funny jokes? make me laugh! yo mamma,little johnny any thing u want. just make me laugh!! 10 points for the?

Question

funniest!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Answer 1

Peanut Butter n Jelly!

Answer 2

Okay, here goes nothing, hopefully you laugh:

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.


The waitress asks for their orders.



The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke,"



and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"



I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order.



"That will be $9.40 please," she says and the man reaches
into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.





The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says,
"A hamburger, fries, and a coke."

The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.







This becomes routine until the two enter again later in the week

"The usual?" asks the waitress.

"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and salad," says the man.






"Same," says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says,

"That will be $32.62."

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places on the table.




The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer.




"Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?



"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp.

He then said "When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes."
My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."




That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want, for as long as you live!"



That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "But, sir, what's with the ostrich?"



The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big *** and long legs, who agrees with everything I say...............

Answer 3

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students.
The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"
Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"
Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9".
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36".
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions." The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?" Harry, after a moment: "Legs."
Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" The principal wondered, why would she ask such a question! Harry replied: "Pockets."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?" Harry: "Pants"
Ms. Brooks: What's starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?
Harry: "Coconut."
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?" The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer.
Harry: "Bubble gum"
Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"
Harry: "Shake hands."
The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"
Harry: "Firetruck"
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong."

Answer 4

Buffalo Theory of Beer


A herd of buffalo can only move as
fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the
weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates
the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.

Answer 5

2 men and a women were trying out for the FBI.
They passed the physical and mental challenges. The the officer told them they had one last test just go threw the door and shoot the person on the other side. The first man ran out of the room crying saying I love her I can't shoot her. The next man came out of the room with his wife and said I refuse to work for such people. The woman went into the room and many shots were fired the some very loud noise. She came out and said the gun didn't work so I beat him to death with the chair.

Answer 6

A young husband comes home one night, and his wife throws
her arms around his neck: "Darling, I have great news:
" I'm a month overdue. I think we're going to have a baby!
The doctor gave me a test today, but until we find out for
sure, we can't tell anybody."

The next day, a guy from the electric company rings the
door-bell, because the young couple hasn't paid their last
bill: "Are you Mrs. Smith?
You're a month overdue, you know!"
"How do YOU know?" stammers the young woman.

"Well, ma'am, ! it's in our files!" says the man from the
electric company.
"What are you saying? It's in your files?????"
"Absolutely."
"Well, let me talk to my husband about this tonight.
"
That night, she tells her husband about the visit, and he, mad
as a bull, rushes to the electric company offices the first
thing the next morning. "What's going on here? You have it on file
that my wife is a month overdue? What business is that of yours?"
the husband shouts.

"Just calm down," says the clerk, "it's nothing serious.
All you have to do is pay us.""PAY you? and if I refuse?"

"Well, in that case, sir, we'd have no option but to cut
yours off."
"And what would my wife do then?" the husband asks.

"! I don't know. I guess she'd have to use a candle."
"WWWHHAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTTT?????

Answer 7

These are from the 40's (we were sick back then too!)

Little Willie with a shout
Gouged the baby's eyeballs out.
Stamped on the to make them pop,
Mother cried "Now William, stop!"


Little Willie with a thirst for gore,
Nailed the baby to the door.
Mother cried with humor quaint,
"Now William, don't mar the paint."

Little Willie with a brand new sash,
Fell into the fire and burnt to an ash.
Now, though the room grows quite chilly,
I haven't the heart to poke poor Willy!

Answer 8

A woman rushed into the supermarket to pick up a few items. She headed for the express line where the cashier, Little Johnny, was talking on the phone with his back turned to her. "Excuse me," she said, "I'm in a hurry. Could you check me out, please?" Little Johnny turns, stares at her for a second, looks her up and down, smiles and says, "Not bad."



Little Johnny and his Dad are having a father/son talk one night, "So, have you had sex yet?"

"Not according to Bill Clinton!"



Little Johnny is watching television and hears the name Jesus Christ. Wondering who Jesus Christ is, he asks his mother. She tells him that she is busy, and to ask his father. His father is also busy so he asks his brother. His brother kicks him out of the room because he doesn't have time to answer his stupid questions, so he goes downtown and sees a bum in an alley. He asks the bum, "Who's Jesus Christ?" The bum replies, "Well, I am." Little Johnny, not believing the bum, asks for proof. So the bum takes the boy into a tavern down the street and takes him inside. They walk up to the bar and the bartender exclaims, "Jesus Christ, are you in here again!?"



A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes. The golfer says to himself, "I'd give anything to sink this next putt." Little Johnny walks up to him and says, "Would you give up a fourth of your sex life?" The golfer thinks the young boy is being silly and that an answer would be meaningless. At the same time he thinks this might be a good omen, so he says, "Okay," and sinks the putt. Two holes later he mumbles to himself, "Boy, if I could only get an eagle on this hole." Little Johnny moves to his side and says, "Would it be worth another fourth of your sex life?" The golfer shrugs and says, "Sure." He makes an eagle. On the final hole, the golfer needs yet another eagle to win. Though he says nothing, Little Johnny moves to his side and says, "Would you be willing to give up the rest of your sex life to win this match?" The golfer says, "Certainly!" He makes the eagle. As the golfer walks to the clubhouse, Little Johnny walks alongside and says, "You know, I've really not been fair with you because you don't know who I am. I'm the devil, and from now on you will have no sex life!!"

"Nice to meet you," says the golfer. "My name is Father O'Malley."

Answer 9

Fu, Bu and Chu immigrated to the USA from China. They decided to become
American citizens, and "Americanize" their names.
Bu, called himself "Buck"
Chu called himself "Chuck"
Fu decided to return to China.

Answer 10

Willy found some dynamite;
didn't understand it, quite;
Curiosity never pays--
It rained Willy seven days!