My 34yo naive son is about to be engaged to a woman who has an 8yo autistic son. What is ahead for them?

Question

WHOA! I recvd alot of rude answers to my ques. Many misunderstood. LET ME CLARIFY... 1st, my son grew up with learning disabilities that we handled best we could, with some help frm the pros. 2nd, he's always been naive (it didn't just happen now). He is a caring, sensitive man who falls in love easily, lives "in the now" with not much thought to consequence. 3rd, I know my son quite well and we are close & talk evry cpl wks. 4th, I've not met his future family yet, NOT 'cause I don't want to, but 'cause we live a few hrs away and just not been able to arrange a time when ALL are available to meet, though we've expressed the desire. 5th, I never said I disapproved. He was married once before & taken for a big ride. Tho'this one seems honest, I just hope he'll be cautious & able to handle complexities of autism. I'm just concerned, but do NOT interfere! In fact, I'm very proud of him for the progress he's made, & for the wonderful man he's become & told him so. 6th, I DID wish them well

Answer 1

Hopefully many many years of love as a family. Not everything in this world is 100% perfect. If your son is willing to accept this child into his life, you should support him. You say that your son is naive, Perhaps he may be, or perhaps he is willing to make a commitment and you are not giving him the proper credit. Sometimes people close to you can sometimes really surprise you. It is your sons relationship. The only people he has to answer to are His Girlfriend, her child, and himself. If they think they can make a go at it, I say more power to them. Not knowing you or your son, I would never pass judgment on either of you. I would just hope that you all will be able to work through this situation so that everybody can be happy. A child, is a child, weather he has a disability or not. After all you love the person, not his or her outward appearance.

I wish you all the best of luck. May God bless you all.

Answer 2

WOW, I have just read 27 of the best answers I have ever heard.
Just lead and take the advice of these wonderful people. It was a fine thing to read these answers,I can feel a little better about my fellow humans tonight! Thanks to all of you for some very good and up building advise!!!!!!


I JUST READ THE ADDENDUM TO YOU QUESTION, I still believe that you son will deal well with the problem. This is why.
I have an experience for you. I do know of a slightly challenged young man who married a woman with slight downs syndrome.
It was her second marriage, Her first two kids were normal!
Knowing Kids, HOW HARD WAS THAT????????????????
Any how the third, the one My young friend and she had together was troubled some how. I cannot quite tell how.
Any ways, the father, slightly challenged, has a good job fixing bathtubs. The Mom, slightly challenged, has the sense to Love, Protect, Listen to school and police authority. She is not a clean house keeper, But, The kids are happy, well fed, never miss school, or Dr. Appointments. Would I live in her house keeping?
HELL NO! But, She and her husband are model citizens, Good Kids, and a loving environment!
I hope this gives you some peace of mind!!!!!!!!!

Answer 3

While, you do sound a little too involved in your sons life, the fact that his upcoming fiance has a autistic son is a major factor that needs to be thoughout.
Your son needs to know exactly what he is getting in to, because he can not commit to this woman and her son, and then opt out when it starts getting harder than he thought it would. That would not be fair to this little boy. Your son also needs to know what this womans expectations are concerning him and her son, and that of his family(meaning you, his father and any siblings that your son may have where her son is concerned.) Your family needs to become more familure with the dealings of a autistic child, you could not (and this woman could not) expect to just take up as with any other normal child, you would have to think twice about offering to babysit so that they could have a night out every so often, and she could not just expect you to do so either.
Whether anyone likes it or not, being upfront about the difficulties and the unknown(for your son's family) is the best way to proceede. You should not treat this little boy as though he is a freak or oddity, because he is not, but he is also not the usual child and needs special care and consideration.
Making life as normal as possible for everyone would be the ideal situation, but not very likely.
As a side note:I hope that you are not holding this little boy and his being autistic against this woman as a reason that your son should not be with her or marry her.

