behaving inappropriately. In my immediate circle, I found my self to be the runt of the pack.
5. I was able to get myself to go to college, but I always felt like I was beyond my station or social class to do so. I currently have two low paying jobs that barely pay my bills while I pursue a modestly, quasi passable career in the arts. I’ve been in and out of therapy, had several nervous breakdowns, and have been on anti depressants.
I wonder how these thing factor into why I have never had a girlfriend. I’m pretty sure I’m not gay. I have had sex (rarely, and mostly paid for. I’ve asked women out (though rarely), and I’ve also been careful not to go into the maudlin details of my home life growing up. I fear it will never happen for me, that somehow, I’m too damaged to ever be able to have a relationship with a woman. Where should I start in going about fixing myself? This problem with women has become monumental for me. I fear I’m on the verge of another breakdown, and would like to know if there is a way to get myself straightened out.
2006-07-24 00:53:37 · 17 answers · asked by CDB88 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Singles & Dating
It's going to take a lot more looking into yourself to find the roots of all your problems. My take is that you don't feel like anyone has ever loved you in your life.. most people would agree that your family is supposed to love you no matter what. You probably think that no one could find good in you, and you probably don't see the good in yourself.
My suggestion is to try online dating. Be 100% open and honest, put yourself out there. Someone will relate. I'd keep on going to therapy. Try joining more groups and strive to become semi-social. There's a lot of work to be done, but there's a person inside there somewhere that someone can love.
2006-07-24 01:00:56 · answer #1 · answered by Elie 2 · 3⤊ 1⤋
The way I see it there are no such things as freaks. All what you have said about your life does factor into the way you are. My suggestion would be to break the mold, don't let a abusive family drag you down any longer. Seek out support groups to give you a helping hand along the way. Even from there you may meet a woman who may be dealing with the same issues and have more in common with you than you think. If you have no groups in your area look online for those groups online to get some support. I hope my words are a help. Email me further if you like or add my id to your messenger if you wish to talk further.
2006-07-24 01:07:03 · answer #2 · answered by pq4u72 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
My first advice to you is to get help with what happened in your childhood. You need to come to grips with it and put it in the past. The second thing is to try and lose some weight. You should make a great effort to do so because after you lose weight yourself esteem will grow. Third thing is after you have fixed yourself go and meet girls socially and don't be too anxious or talk about your past. You should get to know them and ask them a lot of questions about themselves. Finally you should never say never, because as long as you have today, you have another chance to change your life and create something better for yourself. I want to say Thanks for being so honest. I can tell that you are a wonderful person, who just had a hard life, but it is not that bad, don't get defeated by something that can be fixed. If you want to keep talking to me you can always email me. OK.
2006-07-24 01:04:26 · answer #3 · answered by ? 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋
I think the best way to make a change in your life is to change what you don't like about yourself. If you don't like your appearance then change it. If you have problems interacting with others especially those of the opposite sex then perhaps some self help books or classes. I know that sounds cheesy but what have you got to lose. I think perhaps due to your awful upbringing to which no child/children should ever be subjected to that you have some deep issues in regards to starting a family of your own or firstly a relationship..sometimes we feel that burdening others with our problems is too much to handle or even starting to open up to others can open a pandora's box of emotions that you would rather keep buried.
I wish you luck and hope that I have provided some help to you
2006-07-24 01:05:49 · answer #4 · answered by gypsywife2b 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
See your doctor and ask for some counselling. Your past is affecting your every day life and you need to get beyond that. You may have tried counselling before but if you did, the therapist wasn't the right one for you. If you can open up more, you'll find it easier to confront your fears and get over them. Don't rush into anything with anyone until you're comfortable within yourself, no matter how long it takes.
2006-07-24 01:04:08 · answer #5 · answered by pniccimiss 4 · 2⤊ 1⤋
I think you need to sort things out first BEFORE you are ready for a girlfriend. This is by no means your primary concern at this point! You shouldn't be concentrating on getting a girlfriend because in the state you are in now you are not ready for a relationship (just yet!).
Instead its time for you to work on yourself!
-First you have to deal with the problems of your past (you seem to be in therapy, thats a good thing) you need to get in a state in which the consequences caused by what happend don't dominate your life anymore. You need to get out of this vicious circle in order to get on with your life and be ready for a new start.
-You're obviously shy and introvert, you can work on that. I'm not saying you will become mr social animal, but social skills can be learned. Building self confidence is imperative in your situation! this will help you (its a free course): http://www.self-confidence.co.uk/
Work on your appearance too, this will boost your self confidence.
You say you are overweight; work on that! really! Pay attention to your eating habits and start exercising, if you go to the gym this is also a social training for you (different enviroment, new ppl). This may seem out of your class right now, but you nEEd to get used to being around people, but the more you do it the better it will go and in the end you'll even like it.
Get you some nice clothes, find new hobbies; go to a yoga class or so, or anything that interests you and you'll meet nice people (the reason I say yoga is because you're sure to find 'good natured' people there, it will do you good)
you need goals and ambition in life!
This gives you something to work on and believe me; it will do you good! Work on yourself first, afterwards you can start thinking about a girlfriend, in fact this will come naturally! good luck
This may seem a lot, but its do-able ! Work on yourself first, afterwards you won't have to worry about a girlfriend, this will follow naturally if you're in balance with yourself!
2006-07-24 01:22:02 · answer #6 · answered by III 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
NO, you are not a freak, what you are is completley unsure of yourself. That is a trait that can be seen by all, and probably one of the reasons why a woman has not wanted to go further with you. Therapy, getting yourself out there, volunteering, making day to day mindsets of goals will help. My heart goes out to you, and hoping that one day you will find the courage to find someone.
2006-07-24 01:11:48 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 3⤊ 0⤋
We can't go through life blaming other people for how we turned out a certain way. If that were the case we'd all be hookers or Drugi's cuz someone yelled at us or we had a mean mom. Granted you did have it rough growing up as I'm everyone one of us did also. Everyone's got there own battle story's for how rough they had it growing up. My first advice to you was to seek Therapy but I see you've already done that. Do you feel it helps you? Also, Start going to church or other equally "good" places. You can't find a woman if your all hung up on work and your "mental Probs" If you want love then you need to go have half way, it's not just going to come up to your door step. I believe with all my heart that there is someone for everyone. Tell me you've seen the movie 40 year old Virgin? ok ok I'm not pokin' fun but there is a prime example to come from this movie. The woman he ended up with.... He met her half way!
2006-07-24 01:05:52 · answer #8 · answered by lost_carolina 3 · 0⤊ 4⤋
ok that sounds fimillar, dude with girls just talk and be around them as often as you can.. dont ask them out. just be freinds get use to them. them maybe youll have a chance with them or just go for other girls. girls are actually easier to alk to than guys.. oh and id set my standerds low if i were you, just look for a pretty face dont worry about there body. but good luck dude. just talk to as many girls as often as you can.. one will eventually like you
2006-07-24 01:02:57 · answer #9 · answered by bill 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
i dont think your a freak you just need to get out more be more social i would love to talk but im 21 and your alot older
2006-07-24 01:01:05 · answer #10 · answered by bkay. 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