Answer 4

I agree. It sounds that if he's committed enough to marry this woman, and take care of her son with her, then it seems like this is some kinda good love. Nothing wrong with autistic kids--are you crazy? And calling your son naive is a little mean and general. He's definitely very loving and considerate if he doesn't mind the autistic boy, and if he doesn't mind the fact that she has a son. Just let him be: he's thirty-four! He's a grown man! He's probably not as naive as you think he is. If you have to ask this on Yahoo! Answers then you probably have a poor idea of who he is in the first place.

Food for thought.

Chew on that and hand over the points.

Answer 5

Aren't you really wondering what is ahead for you?

Had you REALLY been concerned about your son and the welfare of his new family, your question might have been something like this...."How can I best support my son and future daughter-in-law in the raising of their 8 year old boy who has autism?"

Instead, you chose to focus on the fact that your son is naive and, in another question you asked, how you should handle your first meeting with the autistic boy.

I hate to say it, but I think a big problem in your son and daughter-in-law's life is going to be.....you. You may think your son is naive, but you're the one who raised him. I am not trying to be disrespectful or rude to you, really I'm not....I'm just trying to be honest and answer your question. If you truly want to help in your son's life, maybe you might want to consider the following things:

1. It is his life, and he can do what he wants with it.
2. Your son is a MAN, taking on the huge responsibility of a wife and a special-needs child.
3. The 8 year-old is not an "autistic son"....he is a normal boy that happens to have a disorder called autism. Treat him with the same dignity and respect you would treat any other human being.
4. The MOST important thing in your son's life, from this point forward, will be his new wife and their new family. Respect and support his new role and new family in EVERY WAY YOU POSSIBLY CAN.
5. Your son may have babies with his new wife...they will be your grandchildren....if you want to be involved in their lives, then be supportive of your son/his wife, and treat their children...all of them, INCLUDING the 8 year-old step-son equally, without showing favoritism.
6. You, and them, can choose to be a positive part of each other lives.

You may not agree with your son's marriage, but he is going to do it anyway. Your son will be married. Accept that fact and work towards having the best relationship with him and his new family that you possibly can. If you are unsure how to do that, maybe family counseling would help. Call your church or look in the yellow pages for one. Also, maybe it would be helpful for you to do some research on autism. If you're familiar with the condition, you might be more comfortable around your son's new family.

If you don't think you can be supportive of your son and his decision, maybe it is best if you took a step back from their lives for a while. Give yourself some personal time to adjust to the changes his marriage makes in your life. Maybe get some personal counseling to help you deal with your issues. Then, when you are feeling more positive and supportive, you can re-introduce yourself back into their lives.

I honestly do wish you the best of luck with this situation. I sense you are unhappy here for whatever reason, but remember....you can't change other people, you can only change yourself and your reaction to life. Enjoy your son and his new family....life is too precious and short to waste.

Answer 6

There is absolutely nothing wrong with the choice your son has made. It shouldn't be too hard to take care of an autistic kid; I know a few autistic kids. It's not like they're retarded. Also, I apologize if I offended anyone. I have never made fun of anyone with a mental disability.

Answer 7

When it comes to the marriage, the only thing that matters is that they love one another. As far as the autistic child, all it takes is a lot of love, caring and patience. If your son is not a patient man, he has a long hard road ahead of him.

Answer 8

Trials, tribulations, obstacles, love, spiritual enhancement that comes with raising a special child, and a strong, healthy relationship developed through trust and dedication to each other and the child. He's lucky to have such a caring future Grandma.

Answer 9

what does it matter that her son has autism. I have known a few autistic people....yes they do have major issues...some control it better than others...but that has no effect on whether they will have a happy marriage or not. I suggest you don't butt into their business. If your son is 34 years old then he is old enough to make decisions for himself. It will only make it harder on them if you are constantly getting into their business. I had a mother in law who was ALWAYS in my business and it ruined my marriage...don't make the same mistake.

Answer 10

maybe give him more credit ... and do some reasearch also hes 34 hes not a lil baby anymore ok? let him make his own mistakes bec u cannot be there to help when he falls . in a few yrs u might die g-d forbid and then what? uer son will learn on his own how to learn from his mistakes. stop being an arogant fool goodluck oh and jd great source!